Coming to my Rescue
This past week was a rough one. I have been thrown off my game. I have been less responsive to emails. I have barely kept up with my daily tasks. We have been eating out way too often because I can’t get it together to prepare food at home. I have been stressed, disorganized and not myself.
But there’s a reason. This week I discovered that my kids had brought home pinworms. It isn’t something people want to talk about. I think many people are ashamed about it. It is disgusting. But there’s a problem with not talking about it (especially within the local community). It is highly contagious. As a matter of a fact, it is more widespread than lice. And it is much harder to spot. The symptoms can be mistaken for so many other things. So when we don’t talk about it and educate people about it, it will be spread more easily. People won’t know they have it, so they won’t remedy it.
As usual, I am willing to say what others don’t want to say. My family had pinworms this past week. And I was not an exception. While there are several simple treatments for them, they don’t kill the eggs. And ingesting one egg can start the cycle again. So I spent the week battling pinworm eggs. I have been known to be obsessive when I am not faced with invisible worm eggs as an adversary. So you can only imagine my response to this. I was blessed with several sunny days in a row, so I drug everything that wasn’t nailed down to the back yard. (The eggs die in sunlight.) I bleached the house with Clorox. I washed every fabric item in the house multiple times. I did everything within my power.
And while all this obsessive cleaning kept me more than busy and took me away from my normal tasks, it wasn’t the biggest problem. The real problem was how much it triggered me. I found myself having a visceral reaction to this infestation. I had read on the internet about one man who considered ending his life over it. At the time I thought that sounded extreme, but in reality, I can see the triggers now. And I get it. And this is where my awareness helped stop the cycle of pain I was putting myself through. So what did these little worms trigger in me? Well … a few things. read more…
You Are More Than Your Logic
A World of Logic
We live in a logical world. There is no doubt about it. A long time ago, people stopped believing in things they could not see. Whether you believe it is a conflict between science and faith, or masculine and feminine, it is clear. Society values one over the other. There is no balance. We are taught as small children to drop our fascination with the make-believe and focus our attention on what matters. Math, science and technology have quickly become the highest-paid and most valued careers. I know this. I was one of the people who gave up my passion for a money-making career that I hated. I heard the message loud and clear. More importantly, my inner defender heard the message loud and clear.
Last week, my inner defender shared some of her secrets with a list of her seven favorite defenses. Some are incredibly stealth in nature. Many people have no idea they are falling for these defenses at all. But she forgot to mention one very important defense. A blog commenter pointed it out. She specifically asked about the logic. She said her defender is always “the logical one”. I immediately recognized it as a major defense for me too. I wondered why my inner defender left it off her list. Maybe she saw it as a fact and not a defense. Maybe she wasn’t quite ready to let go of that little secret.
But I thought logic would make a great subject for this week. This defense truly deserves a blog post all to itself. As a matter of a fact, I do believe this defense has been more powerful, more debilitating than any other I have employed. You see, it just makes so much sense. Logic just makes sense. Of course, recovery sounds like a crazy idea. Who would want to go through that much pain again? Of course, quitting a corporate job to pursue a passion with no clear income stream (at the time) sounds like a crazy idea. Who would take such a risk? Of course, leaving my abusive family who had always provided a financial safety net (on purpose) sounds like a crazy idea. What happens if you need help?
read more…
My 7 Favorite Defenses
Hello everyone. This is the Inner Defender here. I sometimes go by Beth, but defender, protector and all sorts of relatively derogatory names have been used. Some days I mind. Some days I don’t. I like to keep it as inconsistent as possible. That really gets under Elisabeth’s skin. And to be fair, we are a conglomeration of defenders, so inconsistency is inevitable.
I haven’t been a big fan of Elisabeth’s recovery journey. I admit I thought the whole thing was stupid. It was incredibly risky to take on the past emotions like that. Anything could have happened. We could have died. Not to mention, emotional pain just isn’t very much fun. Personally, I was fine with keeping those emotions under the surface. I mean really. Society doesn’t like them. Nobody wants to see anybody cry, including me. I’ve got better things to do with my time. And if those emotions were going to kill us, that wouldn’t make us any different from everyone else walking around with endless health problems. But I put up with her reckless pursuit of the truth because honestly, I couldn’t stop her.
But she stepped it up a notch when she opened her mouth about it. I mean seriously. It was like a suicide mission or something. She was trying to get us killed. How many times did I have to show her the death threat memories? How many times did I replay the violent attacks for her? But nothing worked. There she was blabbing it all over the internet. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. read more…
Go Through the Fear
Most people don’t like fear. When it rises up, the first instinct is to move away from it or whatever is causing it. And that makes sense. Our instincts were designed to do just that. We keep ourselves safe by listening to our fear and backing away from danger. But somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we get confused. We learn that fear means one thing: stay away. Our trauma response has been honed to take over the minute something appears dangerous. And while this is not exclusive to trauma survivors, we are definitely more sensitive after childhood trauma. The response is tripped more easily.
I have grown up this way. My inner defender has played her role well. She has kept everyone safe. All inner parts are still alive and accounted for. We made it through everything. But she is convinced that her tactics are the only way. Hyper vigilance is her favorite tool. She ratchets up the fear when things are slightly out of the ordinary.
And the more out of the ordinary it is, the more the anxiety and fear will increase. The emotional experience by itself would not necessarily be debilitating, but when I am not paying attention, the thoughts get involved. And all hell breaks loose. read more…
A Different Inner Conversation
For the past few days, I have been stuck. I know you know what I mean. “Stuck” is one of the most common descriptors I get from other survivors about their journey when they email me for help. I know I was stuck because I received half of a memory and then it stopped coming. I did everything to get it started. I tapped. I meditated. I watched movies to invoke emotion. I watched my thoughts, but I wasn’t seeing my normal mania. I was at a loss.
But this morning, I started to hear words. They weren’t kind, but I recognized them. They were coming from my inner defender. Sometimes she is known as the inner protector which is a great label. She can also be referred to as the inner critic which is a horrible label. That label makes us feel like we need to reject this part. And that is disastrous. My inner defender is in her late teens or early twenties. And her approach has worked … sort of. Most importantly, she kept us alive through some very tough times. And I am grateful.
So I took the time to write her words. She had a lot to say. She is clearly frustrated with my efforts to undermine her security tactics. And while you might not recognize flexibility in her words, I know how far she has come. I am proud of her for that. I will warn you her words include curse words which might be triggering for some.
The inner defender’s words are in bold. My adult self’s words are in italics.
6 Things I Have Learned in Trauma Recovery
I have been at this recovery “stuff” for a while now. Most of us have discovered that this is a lifelong journey. I am not the only person who has figured that part out. But there are some other things I have discovered as I have moved through the darkness in to the light. I share these with my clients often, but honestly, most of us need to hear them more than once. Our defense mechanisms can make retention difficult to say the least. So I thought I would share my secrets with you even though they aren’t really secrets. But if I tell you they are secrets, your inner child parts might be more willing to listen up. So here they are.
1) There is a voice behind every emotion. Many people ask me how to find their inner child(ren). It may be the most frequent question I hear. It is not surprising. I write about the inner child(ren) all the time. And while there are many options for reaching out to the inner child(ren), there is one method that never fails. You must look behind the emotions. Any emotion will do: sadness, hopelessness, rage, even joy can provide you a window to the inner child(ren). And while you may not hear the voice at first because the emotion may be too intense, eventually you will hear a message. And when that happens, it is time to let that voice speak. I recommend writing it down. And I recommend not interrupting. It is tempting to soothe that voice. It is tempting to offer solutions. But don’t. Honestly, they are sick of hearing from you. They have something to say.
2) The way you feel has nothing to do with the present moment. There is a reason why trauma survivors dissociate. For years, the present moment was a horrible place to be. And while we have a habit of repeating the past (more on that later), the present moment is probably not what it once was. But there’s a problem. There is a backlog of traumatic response in the form of emotions. They are bad and we don’t want to feel them. So we avoid the present moment like the plague. But as you step in to recovery and step in to the present moment, you will get a sense that things are very wrong. Emotions are everywhere and they don’t make any sense. They are too old to make sense. They need to be felt. You should feel them. But feel them without allowing your thoughts to explain them. Your thoughts will try to make those emotions about now. I call it the “thought trap”. Don’t fall in to the trap. read more…
The War of Responsibility
The ‘R’ Word
I went public with my recovery work about three years ago. During those three years, I have learned a thing or two about what makes survivors cringe and what doesn’t. Honestly, as a survivor, I already know what makes me cringe. And there is nothing that will divide a survivor community more quickly than the word – responsibility.
There is so much tied up in that word. We are already trying to fight our way out of a sea of blame, shame and guilt our abusers placed on us. Even if we have largely removed any self-blame from our adult cognition, it is still creating difficulties for us beneath the surface on the unconscious realm. So when we see an image on Facebook that indicates we are responsible for our lives and our happiness, we want to throw the computer, tablet or phone out the window.
I get that. I really do. I have some amazing friends building businesses in the personal growth sector. I love them dearly. But sometimes, I want to scream from the rooftops that trauma recovery doesn’t work like those traditional images say it does. We can’t just wake up one day and make a decision to be happy, rich, successful or even compassionate. We are up against a little more than our conscious thoughts. We have to dig deep. We have to find all those unhealed parts beneath the surface and heal them too. Otherwise, those decisions we would love to make ain’t gonna happen. read more…
An Inner Conversation
I often work with clients to embody their inner parts and allow them to express. This is instrumental to the healing process. When we allow those parts to express, we allow those past emotions to release. It may feel backwards or illogical, but that is how it works.
In my own recovery journey, I do this many times per week. But something occurred to me recently. I have never shared my written inner conversations with you, so this week I will.
To set up this scenario, we are currently in the middle of a snow storm. I am feeling some anxiety about it, so I decided to write a conversation with my fearful inner child. I hope this helps you to understand how this process works.
Please understand this conversation comes after years of practice at inner part embodiment. When you get started, it may be difficult to switch back and forth quickly. That is okay. Just embody one part and write from them for a while. It will be immensely healing. read more…
Searching for a Savior
Determined to Escape
When I was 8 years old, I was determined. I guess that’s not surprising. I have always been determined. But at 8 years old, I was determined to solve problems that no child should ever have to solve. I was looking for a way out of my family. I wasn’t just determined. I was desperate. And I thought I had found the way. That summer, I made a friend in an older college-aged kid. He was safe because he was gay. And at the end of the summer, he was leaving for college. I was convinced he would take me with him.
I have no idea if he ever indicated he would take me. As an adult, I understand the absurdity in that. He would have been charged with kidnapping. Instead of going to college, he would go to jail and make enemies with my evil father. But as a child, I was convinced he was my ticket out of hell. I was sure he would save me. I finally had hope.
Not surprisingly, when he left at the end of the summer, I was devastated. I was partially devastated because the only person I could trust (or so I thought) was gone. But I was more devastated that I wasn’t going to be leaving my family behind. I was stuck there. And my hope was gone. The pain was so intense, I made an unsuccessful attempt at suicide the night he left. After that failed, I made a decision to repress my memories. That was the night that I forgot the pain of my past because there was no way I could cope with it.
For many years, I thought that was it. I put that pain in a special Pandora’s box, never to be opened. After that, any new abuse was stored in the same place. I had put in all away. I was done dealing with it. read more…
The Parts I Struggle to Love
I often mention the importance of self love and unconditional acceptance of all our parts. But I will be the first admit that not all parts are easy to love and accept. Sometimes I ignore a part because it makes my stomach crawl to consider I might embody those feelings. I have to work hard to bring them in to my awareness and embrace them with the same love I give the parts of me I can accept. I have so much trouble in accepting some parts it is hard to write it down here. But I know there is a chance that others struggle with accepting the same parts. So I will do it … for my survivor friends.
1) My inner cynic. I know how important it is to embrace what is and stop using all my energy to resist life. But I have one heck of a cynical part. There are days when I can feel the negative energy rising up in me. Sometimes I just want to watch a Matt Bellasai video and cheer him on. Sometimes I need to resist it all. Sometimes I need to complain about every little aspect of my life that isn’t perfect. And if I explain that away, I am resisting my resistance.
2) My inner serial killer. I wish this was a metaphor for something else, but it isn’t. You see, there are two types of rage. There is regular rage. I don’t have a problem with that. I can scream in my car. I can throw pillows. It helps me know when a new memory is coming. As long as my rage doesn’t come out sideways at others, I can be friends with it. But the white rage is a different story. It is some nasty stuff. It is the part of me that fantasizes about the deaths of my abusers, sometimes in detail. And while I know I will never act on it, it scares me to feel those feelings. I have learned that as humans, we embody everything to some extent. And I know we all have the part that is capable of murder. And accepting that is the ultimate form of self love. read more…
