I have been at this recovery “stuff” for a while now. Most of us have discovered that this is a lifelong journey. I am not the only person who has figured that part out. But there are some other things I have discovered as I have moved through the darkness in to the light. I share these with my clients often, but honestly, most of us need to hear them more than once. Our defense mechanisms can make retention difficult to say the least. So I thought I would share my secrets with you even though they aren’t really secrets. But if I tell you they are secrets, your inner child parts might be more willing to listen up. So here they are.
1) There is a voice behind every emotion. Many people ask me how to find their inner child(ren). It may be the most frequent question I hear. It is not surprising. I write about the inner child(ren) all the time. And while there are many options for reaching out to the inner child(ren), there is one method that never fails. You must look behind the emotions. Any emotion will do: sadness, hopelessness, rage, even joy can provide you a window to the inner child(ren). And while you may not hear the voice at first because the emotion may be too intense, eventually you will hear a message. And when that happens, it is time to let that voice speak. I recommend writing it down. And I recommend not interrupting. It is tempting to soothe that voice. It is tempting to offer solutions. But don’t. Honestly, they are sick of hearing from you. They have something to say.
2) The way you feel has nothing to do with the present moment. There is a reason why trauma survivors dissociate. For years, the present moment was a horrible place to be. And while we have a habit of repeating the past (more on that later), the present moment is probably not what it once was. But there’s a problem. There is a backlog of traumatic response in the form of emotions. They are bad and we don’t want to feel them. So we avoid the present moment like the plague. But as you step in to recovery and step in to the present moment, you will get a sense that things are very wrong. Emotions are everywhere and they don’t make any sense. They are too old to make sense. They need to be felt. You should feel them. But feel them without allowing your thoughts to explain them. Your thoughts will try to make those emotions about now. I call it the “thought trap”. Don’t fall in to the trap.
3) There is no short cut or exception to unconditional self-love. If you make a decision to ignore your negative thoughts, you are not loving yourself. If you make a decision to ignore the past, you are not loving yourself. If you put on a mask that is approved by society, you are not loving yourself. You have to get raw. You have to get real. You have to accept the nasty parts of you that make your stomach turn. You have to accept the thoughts that make you cringe. You can make all the decisions you want, but there is no short cut to unconditional self love.
4) Your intuition sounds insane. There are a million memes out there about following your intuition. And they are right. But they don’t tell you how to find it. And they don’t tell you that you won’t like what it has to say. So I am going to tell you. It is the voice in your head that makes you laugh and not in a good way. It is the voice that tells you to do the thing you think is the craziest. Let’s be honest. You are used to hearing your inner chld(ren), your inner teenager and your false self. They tell you what you want to hear. You already agree with them. You are them. At the very least, you created them. You have long since turned off your connection to your higher self because the world proved it wrong in childhood. So if you are looking for your intuition, look for the most unbelievable statements. There it is.
5) Triggers and flashbacks get a bad rap. The medical community (and many in the therapeutic community) love to tell us to avoid our triggers and medicate our flashbacks. They tell you to find a way to get through life while avoiding them as best you can. But those triggers and flashbacks are reminders of where you need to go next. They have a story to tell. And they aren’t going to shut up until you listen. You can medicate them. You can hide away. But eventually, they will be back for a visit … somehow. Maybe they will come in your nightmares. Maybe they will show up as dementia in older age. (I mean really. What do you think people with dementia are acting out?) But they have a story to tell you. And they aren’t stopping until you listen.
6) Until you wake up, you will live your childhood. As survivors, we are often proud of ourselves for living and escaping our trauma. And we have every right to be. So it is particularly frustrating when we first wake up and realize we have recreated it in our adult life. We may have even recreated it several times. The inner child(ren) have something to resolve and they will stop at nothing to resolve it. Unfortunately, their approach to resolution is to relive it again and again while not changing their belief and actions. So it is not until you wake up and involve your adult/ego self in the process that you can end the cycle of crap. Sorry to break it to you. But honestly, if you are reading this, you know it already.
Such a powerful set of learnings to share, thank you. In many many attempts at therapy, nobody has helped me to understand like your writing does the importance of giving the voice behind the emotion an opportunity to speak. And surprisingly no therapist has ever pointed out that the anxiety in the present is not about the present. It’s so valuable the way you share from ahead of us on the path. Big, big thank you.
Thank you so much Betty! I am so glad my writing is connecting with you and I am thrilled to be getting to know you.
`I totally agree with Betty on this. I look forward Elisabeth so much to your writings and emails. Even though our traumas are different, it’s like you still understand me and I can relate to everything you are saying. No counselor or therapist has brought out the things you do.
God Bless you and Thank you so very much!
Thank you so much Stephanie!
Anxiety is huge in my life. I always connect it to the present.
That is the thought trap. Our thoughts love to make our old emotions about this moment. Our awareness can help stop that pattern, but it takes incredible will power to stop our anxious thoughts in their tracks. I think it helps to practice awareness when you are not anxious first. Then you can start bringing it in to those anxious moments. I have a free eBook offered on my home page which might help you there.
Elisabeth,
We teach the same concepts! I love it and am so proud of you. Keep up the beautiful work and helping to bring the light to those who are lost in the darkness.
You too Cheryl!
I am just now dealing with sexual abuse from the age of 14-17 at the age of fifty! I now know it has been part of the reason for most of my self-destructuive decisions and the failure of my 23 year marriage. It has been very difficult for me to meditate and stay in the present moment.I feel like I am failing at this type of therapy because of all the rushing thoughts and memories come into my mind and I need a distraction to avoid them, however hearing your expalination helps me to know why.
I am so glad this helps. It is true. The mind will stream thoughts as a defense mechanism against what is beneath them. Addiction to thoughts is potentially the most powerful and effective defense mechanism beating out all other forms of addiction. Through awareness, we can gain access to what is underneath, but we must start small and build on it. It won’t happen quickly when it is all we have ever known. Sending you love and light.
This is a great list! Right now #3 resonates most strongly with me. Unconditional love and acceptance is what I find as being not just helpful but 100% necessary to truly complete the other steps. Not in terms of the other steps being “done” — done is really a limited concept in this work — but in terms of moving towards resolution.
Can we talk self-love for a minute? This concept has been distorted by pop culture and suggestions such as “have a bubble bath” or “go for a walk in nature.” Self-love becomes the easiest thing in the world when you understand the stories behind these emotions but it’s also so hard to do until you can truly see how your ego is impacting your perception. And the ego is tricky because it can disguise a lack of self-acceptance in very seemingly positive ways, such as needing to be strong or a role model or needing to uphold certain principles or ethics.
My biggest learning with this has been that all of thise self-concepts that we might cling to, especially if they appear to be morally good and strong, will remain with you at the end of this. If it feels like you are in struggle because of a conflict in the path of healing and a self-concept that is close to your heart, it is a sign that there is something deep to unlock. Don’t be afraid to let go of this self-concept in the process. Letting go of it is the biggest form of self-love and will enable true growth and healing.
When you are able to let go and love yourself without it, you are truly living Self, Spirit and Inner Child unconditionally. And after that, the defences attached to the self-concept will be released and you can reclaim it in its purest state.
Yes! The biggest form of self hate is to become who society wants us to be!
I would have trouble identifying at this age what is me and what has society shaped me to become. I know I am creative and good at movement. The rest is just observed, practiced, and learned skills based upon my status in school, home, and work that I apply and use to get through a day. I feel like I have “acted” my life. I really not sure what much of it has to do with me.
I have often felt this same way. I made up my entire self to meet the needs of others and society. But as I have chipped away at the trauma, I have started to spot my real self underneath. I didn’t have to find that self. That self is being revealed to me. And honestly, it is a more grounded version of who I have always tried to be through my masks.
Thank you once again for this spot on article. All of me loves it. 🙂
Also, here’s my latest blog post on my own counseling website. I am calling it “intuitive integration” work. I hope you’re celebrating today all you’ve been through. Hugs.
http://www.thewellsessions.com/writings/the-place-that-remains-unwounded
Thank you for sharing. I have worked with this too. It can be quite powerful.
Great article!
I’ve been working with a Trauma Specialist using EMDR for two years on integrating traumas, thoughts, feelings, triggers, reactivity, etc., and am finally able to catch them, identify them, and navigate situations and relationships so much better! I think your writing captures some very important points. Thank you for sharing your life experience, your healing thoughts, and for helping other trauma survivors not feel so alone.
Thank you so much! I am so glad you have found a strategy for your own recovery. I have used EMDR too and it can be so beneficial.
These are so valuable, I’m printing them out so that I can have them when I am not on the computer. so much of your information Elizabeth is valuable…like bread on a path to the hoped for life. Thanks for these helps on the journey.
Thank you Dawn. I love that they help you!
I think I keep saying this but… you really are so great at this. I continue to feel like you are writing to me. I have been in therapy for the past 9 months and she is great but this is so much more clear to me. I had actually opted to not go the medication route because I said I wanted to feel and deal… no idea where that came from.. because it has been really tricky, but I’m working through it… but now that I’m reading this I am even more confident with my decision. Points 1, 2 and 5. Yep. Thank you again – so much!
You are so brave Victoria. Not everyone can go the “no-med” route, but it certainly can help in establishing our connection to our inner world. Keep up the incredibly work.
Excellent article Elizabeth. I can relate to this. The other day my husband and I disagreed over something. No biggy, but because I was upset he thought he’d give me space by going to bed early. I suddenly felt really hurt that he’d just left me and I started to pick a fight. He tried to reason with me and I could t see it. Suddenly, it hit me; this wasn’t about now, the frightened child in me wanted my husband to automatically know what my needs were and make me feel safe. I was my little abandoned child self, screaming out for love and validation. So I took time out to work through it and told my inner child that it was ok. I am a grown up now and we have the skills to communicate effectively and ask for love and affection when we need it. I am in control and we don’t need to feel scared because I am an adult and have the power to change what happens. I took deep breaths and went upstairs and asked my husband for love and affection which he gave me and told him what had happened. I asked him if next time he could let me know if he’s giving me space so that I don’t feel abandoned which he agreed to do. I then told my inner child “see, there’s no need to be scared now. I’m the grown up that will always take care of you. We are safe now because I’m in control”. What a difference it made!!! My emotions de-escalated quite quickly and I was able to restore the balance. Today, there has been a confidence in me. It really does work!!
Thank you Lisa! What an amazing success story. Relationships are so hard for us after trauma.
Thank you x
Very helpful to reread this Elisabeth. Quite timely for me (how often do I read that comment on this site?)Thank you.
Thank you Peter.
I’m just at the beginning of working through my multiple traumas from childhood. I do EMDR, Somatic experiencing, tapping and Qigong.
I’m afraid of my emotions through it all though so I find that I’m resisting. They feel too much for me to handle, as though I’ll break into a million pieces. Do you have any ideas for how I can avoid exhaustion, disassociation & isolating?
Honestly, exhaustion, dissociation and isolation are a part of the healing process. We won’t be able to avoid them completely. Recovery is hard on the system because we are re-wiring completely. Many times, it is our defenses that have the greatest impact on us, but we convince ourselves the danger is in the emotions. I highly recommend adding journaling into your mix of techniques. Journaling from emotion can really help you move through dissociation.
Thank you. I will try to take it up again. It’s still being that I used to do alot but got away from.