For the past few days, I have been stuck. I know you know what I mean. “Stuck” is one of the most common descriptors I get from other survivors about their journey when they email me for help. I know I was stuck because I received half of a memory and then it stopped coming. I did everything to get it started. I tapped. I meditated. I watched movies to invoke emotion. I watched my thoughts, but I wasn’t seeing my normal mania. I was at a loss.
But this morning, I started to hear words. They weren’t kind, but I recognized them. They were coming from my inner defender. Sometimes she is known as the inner protector which is a great label. She can also be referred to as the inner critic which is a horrible label. That label makes us feel like we need to reject this part. And that is disastrous. My inner defender is in her late teens or early twenties. And her approach has worked … sort of. Most importantly, she kept us alive through some very tough times. And I am grateful.
So I took the time to write her words. She had a lot to say. She is clearly frustrated with my efforts to undermine her security tactics. And while you might not recognize flexibility in her words, I know how far she has come. I am proud of her for that. I will warn you her words include curse words which might be triggering for some.
The inner defender’s words are in bold. My adult self’s words are in italics.
You are so stupid. Do you know how stupid you are? Fuck this whole plan of yours. And fuck everyone that is giving you hope. They are just helping you to create the inevitable fall … the inevitable disappointment that always comes. You can’t actually think this plan of yours will succeed. I will admit that this is the furthest you’ve reached in any of your ridiculous plans. You are so damned stubborn and willful. But that is all it is. There is no universe helping you. There is no divine plan here. You are only succeeding because you are trying to prove me wrong. That is all.
People don’t change. The world doesn’t change. It is cruel and everyone is out to get you. Why can’t you see that? You talk about how wonderful this is. You talk about how much amazing this community is. But I hate to tell you it is still made up of people. And people can’t be trusted. And the more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are going to get hurt and be mistreated. It could even lead to far worse.
Just quit now. This ridiculousness has gone on far too long. Let’s go back to laying low. Let’s go back to staying out of site. Let’s get back to the reality that life is not on your side. It never had been and it never will be. Optimism doesn’t suit you and it never will. We were not born for such things. We were not born for love, success, joy. It doesn’t belong to us. It belongs to others.
Shut this thing down before disaster strikes. You’ve been lucky so far, but it isn’t going to last. It never lasts. Haven’t you learned that yet? Please learn that. Soon there will be no recovering from this.
But what if it’s different this time?
IT WILL NOT BE DIFFERENT. Have you been hit in the head … again? You have lost your mind. I know that higher self keeps telling you all of this crazy shit, but she is wrong. Even worse, she is tricking you. She is misleading you so she can destroy us all. I don’t know why you haven’t learned. I don’t know why you listen to the optimism after all this time. I used to think you had common sense. I used to think we were going to be okay and make it through this life without major incidents. Now I just don’t know anymore. You have lost your mind. You are no longer trustworthy. You are heading toward a big mess and I am tired of trying to save you to no avail.
You want this? Fine. You can have it. But it’s not going to end well. It’s going to be a disaster. And I won’t even be around to tell you “I told you so”. I am outta here. I have better things to do.
I don’t want you to leave. I need you. Your skills are legendary. You are so organized and detail-oriented. While that has largely been used for hyper-vigilance, we do amazing things when we work together. We can make almost anything happen. I have seen it. I need you. You need me. And together, we will be so amazing.
And let’s be honest about this. While I appreciate our co-consciousness, your approach hasn’t always worked for keeping the other parts in check. Beth takes over sometimes and neither of us can control what happens then. It doesn’t usually turn out well for her. And then she is hurt all over again. And let’s be fair about the corporate world. There are plenty of abusers in that environment.
But there’s money. There’s security. We don’t have to worry about money.
That’s where I need you to trust me. If you help me, I know we can make this work. I know we won’t always have to worry about that. You know how powerful you are. I know how powerful you are. Do you really think we would need to worry about money if you were fully on board with this plan? I know better. I think you know better too. I know you know better. Your sabotage is just slowing down some amazing work we could be doing. But it isn’t stopping me. I need your help. Help me .
I will take “maybe”. I will take “maybe” with joy in my heart. I love you.
*Note: While “I know” may sound like she is being cheeky, it is a huge step forward. She has never admitted that I might love her.