I have been working with my goddess for the last few months and it’s been intense. Throughout this journey, I have noticed the power to take me down is directly proportional to the power of the inner part. And while my defenses have always been a struggle, they have really kicked in lately. My controller is NOT a fan of the goddess. And the longer I work with this part, the more I understand why. She is a powerhouse. She has the ability to stop me in my tracks with her futility and she does. She hasn’t created overwhelming external problems because I am open to the conversation, but if I tried to shut her down, it would be chaos.
The exhaustion caused by the battle between the controller and the goddess is big. My bed has been whispering sweet nothings in my ear and it is very tempting. While I know it is partially driven by futility, it is also true exhaustion from the inner processing. My level of activity has plummeted to levels I haven’t seen in a while. And the timing is not great. But let’s face it, it’s never great. The controller loves to tell us that timing matters. It doesn’t.
But even with all this paralysis, there is movement. The goddess is very interested in movement. She wants action, especially where the body is concerned. She doesn’t live in the mind and she doesn’t care what it has to say. She wants to bring balance to this system and she won’t take no for an answer. Since I have started working with her, there have been some interesting developments. I have become more active. I have planned some trips. I have explored more of what I love. I have joined a gym. And I have changed my diet. These are not controller things. These are body things. These are heart-centered things. These are definitely goddess things.
The messages from the goddess are very diverse. It has taken me some time to gain a conscious understanding of them. They are definitely about balance. Here are some of her teachings.
She’s back. This doesn’t seem earth-shattering at first, but it is. When she says she is back, it means she must have been here at some point. She was around in the very early years. She brings the primal needs of the system. Her need for sustenance, connection and self care would have been front and center when I was a small child. And this also explains her futility. None of these needs were met. So while I may not remember her, she was around.
She owns the body. While the controller runs the mind, she owns the body. She is in charge of making sure the body is well cared for. She ensures I can keep going physically as I meet life in a purposeful way. She wants me to know that the body matters. And she isn’t going to shut up until I get that message.
She is sick and tired of how the body is being treated. While she was being buried in years of manic thinking, freedom fighting and survival strategies, the body was paying the price. The eating and exercise were not what they should have been. The substances kept the emotional pain to a minimum, but did nothing for physical health. There was not enough rest. And she’s pissed. She’s got a lot of work to do. And she is tired of the controller trumping her needs. She has plans and they will happen.
She wants connection, but she has stories. She holds more futility about relationship than any other part. And that is saying something. She has been rejected again and again for the things she loves. And while she wants to connect with others, she wants to be authentic more. I have promised her we will not be compromising authenticity to meet the requirements of others anymore. And she wants to believe me.
She wants to go back to the basics. She feels that life is too complicated. She wants to clear out the muck. She wants to eliminate the static the controller used to distract me. And this goes for everything from extra work to extra furniture. It all needs to go. Simplification is best. If things are simple, there is time for rest and eating and connection and fun. If things are complicated, there is only time for running around. She is done with the controller’s way of life.
She is tired of focusing on time. She gets that time matters to some degree, but the constant pressure from the controller to get everything done quickly is not working for her. Now when I am doing something, I am aware of the battle in my head. It sounds like this:
“Hurry up. You are running out of time.”
“Stop panicking. There is plenty of time.”
I am getting the impression that the real answer is somewhere in between. It usually is.
I am contemplating how my goddess will change things. Overall I am excited about what she brings. My controller is panicked. And honestly, I just need a bit of rest. But I am past the point of thinking that change is scary. I won’t stagnate in this life anymore. And if it means there will be inner battles along with some exhaustion, I will take it. I would rather move forward. I would rather move anywhere. And the goddess agrees.
Good morning Elisabeth,
This made me cry. I can feel her and she is beautiful.
She doesn’t understand though, why you call her futile? Useless…pointless?
This hurts her. She couldn’t be there before because you needed to focus on survival – but that is over now.
The changes are beautiful and loving. It sounds wonderful and I want to join you in your play at the gym, eating fantastic food and celebrating your body!
It is scary. Change is scary when we come from the controller’s perspective. I attempt to step outside of the controller’s belief bubble and observe what she is thinking, recognize that these thoughts are from the past/based on the past and projected into the present. Hopefully by doing so I am able to observe those thought patterns and recognize that those are no longer true for me.
Of course, this is our work – every single one of us. That’s why we call it ‘work’. It is not easy. It takes focus, inner focus and strength which is why rest is so important. It is a process.
And it definitely is ‘ONE STEP AT A TIME’. Slow and steady.
Thank you for shining your beautiful goddess light and showing all of us the way. For giving us hope, guidance and support.
Thank you Wendy for your beautiful words. I want to clarify that I don’t see her as pointless. She holds the belief that everything is pointless. And that is what we are working to shift together.
My apologies Elisabeth. I was looking at the definition of futile and not how it is applied. Thank you for the clarification.
Sometimes it is hard to tell who is doing what – Ha! Ha!
Is it the controller or is it the goddess? Is it a defender or is it another part? Especially if they are all talking at once!!
😉
This is definitely some very confusing work we are doing.
Loved reading this and meeting the Goddess. Thanks for sharing your journey so candidly. It helps others out here reading…
Cat
Thank you Cat!
I really like your knowing that you are past the point of thinking change is scary! I keep thinking that I see the big storm or the huge whirlpool, right in front of me, no getting around it. There is nothing to be done but say here we go! I like the idea that movement is preferable to stagnation, with the sense your life IS on the move. It can be a weird thing- I remember on the verge of being raped, passing the point of hysteria, looking myself in the face and saying here we go. There was nothing to be done but go into it and steer that boat as best you could in that storm. It’s not always that, but fear and exhilaration are so close – maybe the choice is to run away, stop in your tracks, or go into it. No matter what. Thanks for your goddess and what she is demanding!
That did not come out right- there isn’t exhilaration in being assaulted, and I think if we learned to dissociate as tykes, it happens over and over. I think after the panic and resolution, dissociation definitely took over. I greatly appreciate that you recognize the call to be body/heart centered is really vital to life. Life.
Thank you Wendy. Centering ourselves in our body is absolutely critical and also the most difficult thing we have to do. Love to you.
Reading this made me feel pretty emotional and also happy for you at the same time. I really appreciate how much you share with us. It gives me a lot of hope that I might someday get to where you are. Keep sharing, it’s so helpful <3
Thank you Victoria. I have been thinking about you today. I hope you are doing well. I’m sending my love to you!
Sounds like “Goddess” and “Controller” need to call a truce. The Goddess can make space for the “Controller” or the one that gets sh*t done. That’s actually may be the resourceful part of you. This doesn’t have to be a battle for who is on top. You can use her in a positive way by reframing and renaming this ‘energetic’ life force. And of course there’s another part, your ‘Wise Self’ or ‘Higher Self’ that knows discernment. We know that not everything we tell ourselves is true. We may be operating from the old script – the ‘old party’ line. You could probably do some EMDR tapping techniques to turn that around. For example: tap in: “things are unfolding exactly the way they are suppose to unfold” or “it feels like I need to do this now and it’s okay I have time”.
Laura Parnell’s Tapping book is great for resourcing those parts.
Your desire for movement is a great sign that you’re more fully integrating. Good for you. I’m planning to take a dance class. This goddess needs to dance 💃 and celebrate the ‘good’ life. I’m also planning to ride my bicycle 🚴 in the spring. The flowers 🌺 will be in bloom soon. Good to be outdoors.
I encourage you to trust your intuition. A word of warning on Twitter: some trauma advocate energies are not healthy and unhelpful to fellow survivors. As Bessel van der Kolk has said: “more than anything else a trauma survivor wants to be ‘seen, heard and known”. Unfortunately, it’s easy for some trauma survivors to get caught up in their own ‘savior’ identity. That’s a potentially dangerous energetic to feed. I call it ‘false empowerment’. Much like a ‘cult leader’, this kind of person can lead others astray. ‘Playing victim’ and feeding on other’s vulnerabilities while feeding their own ego are common ploys. It’s amazing how so many have yet to see through this facade.
I’ve always seen you as a person with a ‘good’ heart. I wish you the best. It’s mostly for that reason I decided to to leave the ‘trauma drama’ of social media behind. I just found a good quote from a wise one: “Liberation is the realization that there’s no one to liberate.”
Michael Brown also has some wise words about those who get caught up in the role of savior: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0f_AoaV8ehc
With everything going on in the world 🌎 today, it’s more important than ever to acknowledge the ‘light’ and ‘dark’ not only in others, but in ourselves. None of us our perfect, even those we may admire or see as role models or advocates. Too many people are looking for a rescuer. And too many people are willing to be a ‘rescuer’ to fill themselves up.
If you post this to your blog – that’s fine. If not, that’s find too. I obviously went off topic. A lot of energy moving these days. We all need to be aware, and perhaps a bit guarded with whom we confide, but not so much that we are entirely fearful either.
Thank you so much for your thoughts Jennifer. I appreciate you taking the time to write all of this.
I like her. Sending love and light to your goddess 🙂
Thank you Anna!