I have been working with my goddess for the last few months and it’s been intense.  Throughout this journey, I have noticed the power to take me down is directly proportional to the power of the inner part.  And while my defenses have always been a struggle, they have really kicked in lately.  My controller is NOT a fan of the goddess.  And the longer I work with this part, the more I understand why.  She is a powerhouse.  She has the ability to stop me in my tracks with her futility and she does.  She hasn’t created overwhelming external problems because I am open to the conversation, but if I tried to shut her down, it would be chaos.

The exhaustion caused by the battle between the controller and the goddess is big.  My bed has been whispering sweet nothings in my ear and it is very tempting.  While I know it is partially driven by futility, it is also true exhaustion from the inner processing.  My level of activity has plummeted to levels I haven’t seen in a while.  And the timing is not great.  But let’s face it, it’s never great.  The controller loves to tell us that timing matters.  It doesn’t.

But even with all this paralysis, there is movement.  The goddess is very interested in movement.  She wants action, especially where the body is concerned.  She doesn’t live in the mind and she doesn’t care what it has to say.  She wants to bring balance to this system and she won’t take no for an answer.  Since I have started working with her, there have been some interesting developments.  I have become more active.  I have planned some trips.  I have explored more of what I love.  I have joined a gym.  And I have changed my diet.  These are not controller things.  These are body things.  These are heart-centered things.  These are definitely goddess things.

The messages from the goddess are very diverse.  It has taken me some time to gain a conscious understanding of them.  They are definitely about balance.  Here are some of her teachings.

She’s back.  This doesn’t seem earth-shattering at first, but it is.  When she says she is back, it means she must have been here at some point.  She was around in the very early years.  She brings the primal needs of the system.  Her need for sustenance, connection and self care would have been front and center when I was a small child.  And this also explains her futility.  None of these needs were met.  So while I may not remember her, she was around.

She owns the body.  While the controller runs the mind, she owns the body.  She is in charge of making sure the body is well cared for.  She ensures I can keep going physically as I meet life in a purposeful way.  She wants me to know that the body matters.  And she isn’t going to shut up until I get that message.

She is sick and tired of how the body is being treated.  While she was being buried in years of manic thinking, freedom fighting and survival strategies, the body was paying the price.  The eating and exercise were not what they should have been.  The substances kept the emotional pain to a minimum, but did nothing for physical health.  There was not enough rest.  And she’s pissed.  She’s got a lot of work to do.  And she is tired of the controller trumping her needs.  She has plans and they will happen.

She wants connection, but she has stories.  She holds more futility about relationship than any other part.  And that is saying something.  She has been rejected again and again for the things she loves.  And while she wants to connect with others, she wants to be authentic more.  I have promised her we will not be compromising authenticity to meet the requirements of others anymore.  And she wants to believe me.

She wants to go back to the basics.  She feels that life is too complicated.  She wants to clear out the muck.  She wants to eliminate the static the controller used to distract me.  And this goes for everything from extra work to extra furniture.  It all needs to go.  Simplification is best.  If things are simple, there is time for rest and eating and connection and fun.  If things are complicated, there is only time for running around.  She is done with the controller’s way of life.

She is tired of focusing on time.  She gets that time matters to some degree, but the constant pressure from the controller to get everything done quickly is not working for her.  Now when I am doing something, I am aware of the battle in my head.  It sounds like this:

“Hurry up.  You are running out of time.”

“Stop panicking.  There is plenty of time.”

I am getting the impression that the real answer is somewhere in between.  It usually is.

I am contemplating how my goddess will change things.  Overall I am excited about what she brings.  My controller is panicked.  And honestly, I just need a bit of rest.  But I am past the point of thinking that change is scary.  I won’t stagnate in this life anymore.  And if it means there will be inner battles along with some exhaustion, I will take it.  I would rather move forward.  I would rather move anywhere.  And the goddess agrees.

Stepping Up:

3 Steps to Overcoming the Awareness Challenge

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