I went to the grocery store this morning. I have never liked grocery stores. I have trauma around food which complicates my shopping experience. But this morning as I walked down the aisles, I quickly noticed more activity than usual. The employees were tearing down shelves and moving labels and food around. It seemed like a full-blown reorganization. My mind immediately went to the place it always goes. Right then, I noticed an elderly woman walking the opposite way down the aisle. As I passed her, she spoke to me. And she said exactly what was going through my head.
“I just learned where everything is and now they are going to change it.”
I wanted to give her a high five. But I thought that might have been a slightly extreme reaction. I did affirm her frustrations though. Change is hard. Change is particularly hard for those of us who lived in chaotic childhoods. It is nice to know our food will be on the same shelf every week. It is nice to know that what we have come to expect won’t change. But in reality, everything is always changing. The old adage that “everything is temporary” is true, no matter how much we don’t want it to be true. But it is frustrating and scary when external stuff changes. And it is absolutely terrifying when the internal stuff changes.
That’s where I am now. There is internal change on the horizon and it is big. I can feel it in my body. There is muscle tension in my back and neck (more than usual) which is making it hard to function at normal capacity. My heart feels like it is in a constant state of contraction, like there is a war inside it. My anxiety and fear are certainly high. I can feel my immune system working overtime. And my inner conversation has reached a high-pitch intensity I haven’t seen in a while. There is change coming. And my parts are sure this will be a bad thing.
I have been writing my inner conversation with a bit more commitment than usual. I am usually committed but when the war inside has the potential to take me down physically, I get extra committed. So today, I thought I would share my inner battle between my goddess and my controller. These two inner parts have a way of mirroring the feminine and masculine struggles which seem to be manifesting globally these days. The futility of the feminine and the oppressiveness of the masculine are in full effect. And something tells me that if we don’t work this out on the inside, we can’t work this out on the outside.
The Goddess
Nothing ever works out. Don’t you see there is no hope for me in this world? I don’t belong here. There is nothing I can take from this world that will help me. There is nothing here for me at all. I am an alien. This world is filled with evil and nastiness and there is no point in continuing the battle to survive, to fit in, to be someone who is respected. I am not welcome here. I didn’t create this circus. I am not a part of this circus. I can never be a part of this circus. There is something about me that is different and I cannot belong here. So stop trying. It is best to wait until I can go home where I belong. Don’t you understand? This is not my place. I have been told that over and over and over again. This is not my place.
The Controller
Did you just hear that? How can you let her loose knowing that? Can’t you see that it will do no good at all to have her with us? She will drag us down with her talk of not belonging, of being different. She will bury us in her futility (as you call it). She will leave us with no practical way to survive because she doesn’t care about those things. Can’t you see how she is a problem? She is right. She doesn’t fit here. So leave her where she is. Leave her buried deep inside where she belongs. She has no place here. Even she knows she has no place here. Stop trying to rescue every part of yourself. Maybe some parts need to stay tucked away. Maybe her place is in the dark. Society certainly thinks so. They can’t all be wrong, can they? Why would they all be wrong?
The Adult Self
I don’t agree with either of you. I don’t believe that she belongs in the dark. I don’t believe she doesn’t belong here. Society needs her. Society needs more of her. She must come out and show others they can come out too. We must show society a different way, a balanced way. There has to be a balanced way or our human race will die just like the Earth is dying. She must come out or there will be nothing left to come out to. She must come out in mass. It is time for her to live whether or not she “belongs”. Honestly, this world is messed up right now. She isn’t supposed to belong. She is supposed to lift it up. She needs to lift it up. And she must start now.
You are absolutely amazing, Elisabeth. I can not wait to see what insight this battle will bring. You are full of amazing insights but for some reason I am really looking forward to this one.
“She must come out or there will be nothing left to come out to. She must come out in mass. It is time for her to live whether or not she “belongs”. Honestly, this world is messed up right now. She isn’t supposed to belong. She is supposed to lift it up. She needs to lift it up.” <3
So much love to you.
Thank you so much Zeinab! I am looking forward to it too. I just hope it comes soon. 🙂
Thanks for sharing both the conflicting parts as well as the adult self that sees the big picture- in the self and in the world. I tend to avoid adults since they seem preachy and stern and judgmental- but here the adult recognizes the severity of the conflict, and the need for inclusion without giving in to fear, and the overarching desire for us all to pull together and row this boat.
Thank you Wendy. There is definitely a lot of pressure on the adult self during these battles, but we can bring the necessary balance if we come at it from a grounded perspective.
I have to go through feelings of not belonging here and being different several times a week. And, I get the feelings of fear and shame in my mind, heart, and stomach. It is so sad!
Just recently I am learning to allow that feeling of deep sadness, instead of trying to suppress it. And, what I have discovered, surprisingly, is that I recover quicker than I would have imagined. It appears that making the connection with my deep inner sadness is more beneficial than pushing it away.
I believe that it is also beneficial for me to feel true shame over the bad things that I have done to myself and others. I am owning it and allowing myself to be accountable. This is different from the shame and blame that was imposed on me by my abusers or the internalization of my anger. This is genuine shame and regret for my own words and deeds. Being aware of the difference is the key for me.
I am finding balance in feeling compassion for my sad inner child and my adult self who is managing a very difficult life situation.
I love this Beth. It sounds like you are accepting yourself on a much deeper level. Sadness and shame are definitely feelings we need to allow our parts to share. Self compassion is so important there.
This is in the field right now and gosh is it big!
It is big Lucy.
I felt so empowered (I think??) reading this… especially from your adult self. Feeling some emotions (I should go write now too!). Thank you for sharing this and, as always, being so authentic and vulnerable <3
Thank you Victoria! Write those emotions.
I met up with with a family who lives across the street from us today. I suddenly felt uptight & nervous like I would like to escape as I felt I was being judged. I think they could recognize my fear. I hurriedly made the best of the conversation & was happily on my way. Why do I fear ordinary people? Some more than others.
Socializing is so hard for us because we bring all those old patterns with us. If we were always judged in childhood, we will expect judgment. If we were rejected, we will expect rejection. If we were abandoned, we will expect abandonment. And when people are just plain nice to us, we don’t believe them because we are not expecting it. I am glad you were able to stick with it. Love to you as you navigate this confusing relational world.
I understand Jean, I am anti-social. Why would I talk to strangers, They don’t know me, they don’t want to know me. They don’t care about my problems, they have plenty of their own. That’s normally how I think of others. My physiotherapist for my back wants me to take a class with 3 other people in a small work out place and I almost said no. I need the class but don’t want to be stuck in tight quarters with strange people. I like the instructor so I said I would come once and try it out. I tried to explain to her jokingly that I am somewhat anti-social. She paused and said okay. I know already she is thinking I am a weirdo! Maybe I am, I really don’t care anymore if people think I’m weird, I think I’m weird!