I went to the grocery store this morning. I have never liked grocery stores. I have trauma around food which complicates my shopping experience. But this morning as I walked down the aisles, I quickly noticed more activity than usual. The employees were tearing down shelves and moving labels and food around. It seemed like a full-blown reorganization. My mind immediately went to the place it always goes. Right then, I noticed an elderly woman walking the opposite way down the aisle. As I passed her, she spoke to me. And she said exactly what was going through my head.
“I just learned where everything is and now they are going to change it.”
I wanted to give her a high five. But I thought that might have been a slightly extreme reaction. I did affirm her frustrations though. Change is hard. Change is particularly hard for those of us who lived in chaotic childhoods. It is nice to know our food will be on the same shelf every week. It is nice to know that what we have come to expect won’t change. But in reality, everything is always changing. The old adage that “everything is temporary” is true, no matter how much we don’t want it to be true. But it is frustrating and scary when external stuff changes. And it is absolutely terrifying when the internal stuff changes.
That’s where I am now. There is internal change on the horizon and it is big. I can feel it in my body. There is muscle tension in my back and neck (more than usual) which is making it hard to function at normal capacity. My heart feels like it is in a constant state of contraction, like there is a war inside it. My anxiety and fear are certainly high. I can feel my immune system working overtime. And my inner conversation has reached a high-pitch intensity I haven’t seen in a while. There is change coming. And my parts are sure this will be a bad thing.
I have been writing my inner conversation with a bit more commitment than usual. I am usually committed but when the war inside has the potential to take me down physically, I get extra committed. So today, I thought I would share my inner battle between my goddess and my controller. These two inner parts have a way of mirroring the feminine and masculine struggles which seem to be manifesting globally these days. The futility of the feminine and the oppressiveness of the masculine are in full effect. And something tells me that if we don’t work this out on the inside, we can’t work this out on the outside.
Nothing ever works out. Don’t you see there is no hope for me in this world? I don’t belong here. There is nothing I can take from this world that will help me. There is nothing here for me at all. I am an alien. This world is filled with evil and nastiness and there is no point in continuing the battle to survive, to fit in, to be someone who is respected. I am not welcome here. I didn’t create this circus. I am not a part of this circus. I can never be a part of this circus. There is something about me that is different and I cannot belong here. So stop trying. It is best to wait until I can go home where I belong. Don’t you understand? This is not my place. I have been told that over and over and over again. This is not my place.
Did you just hear that? How can you let her loose knowing that? Can’t you see that it will do no good at all to have her with us? She will drag us down with her talk of not belonging, of being different. She will bury us in her futility (as you call it). She will leave us with no practical way to survive because she doesn’t care about those things. Can’t you see how she is a problem? She is right. She doesn’t fit here. So leave her where she is. Leave her buried deep inside where she belongs. She has no place here. Even she knows she has no place here. Stop trying to rescue every part of yourself. Maybe some parts need to stay tucked away. Maybe her place is in the dark. Society certainly thinks so. They can’t all be wrong, can they? Why would they all be wrong?
The Adult Self
I don’t agree with either of you. I don’t believe that she belongs in the dark. I don’t believe she doesn’t belong here. Society needs her. Society needs more of her. She must come out and show others they can come out too. We must show society a different way, a balanced way. There has to be a balanced way or our human race will die just like the Earth is dying. She must come out or there will be nothing left to come out to. She must come out in mass. It is time for her to live whether or not she “belongs”. Honestly, this world is messed up right now. She isn’t supposed to belong. She is supposed to lift it up. She needs to lift it up. And she must start now.