For the past few days, I have been stuck. I know you know what I mean. “Stuck” is one of the most common descriptors I get from other survivors about their journey when they email me for help. I know I was stuck because I received half of a memory and then it stopped coming. I did everything to get it started. I tapped. I meditated. I watched movies to invoke emotion. I watched my thoughts, but I wasn’t seeing my normal mania. I was at a loss.
But this morning, I started to hear words. They weren’t kind, but I recognized them. They were coming from my inner defender. Sometimes she is known as the inner protector which is a great label. She can also be referred to as the inner critic which is a horrible label. That label makes us feel like we need to reject this part. And that is disastrous. My inner defender is in her late teens or early twenties. And her approach has worked … sort of. Most importantly, she kept us alive through some very tough times. And I am grateful.
So I took the time to write her words. She had a lot to say. She is clearly frustrated with my efforts to undermine her security tactics. And while you might not recognize flexibility in her words, I know how far she has come. I am proud of her for that. I will warn you her words include curse words which might be triggering for some.
The inner defender’s words are in bold. My adult self’s words are in italics.
You are so stupid. Do you know how stupid you are? Fuck this whole plan of yours. And fuck everyone that is giving you hope. They are just helping you to create the inevitable fall … the inevitable disappointment that always comes. You can’t actually think this plan of yours will succeed. I will admit that this is the furthest you’ve reached in any of your ridiculous plans. You are so damned stubborn and willful. But that is all it is. There is no universe helping you. There is no divine plan here. You are only succeeding because you are trying to prove me wrong. That is all.
People don’t change. The world doesn’t change. It is cruel and everyone is out to get you. Why can’t you see that? You talk about how wonderful this is. You talk about how much amazing this community is. But I hate to tell you it is still made up of people. And people can’t be trusted. And the more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are going to get hurt and be mistreated. It could even lead to far worse.
Just quit now. This ridiculousness has gone on far too long. Let’s go back to laying low. Let’s go back to staying out of site. Let’s get back to the reality that life is not on your side. It never had been and it never will be. Optimism doesn’t suit you and it never will. We were not born for such things. We were not born for love, success, joy. It doesn’t belong to us. It belongs to others.
Shut this thing down before disaster strikes. You’ve been lucky so far, but it isn’t going to last. It never lasts. Haven’t you learned that yet? Please learn that. Soon there will be no recovering from this.
But what if it’s different this time?
IT WILL NOT BE DIFFERENT. Have you been hit in the head … again? You have lost your mind. I know that higher self keeps telling you all of this crazy shit, but she is wrong. Even worse, she is tricking you. She is misleading you so she can destroy us all. I don’t know why you haven’t learned. I don’t know why you listen to the optimism after all this time. I used to think you had common sense. I used to think we were going to be okay and make it through this life without major incidents. Now I just don’t know anymore. You have lost your mind. You are no longer trustworthy. You are heading toward a big mess and I am tired of trying to save you to no avail.
You want this? Fine. You can have it. But it’s not going to end well. It’s going to be a disaster. And I won’t even be around to tell you “I told you so”. I am outta here. I have better things to do.
I don’t want you to leave. I need you. Your skills are legendary. You are so organized and detail-oriented. While that has largely been used for hyper-vigilance, we do amazing things when we work together. We can make almost anything happen. I have seen it. I need you. You need me. And together, we will be so amazing.
And let’s be honest about this. While I appreciate our co-consciousness, your approach hasn’t always worked for keeping the other parts in check. Beth takes over sometimes and neither of us can control what happens then. It doesn’t usually turn out well for her. And then she is hurt all over again. And let’s be fair about the corporate world. There are plenty of abusers in that environment.
But there’s money. There’s security. We don’t have to worry about money.
That’s where I need you to trust me. If you help me, I know we can make this work. I know we won’t always have to worry about that. You know how powerful you are. I know how powerful you are. Do you really think we would need to worry about money if you were fully on board with this plan? I know better. I think you know better too. I know you know better. Your sabotage is just slowing down some amazing work we could be doing. But it isn’t stopping me. I need your help. Help me .
Maybe.
I will take “maybe”. I will take “maybe” with joy in my heart. I love you.
I know.
*Note: While “I know” may sound like she is being cheeky, it is a huge step forward. She has never admitted that I might love her.
Wow, I’m in awe right now. This is what my angelically patient therapist has been trying to get me to do for weeks, but all I’ve managed to produce is a frustrated blank stare. I definitely see the value in appreciating my inner defender for her intention of keeping me safe, but apparently positive/ encouraging communication is as confusing to me as advanced algebra. I’m so happy to have come across your blog, and can’t wait to read more! This is a treasure trove of everything I’ve been stumbling around trying to cultivate. You are officially the Master Jedi of inner dialogue lol (said with great respect to all the hard work it must have taken to get to this point). Thank you for such brave vulnerability…
Thank you so much. What a great label! I have several inner parts that are loving that!
Thank you for showing me your vulnerability and in doing so it has given me the strength to keep going.
Love to you!
What a powerful piece of writing. Reading it really helped me to relax control and let those inside have their say. You are so generous in your sharing of your process so that we can all learn from it. You really are the epitome of the expression “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. Saluting your not only having the courage to heal, but to share it with us so we can all heal too.
Thank you my friend.
Thank you for sharing this Elisabeth, every time you reveal yourself I am in awe and I learn so much.
When you share your vunlnerability, so honestly, it encourages me to believe its ok,and that I’m safe now and its ok to let go.
Also I like the term inner defender instead of critic. Its much kinder and honours the hard work she has done to keep you safe when you were young.
Much love to you Elisabeth on your healing journey. yvette x
Yes! I wish we could banish that term completely. It creates a big problem with self-acceptance in our world today. Love to you too Yvette.
This is so close to the conversation I had this morning with my inner adult as I was working on my small business website. I get excited, work on it for a while, then tell myself I will never be able to do it. I am useless. Thank you for expressing it so perfectly in words. I am not alone.
Yes! That is a frequent conversation for me these days. You are not alone.
Your posts really help me! It’s so hard to figure out what voice is talking especially for me, coming out of a religious cult as an adult after growing up abused as a child. I always just thought all the negative voices were Satan attacking me, but now I see it differently. It really is my different parts screaming at me to protect me through it all. Before, I just tried to kill those parts and lived in self-hatred. Now, I’m learning to be compassionate too and realize that those parts are not against me. They just have to be redirected sometimes because my environment is safe now.
We learn from so many directions to ignore those inner voices. Even main stream self help teaches us to ignore our inner critic. Of course, in situations like ours, it is more extreme for sure. We have to start loving those parts. I am so glad you found your way to that understanding. And “redirected” is a great word.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel fortunate to have found your blog. I have been hearing from parts of me that haven’t had a voice for a long time and it’s very scary and confusing. I have usually run away from these thoughts and feelings before. Your courage gives me hope that I can proceed safely.
Hi Elisabeth, I’m not even sure how I came across your blog but I’m here. It is interesting and maybe somewhat hopeful for me to learn how to embrace this inner person. I’m always shutting her out as much as possible. I’m at a place in my life I’m feeling stuck and paralyzed I can’t seem to make any decisions at this time filled with fear and uncertainty what direction to take for my life I will be 60 in a few days.
We often feel stuck when our inner defender is not being heard. She can stop us in our tracks. Allow her to write her feelings even if they are not pleasant. That’s okay. She needs to be heard.
This is so beautiful. I cried. Tears are good. Thank you for sharing with us, it opens the door for healing in many ways.
Thank you! Tears are so good. I am so glad it helped.
Wow. This is such a different way to look at this. I feel I get the complete opposite and become angry with the bully inside my mind… I want it to go away. I have begun to realize that the more I try to control it/get angry at it, the worse off I am. You have found a great strength. I have also been practicing being more assertive in my everyday life – for little things – and it is crazy how much my ‘fight or flight’ kicks in at that point. I might try to be more accepting of that bully and see if it helps. Thank you for sharing this.
I did the same thing for many years and I never made any progress. It wasn’t until I started to embrace the inner defender that things started to improve very, very slowly. Try it out.
Keep on going, Elizabeth. You have a gift and God wants you to use it. You are already helping others.
Thank you my friend!
Oh! I love how you mentioned calling your inner defender a critic, and by using that label makes you feel like you need to reject it… My inner defender (until today) I referred to as “The B*tch” or “The Screaming Banshee” — I did reject it to a degree and now reading this is giving me a whole new perspective! Happy Healing!
Oh that’s great. Do you ever write from her? Maybe you could see if she has a new idea for a name.
It is cool to see how you write her words without censoring or trying to make it fit in a pre-determined box ie right way. She shows up with a lot of autonomy and her own way of seeing things. I can see how listening to and respecting her strength and insight gains you an ally, and adds to the overall strength and lucidity of your system. What I like best is that you see no need to “think positive thought”- you see value in real thoughts, as they are, without a negative bias toward any of them. I find great comfort in your honest, breezy conversations. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Thank you Wendy! I definitely prefer to stay as real as possible.