As survivors, we work hard to minimize the impact of triggers on our daily lives. We learn approaches to stay present when the triggers come. And we try to avoid the triggers when we can. I have met survivors who attempt to avoid all triggers. Some stay locked away from the world. Some avoid relationships, friendships and anything remotely resembling their childhood. And while there is certainly a case for minimizing triggers to keep life tolerable, there is a problem with trigger avoidance. It is impossible. Triggers are inevitable. As long as we live on this Earth, we will be triggered.
Why? Triggers aren’t what we think they are. Triggers are not small torture devices sent from the universe. Triggers are a reminder that we have work to do. We have emotions to feel. We have memories to recover. We have inner conversations to start. We are here to grow. It is a universal law. So we will continue to see reminders. And avoidance will not help us. We may temporarily delay the inevitable, but that’s the most we can do.
It isn’t our fault that we don’t understand the true nature of triggers. We have been told they are bad. We have been told to avoid them as much as possible. Most trauma therapies teach us how to tolerate and live with trauma, to breathe through our triggers. So we have learned that triggers are something to be lived with, not something to be learned from. And it doesn’t help that there is a pervasive feeling in the world of trauma recovery that trauma will follow us around for the rest of our lives. While I do believe self-development is a lifetime journey, I am not convinced we have to live with trauma for a lifetime.
You may not be convinced that triggers are a good thing, but I would like to share some of my own experiences with triggers and how I have used them to further my own personal growth and memory recovery. Here are some examples of how they show up in my life.
1) Children. If you have children, you already understand what I mean. Children are here to remind us of our past. Literally, their purpose is to help us grow. Do you have a fear that surpasses all others? Your children will embody that fear. My children have dragged me through all my fears around food, personal space, control, dentists, noise and sleep. And like all triggers, they aren’t trying to torture me. They are trying to tell me to find a new perspective, to look at these issues from an adult perspective, instead of my inner child’s perspective. Honestly, when children are raising children, it is bound to go wrong. So these triggers are providing me an opportunity to change. My new parenting email workshop discusses parenting after trauma in much more detail.
2) Media. When I am retrieving a memory, it starts off with a state of confusion. I have far more questions than answers. I usually experience some not-so-fun emotions followed by a flashback. The flashback is usually not clear at first. I can’t always tell the circumstances. I might get a general sense of a time frame or place, but not always. So then, the universe will send me clues. I will see information about a country in my Facebook news feed or the weather report will mention a city. I will hear names on television programs that remind me of a certain person from my past. And my reaction will be intense and deep. It will be unforgettable. And when I push through my defenses to focus on it, the memory will become clearer. But if I am not paying attention, I will start to feel bad with no idea why.
3) Relationships. This one sounds obvious, but I am not referring to the most obvious relationship triggers. My triggers don’t always come in the form of debilitating and disastrous train wrecks (although they can). Sometimes, triggers can come from relatively benign events or statements. Maybe your friend uses a word or phrase that reminds you of a friend from your past. Maybe they give you advice that reminds you of your parents. Reminders don’t always come in the form of complete dysfunction or abuse. And when we become more aware in relationship, we can pick up on the small triggers and avoid the train wreck completely.
So what do we do with all these reminders? The hardest part is noticing them. But once we notice them, it is time to write. Maybe there is a story our inner child wants to tell. Write the story. Maybe there is an emotion. Write from the emotion (not just about it). Maybe the trigger seems to be about the present and not the past. Write about the present. The focus might shift to the past as you write.
Use triggers. Don’t avoid them. Allow them to remind you of what you don’t remember or still have to process. Allow them to be helpful in your life. If you can allow yourself to be thankful for those reminders (even some of the time), your inner relationships will start to flourish and your trauma journey will shift dramatically. And so will our discussion about triggers.
If you want to change your trigger responses, consider my one-on-one survivor guidance sessions to help you build awareness in your life.
I’m so glad your talking about the valuable side of triggers! Yes, they can be debilitating and take a concerted effort to work through. I agree with you Elisabeth, they can provide valuable information to help us survivors move forward. My triggers were what finally helped me realize that something happened to me and they helped me accept that my torment was with me for a reason. Since my memories were 100% repressed, I needed triggers to help me realize I needed to go within and help myself with support from others that have thankfully been put on my path.
Yes. Thank you for your comment. I think they are most helpful for those of us who suffer from memory repression, but even when survivors remember, they can let us know we aren’t done processing.
Good advice & a refreshingly self reliant approach Elisabeth. I have many ways that I dissociate & disconnect from my triggers & emotional responses. Interestingly, all my life I have had a wide variety of songs continuously playing in my head; an infinite jukebox. I only realised in the last few years (I’m 62) that it was my unconscious communicating with me through the lyrics I would be repetitively singing in my head. For example, if my relationship was getting intense and I was just unaware of it, my unconcious would be playing a song to give me a wake up call like “I’ve got to get out of this place, if it’s the last thing I ever do” Once I started to tune in and think about what the message was, the songs became a less frequent and less intense experience.
That is great self awareness. I have that happen but more intermittent. Every once in a while, I will wake up with a song in my head and it is always a message.
Cool!! I’ve had songs that come like that so randomly- what do you do with them?
I think the reason to avoid triggers is to get them to slow down, so that you aren’t dealing with 50 at a time. I have noticed that once I am exposed to one trigger, my awareness of triggers goes up (hypervigilance). If there is no time to process the first trigger before hitting the other 49, it’s forever before I can calm down enough to think about anything.
The ones I can’t avoid will be there in any case, but on a good day, I can space them out enough that there’s something going on in my life besides trying to get a handle on my emotions.
Very good point Ashana. Slowing them down can be helpful for our processing. We don’t want to overwhelm our system and get stuck.
Wow…all of this verbage about triggers, is way too awesome! It is nice to know that I am not alone, alone is so very lonely! Triggers are a reality that I am trying to start dealing with. The racing thoughtß mal3 it VERY hard to concentrate and process, which in-turn sends my triggers into a tailspin again! I am just learning thiß whole process….yet I am trying to be diligent!
****Progress not Perfection!***\\
Thank you Annette. That is exactly right. The triggers do seem to work like that. They can send us in to a spiral of reaction. It takes a ton of practice and awareness to manage it. Keep persisting. 🙂
Really good to read this post today. Two days ago I was triggered by just a short question someone asked me. I didn’t realise it was a trigger because I thought triggers had to be big things. But I do know that I literally froze with fear. Astonishing. It was only after analysing the words that I realised what had possibly happened. After reading your post it seems it is true – the slightest thing can be a trigger, and so I will get writing and see if my inner child has something to tell me. Thank you.
Yay! I am so glad it helped. Let me know how the writing goes.
My young part’s ‘protector’ thought the question was a trick. It had happened before, in a different time and place. The question had the same ring to it, and the words were phrased the same way. When it had happened before (although I don’t remember) my young part had been made to feel foolish when she had offered up an answer. To prevent this happening again now the protector part had stepped in and stopped any reply at all. Freezing the young part and causing her to remain dumbstruck, the protector believed he was keeping her safe.
But reflecting on this has flagged up that actually I do have the right now to answer a question as I see fit, and not feel ashamed if it is not what the person asking the question necessarily wants to hear. I don’t have to stay silent when I have an opinion of my own. But speaking up will indeed take some courage, and practise.
That is fantastic awareness Olive. I also have a part that is less likely to trust in that way. If someone remotely resembles my parents in their words or body language, she writes them off. I get that.
I’d also like to add that not every question from everybody merits an immediate, or even, any answer. We can ask for what we need whether thinking time or for respect of our boundary to not answer.
So true.
Even though I’ve read this before, Since becoming part of your Fall 2016 awareness group, I got a lot more today. I’ve always had triggers, which of course I felt I had to suppress. When I was in my F* you forties and fifties, my inner defenders got enough confidence to speak up (which got me in trouble). “What happened to Nancy the people pleaser?” When my son, his wife and 19 month old son came to visit in August 2015, I got triggered and after the steam stopped coming out of my ears, I was able to relate it to something in my teen years. Since then I’m more aware of other times/situations when I’ve been triggered. Thanks Elizabeth for making me/us more aware and encourage our healing. ♥
Thank you Nancy. It is amazing how we glean what we are ready for each time we read something. That happens to me all the time. The awareness you brought to that situation will make so much positive change happen in your life.
I also get triggers all the time. Only became aware of what they were in the last few years. I am soon to be 60. I find them exhausting. I work at managing them. I try to be aware in my relationship when it’s clearly a trigger and not something my husband is criticizing me with. I chose never to have children because of my trauma so at least I don’t have that journey in my quilt of life. I don’t write much about them. Perhaps I should.
Thank you Lee! Writing from our triggers can be so incredibly healing.
Oh. I have a friend that didn’t give me the response I asked for. I’ve only seen her once since Oct, and we used to be 1-2 times a week. I am totally paralyzed at dealing with it- such a simple thing as just telling her. But something in her or this dynamic has shut me down for 4 months. I hear you saying it’s a trigger and that it’s time to write from that part- and also, there may be several parts that seek different things! It’s not “find the right one” is it? I’m so glad you give us a way to use triggers and not try to endure them, white-knuckled. how do you push past your defenses?
You can’t push past the defenses. You have to start with them. Start by hearing from your defenses about why they don’t want you to talk to her. It is probably your isolator who wants to cut off the relationship.
Thanks Elizabeth for communicating this information. I have learned sooo much working with you. And I admire the courage and authenticity you display. The way that you present what you do makes healing quite attainable.
Sometimes I still get very self-conscious about freezing or being close to tears when triggered. I can co-exist with it better than in the past.
I can tell myself I am a work in progress when I feel like I should “just” be over it as an adult. There’s a thinking trap that says that adults have no reason to be that weak, especially about old pain. It doesn’t seem to fit in world of a powerful adult.
But the chances are that I wasn’t able to deal with trauma when it first happened so I must do it now.