How many people in your life would qualify as the “A-word”? You know those people who are nasty and manipulative and selfish, the people who are only interested in what’s in it for them. And I label them as abusers. (What word were you thinking of?) They aren’t necessarily punching you or sexually assaulting you, but their behavior is abusive on the emotional and mental levels.
Sometimes I wonder if trauma survivors are more prone to come across abusers. I wonder if there is a sign on my back that says, “I was horribly mistreated by my parents so that makes me more likely to succumb to your nasty bullying behavior.” (That message may be a little long.) And while I could spend hours, even days, feeling victimized all over again, I know I have to look at this from a different perspective. It is not possible to change the abusers. It is not possible to avoid the abusers entirely. While I am proud to say I have learned to set better boundaries, the abusers will always be around. I have to understand how I am reacting to them internally. My reaction must change. Nothing else can.
Of course, that means hard work. I am not new to this kind of work, but it doesn’t get easier. Changing myself is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I would much prefer to attempt to change other people and blame them when it doesn’t work. But that accomplishes nothing but ensuring a miserable life.
So being an anxiety-prone person, I have to look at how I am internalizing these interactions. And deep down, I am still likening these abusers to my parents. That makes so much sense. It isn’t much of a leap. My parents were clearly abusers.
But there’s a huge difference. I am an adult now. I am no longer a helpless victim. I don’t have to sit alone, huddled in a corner of my room, waiting for the next shoe to drop. I don’t have to let these people affect my life at all. They don’t have the power to do it. No matter how much fear they are living with, and no matter much fear they stir up in me, they can’t hurt me.
So when I lie awake at night waiting for the shoe to drop because some abuser projected their fear on to me, I must remind myself that I am no longer the helpless victim. I am no longer in danger of dying. There is no retaliation by these abusers that can have a major impact on my life. They are looking for someone to push around. They are looking for that person who is so driven by fear that they can be controlled by others. And that is no longer me.
So I do what I can to calm the anxiety, the “catastrophizing”, the feeling that I am one step away from complete disaster because this person is giving me a hard time. I acknowledge that I feel this way. I am compassionate about the feelings. I understand why they are there. But then I work to let go of that. I know it is not healthy. And I know it leads to health problems. And there is no reason to allow the past to rule my future.
And this work opens up the possibility for the “F-word”. Of course, I am talking about forgiveness. (What word were you thinking of?) I don’t like the word “forgiveness”. It is a tough word for child abuse survivors. It gets used against us sometimes because there are mixed messages that come with that word. Some believe that we must allow the abuser back in to our lives or continue to accept their abusive behavior. So what if we look at it differently? What if forgiveness is nothing more than an understanding?
If I become more aware of the abusers’ difficulties, fears and drivers for their behavior, maybe I will be more likely to understand why they behave that way. This allows me two new perspectives.
1) They are behaving that way because they are scared.
2) They aren’t likely to stop so I will need to protect myself by setting boundaries.
So as I interact with people who classify as the “A-word” and I allow myself to consider the meaning behind the “F-word”, I may just find a new set of words in my life.
Acceptance & Freedom
And I can live with those.
That is what forgiveness is to me, freedom. No longer letting thoughts control my life. This was a beautiful post. I also work hard to do this.
Thank you so much! I can tell you work hard to do this too.
Great post. Gave me a lot to think about…
Thanks you!
Thanks for this. I remember telling my ex-husband that I forgave him, but still wanted the divorce. He didn’t understand. He only thought forgiveness meant everything could go back the way things were. I agree with you that’s it’s an understanding and then letting it go. And sometimes the best thing to do is let that person go and don’t bring them back in your life.
I wish I could like that comment 1000 times.
This is timely, I am struggling with it being Mother’s Day here this weekend. Have been feeling such loss at losing my relationship with my mother and finding it hard to let go. The emotional abuse has been hard for me to recognise, although pointed out so many times by others. I am beginning to recognise that it’s not my fault when I encounter other abusive people. It is so healthy for me to see that they won’t change and to stop constantly blaming myself for everything. Thanks.
I think that is the hardest relationship to let go. Everyone wants (and on some level, needs) a mom. I struggled with Mother’s Day until I became a mother. It changed completely at that point. Sending you love and light today!
I love how you talked about not changing the other person. I have learned my responsibility is me and how I act and react. I need to let others be who they are and set a boundary when needed.
Forgiveness work is at the core of my healing and spiritual practices. It is not condoning. I needed to forgive all, including me, because not forgiving and holding onto my rage kept only me in a prison of torment.
Healing Blessings for us all
I think forgiving ourselves is the most important part. We have been brought up to believe it is all our fault. Of course, it is a mirror. As we relieve ourselves of responsibility for our abuse, we also let go of our abusers’ hold on our live. It seems to happen in conjunction.
Well said! Thank you & I totally agree.
Sharing this on my Facebook Fan Page: http://facebook.com/selfloveu
Thank you so much for sharing!! I have liked your page too. I am looking forward to your posts.
Reblogged this on Transcending Trauma Together and commented:
Love this! Mirrors my own experiences in so many ways.
Thank you for the reblog!!
I’ve been contemplating very similar in the past few days but I’m feeling very stuck. This is mostly in regard to my ex.
The thought on my mind is that while I can change my life, my healing keeps getting torn apart by being surrounded by triggers. And not just triggers brought up by similar items or anniversaries, but direct triggers from him. I even have a list…lol.
1. His physical presence. He’s in my house 2x/week to visit our children as he chose to move too far away to see them on weeknights at his place. I try to stay out of the house when he’s here (trigger 1, fear of going to my home). When I get home to put the kids in bed I need to interact with him (trigger 2, his body language, words and looks). And when he’s left, there’s always signs that he’s been there through things being moved around to his liking, garbage left around, etc. (trigger 3, his disregard for me overall).
2. His abandoned possessions. He still has so much stuff here. I’ve packed up his clothes, toiletries, personal belongings, etc but his books, models and other things remain. He rages if I throw things out but complains that he doesn’t have the space for them. I’ve asked him to take them out when the kids aren’t around but he hasn’t. I’ve come to the point where most are in the basement which helps but I still have them trigger me when I need to go down there (at least several times per week). (Trigger 4: powerlessness, Trigger 5: fear of retaliation if I take action, Trigger 6: being unseen.)
3. Our shared children. Of course I still need to communicate with him about the kids. And his needs always come first for him so I’m very careful in how I word anything (trigger 7: walking on eggshells). He often uses passive aggressive techniques to get his way, particularly around schedules (trigger 8: manipulation). And I also feel compelled to manage impacts on the kids, whether it’s feedback from them about negatives in their relationship or other things that could adversely impact their sense of well-being (trigger 9: harm).
So bringing it full circle, I am changing my life and my changes are authentic and strong. But it’s hard to feel healing taking place because of all the triggers happening all the time. Part of me knows it’s a loop I can move out of but part of me despairs that it’s not going to change. I wish I could go no contact with him but it wouldn’t be in the best interests of the kids. And all of those things make accepting and forgiving seem very distant in some moments and just around the corner in others.
This is an amazing list and an amazing amount of self awareness. I know it seems a bit overwhelming but these triggers can help you heal. They are showing you how to be more true to who you are. Change how you respond to him and watch the entire pattern fall apart. I can tell you are ready to do just that.
Wow this how I feel a lot! But without the kids still at home! Married 52 years & separated 16 months now!
it’s hard, but have less drama in my life. He really is a Narcissist & believes he never does anything wrong! Seventeen when I got married and have forgiven him so many times because I loved him & thought he would change! He’s 72 years old & I cried 6 years to my therapist thinking I was doing something wrong! Until he started calling me a f__ing b___ch
And why don’t I go stay with my sister! Well I said why don’t you go in the 5th wheel and stay gone! He did & that’s been the best for me. But like you I have tip wires when he calls, so unless in emergency, JUST TEXT! But he will still call & I’m going to let it go to voicemail! 70 is so hard to start over, but I’m going places & seeing grandkids ❤️
Thank you Susie. It is never too late to start over. You deserve to live life with those who appreciate you.
Beautifully said and well done on the work you are doing. Thank you for paving the way for the rest of us. I get stuck feeling “allowed” to call people the “a-word”. I always hear these thoughts, “well you know they aren’t that bad,” some thing my mom used to say about her husband after he’d been irrational and abusive. Can get confusing. More work ahead for me. 🙂
Yes! Those excuses for abusers can get lodged in there with our defenders. It takes a while to move them out.
I have only just started to follow you Elizabeth and find it very difficult to come to terms with the A word and F word. Perhaps this is because I am a male currently in a very toxic relationship. I had a break down 10 years ago and I am unable to forgive my abusers.I am constantly hypervigilant to everything around me.Almost like I am about to do the wrong thing again,and when something has gone wrong I am desperate to find out what I did which was so awful. Is this just part of the on going emotional neglect/abuse which I need some kind of clarity from. Forgiveness is nowhere near.
Forgiveness doesn’t have to be near. We have to start with building our self compassion first. If our first step is self-blame when things go wrong, we can’t step out of the hyper-vigilance and really live life. And that matters so much more than forgiveness. Or maybe they are the same thing.