Consent: It’s Not What You Think
Have you ever noticed how life comes at you in themes? The universe seems to be sending a message and it can be a nag. It knows you have something to learn, something to integrate or something you need to say. This week, I am having that experience with consent. It seems that I have some learning and some teaching to do.
Consent is a loaded word in our society. It is almost always associated with sex and rape, and there is much more focus on men getting consent from women. But in reality, it isn’t about sex. At least, it isn’t just about sex. It is about many other things. And if we practice consent all the time, getting consent for sex will be a part of our norm. And that’s what we want.
Consent is also not about men getting consent from women. And it is not a subject reserved for adults. All genders and ages need to learn about consent. There is nothing that should be imposed on another human being without their consent … ever.
As a parent, I always look for opportunities to discuss consent with my children. I know this foundation will help them when they are adults. But the words “consent” and “children” are not often used together unless we are discussing pedophilia. So how do I discuss consent with my children? Here are some examples of how I do that:
Never Bargain With Liars
Abuse-born Beliefs
My inner child holds many belief systems. Most of them are unhealthy. Of course, it’s not her fault. She came by them honestly. Every belief system came with strong evidence of it’s veracity, especially to a small child with black and white thinking. While many beliefs came from experiences, some were statements repeated by the adults over and over. And those are the most warped.
One of my least favorite (and hard to admit) beliefs came in this way. I have mentioned my mother’s need to “keep me safe” as her motivation for enabling my abuse, but she had other justifications as well. At some point during her own horrific life of abuse, she determined that it wasn’t that bad. She decided that if she could cope with the constant rape that she could have whatever she wanted while doing very little work. If she could put up with the men in our family and their desire to rape children, they would take care of her. She wouldn’t have to work. She wouldn’t have to put forth effort in life. Her parents, and eventually her husband, would be there as a safety net as long as she maintained the secret.
Don’t get me wrong, she didn’t make it up. She was taught this thinking. And it makes sense in my family. Everything comes with a price. Nothing was unconditional. If you get something, you give something, no matter what your age. She was raped repeatedly as a child and was rewarded with a lifetime of spending other people’s money. She has shopped every day of her adult life. And she has always felt justified. read more…
A Storm’s a Brewin’
Coming Back to Awareness
My kids have left the “mom is amazing” phase. They have made that clear. I thought it would last longer than 9 years, but it hasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, they love me and they tell me often, but they are unsure of my status as “woman who knows everything”.
So I was surprised today when they stood in awe of me like in the old days. It didn’t seem like a big deal. I told them a storm was coming. The sky was still blue, so they asked how I knew. I told them about the leaves on the trees. They flip over. In college, I ran an outdoor business so I looked at the trees all the time. The weather mattered. And I have always loved how nature seems to know things. Equally amazing is how the animals know to move to higher ground before a tsunami. Nature is plugged in and we are generally not.
In a way, it is that level of awareness to which humans journey throughout our days on this planet. We come here with awareness. We experience childhood and it burdens us with varying levels of dissociation. And then, we have to work our way back out of it. read more…
Hey Kids, Just Say No!
Where do bullies come from?
We have a bullying problem. I know I am not saying anything new. Most parents and teachers will tell you the same. And there are a million theories about what causes it. And there are a million theories about when it started. But there is one thing I have learned as a parent. Kids copy their environment. They copy their parents. So while it might be easier and less stressful to say that children learn to bully from the television or from each other, it starts much earlier than that. It starts in the home.
As a child and a victim of familial abuse, I had a tendency to be a victim to bullies. I had never been taught how to say “no”. Actually, I had been taught that I wasn’t allowed to use that word. I had no idea how to stand up for myself when people mistreated me because my parents certainly were not going to teach me how to do that. That would have worked against their plans. So I was an easy target. Even more convenient for the bully was my likelihood to dissociate. If the treatment was bad enough, I would forget it happened. I would treat the bully like they had never been mean.
But the problem with being a victim to bullies is that it teaches you a few things. And there are always those who are weaker, less popular and less powerful. Always. So in order to stay sane and feel as though I had some power in the world, I would bully too. I treated my younger sister poorly. Some would call it sibling rivalry, but I believe it was worse than that. I was pretty darned mean. And there were friends that I considered lesser than me and I would show them that. I never learned that real relationships were not about power. And I expressed that lack of learning openly. read more…
The Perfection In Being
The Mask of Perfection
When I was growing up, my parents wanted me to be perfect. They were very clear that I must exceed all standards. They wanted me to have perfect grades, perfect looks, perfect extracurricular activities. They pressured me to be the picture of everything society wanted from a human being.
This expectation created a storm inside me. I was sure I was none of those things. I had been abused long enough to know I had no real worth. I was sure I had nothing to offer the world. I was an imposter. I had no value to add to the human race. I was only here to be victimized. I was constantly playing tug of war with my external mask of perfection and my internal self-hatred. I could not handle failure. I could not handle rejection. It wasn’t that I didn’t see it coming. I knew it was inevitable because it was the truth. And it would blow my cover. read more…
And So The Past Goes
The Physical Side of Trauma
I often write about the holistic impact of trauma. When we go through abuse or trafficking in childhood, there is a dramatic effect on our entire being. I have discussed many aspects over the years including my beliefs, my emotional response to life and relationships, and my parenting. But I haven’t discussed one important part of trauma recovery. It is one of the most important parts, but for me, it has recovered organically as a result of the emotional and cognitive work I have done. Maybe that is why I haven’t discussed it. Or maybe it is because I see it as so private. Or maybe I don’t want to be that vulnerable.
But I think it is important to highlight how my physical body has handled the trauma, and more importantly, how it is doing today. I think that many people wonder about the toll of this kind of sexual and physical trauma on a small child. And other survivors wonder if they are the only ones experiencing the physical symptoms. So I will share my experiences because that discussion needs to happen. read more…
12 Signs I Am a Less Traumatized Parent
Sometimes I lose perspective. And that might be an understatement. I spend too much time comparing myself to others, and in the world of social media, big houses and perfectly groomed lawns, that takes its toll.
In an attempt to remember how far I have come, I decided to look at how much I have grown and changed as a parent in the past eight years. To do that, I looked at the little things, the daily occurrences that don’t seem like they matter, but speak volumes about my recovery work.
And honestly, I am pretty impressed with myself.
If you are a parent, do this little exercise so you can be impressed with yourself too.
I Am Not In Charge
The Battle for Control
During my recovery work, I have gone through several phases of perception about control. When I was a kid, it was obvious that I was not in charge. It was very clear. I wanted to be autonomous more than anything in the world. Even as a kid, I would have traded my life of abuse for a life on my own. But that wasn’t my story. So I was not in charge. And I knew it.
I tried to take control any way I could. I told people about my abuse. I fought back. I lied to my abusers and others who I viewed as dangerous. I tried to meet my abusers’ needs. And in the end, I dissociated, because nobody could hurt me when I was in my own world.
As I grew older, I came to know a different world. When my circle of influence shifted from family to external friends, intimate partners and eventually a spouse, I realized that once again, I was not in charge. I had moved from abuse in the home to abuse outside the home to abuse in the home again. My lack of knowledge in the most basic relational aspects of boundary setting and empathic communication led to an early adulthood of abuse and manipulation.
I tried to take control back from these bullies and abusers. I tried to be who people wanted me to be and lost myself in the process. I tried to meet the needs of others to no avail. And when all else failed, I expressed enough rage to push them away. read more…
Parenting and Triggers: Wounds of the Past
The amazing parenting expert, Janet Lansbury, has been a huge supporter of my blog and I am eternally grateful to her. Now I have been given the incredible opportunity to guest post on her site. Please take a look at my latest article at JanetLansbury.com.
Stop Saving & Start Loving
We all have that inner child part that is waiting to be rescued. It doesn’t require something awful to happen in our childhoods. At some point in our childhoods, we were not treated fairly and our needs were not met. This is natural. Children are born with needs that are hard for adults to meet. And so, deep inside, there is a part that waits for those needs to be met by others.
This insatiable and global desire for a hero to rescue us manifests everywhere. We see it in our movies and books about super heroes of all shapes and sizes. We see it in those co-dependent relationships which never seem to meet our expectations. And we see it in the anti-trafficking movement.
So many advocates want to experience a rescue. They want to save a victim from a life of hell. They want to experience the gratitude of the victim when they generously offer to make everything better. I think some advocates believe that maybe, just maybe, if they rescue someone else, they will save themselves. It is a projection that will never be fulfilled.
