Can’t Stop the Filters
The Inevitable Triggers
This week, I was triggered while doing this work. This isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. I always journal privately about my triggers. The writing is raw and emotional. It usually involves an inner part who is very unhappy. But this time, I also felt the need to write publicly about it. I wanted people to know triggers are a part of this work. It is the reality that comes with openly helping others.
I often refer to the “transformational relationship” as a source of healing. I first heard the term from my friend, Sandy Skelaney, in her TED talk. For those of us who want to help others, we take on a big responsibility. We need to interact with others in a new way for them. We have to show people who have experienced trauma that they can relate to others and the world in a more positive, vulnerable and trusting way.
Originally, I was naïve about that process. I was thinking I could just show others by example and they would get it. I thought that I could just love them until they got it. And while that may be part of it, I am learning that unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Everyone has a filter through which they view the world and others. And even the most seemingly trivial events or mishaps can bring up the triggers of the past. And there is nothing I can do to change that perception. That perception can only be changed by them. read more…
My Relentless Pursuit of Gratitude
Gratitude doesn’t come easy for survivors of trauma. We have to pursue it consciously, find evidence of the beauty around us, and change those parts of us that disagree. I recently wrote an exclusive article for SimpleReminders.com about this exact topic.
Spectator Sport
An Expression of Joy
I told a joke to my kids the other day. They were sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast, and I was making their school lunches. They take vitamins that are shaped like animals and they love to guess which animal the other child has. There are only four choices and it is spooky how often they are correct. My son has developed some decision-making logic that is incredibly accurate. But this morning, my daughter guessed wrong. And when my son said he had a lion, she looked at me to verify it. And I said, “He’s not lyin’. He has a lion. Get it. Lyin’. Lion.” They looked at me in shock. After the shock wore off, they started to genuinely laugh (and they are old enough to fake it).
But it was the shock that lingered with me. I knew where it came from. I don’t make a lot of jokes. I don’t “goof off” much. I don’t play much. I will dance with them sometimes. I will sing with them. I do love music. But I am not one to let loose and be silly. I think their shock came from the feeling that it was out of place. The kind of shock that left them wondering, “What did you do with our mother?”
Beneath the Surface
To be fair to myself, I come by it honestly. When I was growing up, there were many emotions that were discouraged. It was not safe to cry because it was too vulnerable. It was not safe to be angry because it would provoke the anger of the abusers. But positive emotions were forbidden too. While fake happiness was demanded to uphold the mask of familial perfection, real joy was not allowed. read more…
Change is Here
Generational Skills
When I was in my 20’s, people were always telling me I should be a lawyer. They told me I argued well. They told me I used logic well. In reality, I never listened to the other side. I was too busy formulating my response. And when things got heated or it appeared I might lose, I had no problem using manipulation and gaslighting to confuse everyone involved. If I wasn’t going to win the debate, nobody else was going to win. I was a master of all interpersonal tactics that we consider “not cool” by society’s standards. But I was so good at hiding them that very few caught on. If they did catch on, they were left by the wayside wondering what hit them.
I am not saying these things to be cruel to myself. I am saying these things to be honest about myself. I came by these abilities honestly. My mother was a master manipulator. My father was always in control. And in my childhood home, if you lost an argument, there was usually much more at stake than a ding to your pride. All abusive tactics were on the table in an argument, at least for the adults. So I learned to use any tactic available to appear infallible. Manipulation, passive aggression, gaslighting, explosive rage (if safe) and even running away until everyone else had left the house. There was very little peace. I was always walking on egg shells. So yes, it was inevitable that I would become good at the tactics.
I was even rewarded for my honed “skills”. Once my parents were divorced, and I was in my teenage years, the tables started to turn a bit. My mother still had mad skills in manipulation, but she had taught me well. And I could get her twisted up pretty quickly. Since she lied so much, I could sometimes get her to make two completely opposite statements in the same argument. In my house, it was my main form of entertainment. And it translated well to my early work years. In the corporate world, everyone loves a good power-hungry, controlling, overly-logical project manager. I was incredibly good at what I did and I was rewarded for it financially. read more…
Time to Say Goodbye
The Internal Family System
Since I discovered my inner child early in my recovery process, I have worked hard to establish a relationship with my inner parts. I have allowed them to be mean to me as they have worked through their anger and grief. I have allowed them to be heard. They have told me their stories, many times for the first time. I have always expressed how we were in this process together. I would never leave them. I would never abandon them. I would not don another mask to quiet them again.
I have written and spoke for many years about the need to treat our inner parts in age-appropriate ways, so they would have the opportunity to finally grow up and become a part of the whole. This could mean integration or it could just mean cooperation. It depends on your take. But one thing is for sure. They are no longer an outsider. I have often cautioned against labeling inner parts as inner critics because it leaves the impression that we can “throw them out”. I have always seen that view point as dangerous.
But I have always been open to new concepts and ideas around recovery. Honestly, my openness has been one of the greatest success factors in my recovery. So when I came to the realization this morning that there might be something else going on, I was confused and concerned. Let me explain. read more…
Going Places
I have discussions often about what makes someone take the plunge in to recovery. I have heard many opinions from those on the journey. And I have come up with a few theories.
1) Those who are carrying the most pain are more likely to start the journey because the pain cannot be tolerated on a daily basis.
2) Those who have more sensitive minds and bodies are more likely to take the plunge because they are more impacted by the pain of the trauma.
3) Those who are more likely to consider that which is unseen (in any form at all) are more likely to consider recovery.
That being said, the decision to move in the direction of recovery does seem to happen on a level that is not of the mind. It is a decision that involves anything but the mind. It seems as though a switch is flipped and the train leaves the station. And once that proverbial train has left the station, there is very little our ego selves can do to stop it. With much effort, we can slow it down, but the journey has begun and it cannot be stopped. read more…
Lucky One
The Process
When it comes to recovery, I am lucky. I am lucky because I get flashbacks along with my emotions. I know what you are thinking. That doesn’t sound very lucky. But flashbacks give me valuable information about why I am experiencing the emotions. It can keep me from drowning in them because I know where they are coming from. I can say to myself, “This emotion is about that flashback.” And I can calm my brain down (sometimes).
But there is an unlucky part. I often get the emotions first. Sometimes I get the emotions a day or two before the flashbacks, sometimes it is only minutes, but there is some period of time where I am not sure where the feeling came from. But even with this, I am lucky. You see, my memories come in themes. I get a wave of memories back at a time and they all relate to something I am processing. The great thing about that is the emotion and memories are similar. So after I make it through the first in a series (which is a bit of a mess), I know what I am in for.
This latest round of memories has been quite the journey. There were a bunch of people in my childhood who felt the need to tell me what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t succeed. My adult self recognizes all of these conversations as projections, but my child self is still trying to determine if they were right or wrong. With each memory she shows me, I am able to show her how they were lying, how they were to blame for their projection. And with each memory, she breathes a sigh of relief. She is one step closer to unburdening the weight of the past. read more…
The Future is Bright
Inner Battles
Planning for the future is hard for survivors. In many cases, we spent a childhood seriously questioning our ability to live to the next day, year or decade. The end always seemed to be right around the corner. In reality, it might not have been, but it felt like it. We may have even wished it was.
I am no different in this regard, although I was unaware of it for quite some time. While I have a part that doesn’t see a future, I also have a planner perfectionist part who always overrode anything else. She was in charge for all the big future-oriented events. She saved the money. She bought and decorated the houses. She planned the vacations. She made sure everything was in perfect order all the time. She pushed through the exhaustion, the flashbacks, the emotional swings and any hints of the truth. She was a direct replica of my mother in that she internalized all the survival mechanisms that were employed by my parents. The most important mechanism was the mask of perfection.
It wasn’t until I started to override her (which caused quite an internal war) that I began to notice the other parts. And one such part was holding all the futility, all the resistance to the future. For a while, I wished I could push that part back where she came from. Based on my willful default personality type, I wanted nothing to do with futility. But I knew that pushing this aspect of self back in to the shadows would do nothing but make it more prominent in my life. Of course, while working through the pain, it is certainly prominent, but I know it will be temporary. read more…
Suicidal Ideation: How to Avoid the Thought Trap
This week, I experienced a physical release in my body. I get these often as a part of my recovery. The emotions and memories have been stored in my body and I am releasing them as I recover. But the physical releases come with good and bad. I love the feeling of freedom that comes with the release. I have to expend much less energy maintaining that particular defended place. I have less muscle tension to keep me drained. However, with those releases come emotions. And they can be hard to handle.
I have also noticed that location matters. When I have a physical release in my knee, the impact can be more tolerable. I can handle the anger and sadness as long as I can keep it from impacting my family. But I knew I was in trouble with this one. The physical release happened just below my heart. I can’t think of a more potent spot than that. To make matters worse, I could feel the desperate attempt to shut it back down. I had to focus for hours to allow it to stay released. I knew I was in trouble.
After the release, I was inundated with hopelessness. It is the worst feeling of all the feelings. It is the feeling that brings the suicidal ideation. To stay present with that feeling is the most difficult thing I have ever done. To make matters worse, I have noticed I am not alone. While the feeling of isolation can contribute to suicidal ideation, I certainly don’t wish these feelings upon anyone. Yet I have been approached by many who are struggling with the same thing.
And while the hopelessness is terrible, it can be beaten. So I decided to write down my approach. What do I do to avoid being swallowed up by hopelessness, to keep from being tricked by the thoughts? I have six approaches that help me get through it. read more…
Beneath the Emptiness
The Emptiness
Over the past few days, I have been feeling an unusual emptiness. It isn’t sadness or depression. I am used to those feelings. It is as though a part of me has dropped away. But this part of me is not really me. I am still here. I have checked in with my parts. They are still here. But they are a bit quieter, a bit less distracted, a bit less focused on the past. And maybe that feels empty to me.
What do I do with all of that extra time, energy, focus that was spent on the past? I am assuming I should spend it in the present moment. I should spend it manifesting my dreams. I have read that is a good thing to do. But I think I am in this middle period where something has left but nothing has come. And honestly, it feels weird. It isn’t a bad weird. It is like the first time I felt joy and I started to cry because I didn’t understand it.
I am not crying though. I am just sitting here staring at the wall (or writing like now). I am trying to understand this new feeling and let myself feel empty. I am trying to visualize the positive things that could fill it up. If I am not inundated by the response to my traumatic past, by the feelings of anger, the need for revenge, the grief of the deep loss that was my childhood, what could fill that space? More joy? More love? More present moment experiences with my children? More of this amazing work I have started to manifest? More abundance? read more…
