Over the past few days, I have been feeling an unusual emptiness. It isn’t sadness or depression. I am used to those feelings. It is as though a part of me has dropped away. But this part of me is not really me. I am still here. I have checked in with my parts. They are still here. But they are a bit quieter, a bit less distracted, a bit less focused on the past. And maybe that feels empty to me.
What do I do with all of that extra time, energy, focus that was spent on the past? I am assuming I should spend it in the present moment. I should spend it manifesting my dreams. I have read that is a good thing to do. But I think I am in this middle period where something has left but nothing has come. And honestly, it feels weird. It isn’t a bad weird. It is like the first time I felt joy and I started to cry because I didn’t understand it.
I am not crying though. I am just sitting here staring at the wall (or writing like now). I am trying to understand this new feeling and let myself feel empty. I am trying to visualize the positive things that could fill it up. If I am not inundated by the response to my traumatic past, by the feelings of anger, the need for revenge, the grief of the deep loss that was my childhood, what could fill that space? More joy? More love? More present moment experiences with my children? More of this amazing work I have started to manifest? More abundance?
That seems possible, even likely. So much more seems possible today. All those times I thought I would not have the time, the money, the space, the energy to add something to my life seem almost silly. And no, this doesn’t mean adding a bunch of busy tasks to my life, tasks that add no joy or value. I have always been good at squeezing one more thing in. This is about adding the good.
Maybe before, I thought I could only have so much good. Maybe before, I thought I had too much bad to deal with. There was no room or energy for any of the good. But if there really is a fresh slate, a clear space, if there is vacated trauma, why not fill up that space with my deepest wishes for my own life?
I have to laugh a little in this moment. I used to hear people talk like this and think, “That is nice for them. They are the lucky ones. They have not experienced my life. They wouldn’t possibly talk like that if they had been through my trauma.” But in reality, I think it takes this type of experience to bring us to the place where we can let go of it. When the past feels like carrying a ton of bricks on our back all day long, we are much more willing to take the scary step of removing all that weight. If we are just carrying a small bag, we might not be willing to go through the fear.
I think it has always felt scary to me because I was afraid to lose myself. I was afraid I would no longer be me. Maybe in a way, I was afraid to be empty, to be undefined. But I didn’t want to be the trauma anymore, so I took the chance to lose myself. And while the emptiness is uncomfortable because it is new, I don’t feel like I am lost. I feel like I am waiting, waiting for what was meant to fill me up in the first place.
And don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a one-time experience. I have felt this before on a smaller scale. And I am sure I will feel it again on a larger scale. That is how recovery works. The spiral of healing goes deeper over time. But this experience has given me hope that I have not felt before. This emptiness seems to hold something far greater than I can understand. It is a place within me that can manifest what I could never create on my own. Although normally, I am terrified of what I do not understand or control, I am not terrified now. I am just empty.
So I will sit with the emptiness. And I look forward to what will come. I look forward to beauty, love, joy, presence and the life I was meant to live. As opposed to losing myself, a concept I have feared so much, I look forward to being me, my true self. I have learned that the true self is not something we have to become. The true self is there under all the trauma and the ego dysfunction that hides the trauma. So I would rather be empty and uncomfortable. I would rather give space to that true self to emerge just a little bit more.
And I welcome her.
I welcome her back from that dark place beneath the trauma.
I welcome her home.