The Essential Drives
Love, Peace and Purpose
This week, I achieved a huge milestone in my life. I have wanted to be an author since I published my first poem in a kid’s magazine at 8 years old. Monday, I released my first book. When I started this journey, I thought the hard part would be writing enough words for a book. I figured since I knew how to blog, I would just write more words. Right? That sounds logical. I hate when I try to be logical.
In reality, the past two years (yep, two years) have been an obstacle course of self-sabotage and defense mechanisms. In fact, writing the words was the easy part. Getting out of my way was a nightmare. I heard constant phrases like:
“Who do you think you are?”
“You’re not good enough.”
“Nobody’s going to like it.”
And for a while, I believed it. But I kept pushing anyway. I changed direction a few times. I wrote several outlines. More than once, I started writing concepts only to put them aside. It wasn’t the right topic, not yet, not now. But then, I had an epiphany. I woke up to a new understanding that our inner parts are driven by something greater than trauma. It came to me as I wrote a blog post and I knew this had to be the basis for the book. To back it up, a mentor emailed me after reading the post and said, “You should write that book now.” But even from this point, there was plenty of self sabotage to overcome.
A year later, I have completed something I previously believed to be impossible. And I’m proud and terrified at the same time. Today, I want to share with you an excerpt from that book in which I introduce the essential drives. read more…
I’m Better Than Them
I have learned one important thing about the recovery process. It is never boring. Just when I think I have pieced together my past, I will get a memory back leading me to question how I could possibly forget it. Just when I think I am entering a calm emotional state, a new emotion will come floating to the top and take me out of the present moment for a day or four. And just when I think there could not possibly be another inner part to explore, guess what happens.
This has been my experience this week. I have been in an integration period. I could feel myself processing out some of the old pain from my Karma Kid. I knew I was transitioning. And being the optimist I am, I was hopeful there wasn’t anything behind it. I’m just kidding. That’s not optimistic. That’s delusional. But it is a delusion I like to embrace on a regular basis because it keeps me going.
That delusion has ended as another part has revealed herself. As is true with all my parts, I was already aware of the belief system this part holds. As a matter of a fact, this was one of the very first beliefs I became aware of. I remember exactly where I was. It was eye-opening and disturbing at the same time. It is a defense mechanism that has never let me down. And it has never failed to produce the intended results. I affectionately refer to this defense mechanism as the “superiority complex”.
It is directly related to the inferiority complex. It is a direct internal response to the unworthiness that creates the feeling of being an outcast or an imposter. And it is used for one main purpose. It defends against pain by separating me from others. It doesn’t matter what the life experience is. It works. At the office, I am better than the others, so I don’t have to get too close. In relationship, I am better than my spouse, so I don’t have to rely on him or open up in any vulnerable way. In social circles, I am better than others because I have more important things to do than spend time hanging out with others. read more…
What If …
When it comes to trauma recovery, I often hear concerns from my clients about how change will manifest for them. Change is scary for survivors. During the traumatic years, change was never good for us. Needless to say, the idea of purposefully instilling inner change goes against all the defense mechanisms we have spent years building. But even for those who have come to embrace change through recovery, there are concerns.
“What if I change so much I don’t recognize myself?”
“What if I don’t change enough and I still recognize myself?”
“What if I change so much, my current friends and family walk away from me?”
“What if I get so comfortable being alone, I don’t care if they walk away?”
From personal experience, I can confirm all of these happen. I can also confirm they are not as bad as we think. Let me explain.
When I started this journey, I wanted to change myself. I hated who I was. I hated everything about me. Of course, I didn’t know that on a conscious level. But unconsciously, I wanted to be a different person. To be fair, this might have been part of the motivation for my inner parts to consider this journey. If I could be someone else, it might be a great thing. Since I started my recovery, I have been through massive change. I have had hundreds of changes in perspective and moments of clarity. I have changed substantially. Most of that change showed up in two ways. read more…
The Definition of Me
There are thousands of reasons our inner parts avoid this recovery work. It’s scary because the emotions feel impossible to survive. It’s scary because they are ashamed of their past and don’t want to be rejected yet again. It’s scary because they don’t want to get in more trouble from their abusers (or others who seem like their abusers). But there is the reason of all reasons. It may be the most existential of all the reasons.
“If I recover from my past, if I let go of all the ties to my abusers, all the contracts I thought they made with me, what is left? Who am I?”
If I am not defined by my past, how do I define myself? And where did the need to define myself come from in the first place? I wasn’t born with that need. When I was born, I just was. I just existed. I didn’t need labels or contracts with others. I didn’t need a tribe or a clan. In a way, I did. I was completely reliant on others to survive. But I never needed the label that came with it.
But in our society, we become so lost, we need labels. We need them to define who we are. And even more importantly, we need them to define who we aren’t. We separate ourselves from others with our labels of them and us, us and them. We make ourselves feel better with our labels. We can put ourselves in nice, neat categories that make life more bearable. read more…
What Matters Most
The Darkness
I traveled this past Sunday and Monday. As a single mother without extended family, traveling isn’t easy. I have to ask friends for help, or pay for overnight babysitters. Neither option is simple for me. But as an extrovert who loves interpersonal exchange and public speaking, traveling to conferences and giving presentations does give me that motivational shot in the arm for the days I don’t leave my house. This trip was preceded by several days of intense anxiety. I knew it wasn’t related to the trip. I was getting a memory back. I was getting some sense of it in my dreams and my mind activity. But I could not seem to overcome the anxiety and release the memory.
When I got to the destination airport on Sunday night and went looking for ground transportation, I was sidetracked by someone who had a particular interest in guiding me to a particular cab. My gut was saying to walk away from this guy, but I was tired, and he was already taking my suitcase and piling it into this cab. I was planning to find an Uber car, but this guy didn’t even give me a chance to ask. He was wearing an official airport shirt, but I guarantee he was making a commission from the cab company. Once I was in the cab, I knew I would spend more than I wanted. And being on a tight budget, I was not happy with the outcome. In the scheme of things, it was probably an additional $20, but the trigger overwhelmed my system. I had been ambushed.
And that was the word that set the tone for the rest of the night. This concept was directly related to the memory and it sent me to a very dark place. I knew cognitively this feeling was not about the taxi experience at the airport. I knew cognitively this feeling was an old response to a horrific ambush of much greater proportions. But I could not shake the darkness. I sat staring at my computer in my hotel room. I had not eaten, but I could not seem to do anything about it. I had work to do, but could not engage with my email or social media pages. I was paralyzed. I could not get present. I had no sleeping kid heads or dog bellies to rub (which always brings me back to the moment). It was just me in a strange hotel in a strange city, and I was spiraling down. read more…
Getting Out of My Way
Lately, I have been inundated with confusion. This is normally a sign that I am considering change. But I am not considering change in my conscious mind. I don’t understand it in my conscious mind. I am not in charge of it. It is something happening on an unconscious level. But in my conscious life, it wrecks havoc. I am completely unable to make a decision. I have no sense of my next direction. The only safe choice I can make is to wait. And I don’t wait well.
From what I have been able to figure out, there seems to be some debate about the concept of punishment versus ownership. This isn’t new. Since I discovered my Karma Kid inner part, this has been a common theme. But it seems there is a significant amount of inner debate at the moment.
What is the difference between taking ownership for past adult mistakes and assuming every bad occurrence is punishment for my past?
Is it possible to see bad things as “just a thing to be dealt with” instead of “the universe hating my guts”?
Can I let go of the self-blame for my childhood experiences, have compassion for my mistakes as an adult and still take ownership for those adult mistakes?
Can bad things happen without a temper tantrum? Can I allow them to happen without assuming the day, week, year is ruined? Can I allow them to happen without pointing to my clear failings as a human being? read more…
The Power Shift
Sometimes I give in to my inner child and check up on the old family members. Social media allows for such things, and I am not sure if that is good or bad. And the decision to check up on them (although very infrequently) comes with a ton of self-ridicule. “Why do you need to do that? They are scumbags and abusers. Who cares what they are doing?” And that is true, but it doesn’t help to tell myself that. It is natural and normal for me to wonder. It takes a long time to break the connection to people we grow up with. That said, there is never an inkling that I should get in touch with them. That longing is long gone.
But what I saw was an attempt to make me angry. I saw several blatant, expensive and planned scenarios that were arranged to upset me. My immediate reaction was, “of course they did that”. And I heard my inner parts begin to chatter. They were angry. They were agitated. They were frustrated. But I just went with it. I stayed aware and I let them chatter.
I wasn’t sure where it was going, but an hour later, I was hit with a moment of clarity. I was in the grocery store. I don’t know why my moments of clarity always come in grocery stores. I actually burst out laughing in aisle 5. In that moment, I figured out something so important.
In my recovery, I have been focused on letting go of the ties to my family, of their power over me. I have always considered them to have the power, while I was the victim attempting an escape my past. But it occurred to me those tables have turned. I am no longer the one who is caught up in the unhealthy connection to my family. They are caught up in me. They can’t handle my new power. They can’t handle my escape, my separation. And they are dwelling on it. They are literally living their lives to get me back for my “sins”. read more…
Waiting to Collapse
I love the Olympics. Other than the World Cup, it is the only sporting event I watch. I am fascinated by international sporting events. I think we should resolve all of our conflicts in this manner. Of course, we would have to even the playing field with some proper coaching and training for all.
But I digress. This morning, I saw a video in my Facebook newsfeed. As usual, Facebook always seems to know what I need to see. Or is that the universe? I’m not sure. But this video touched me in a deep way. While Gabriella’s perseverance and determination was admirable on so many levels, that isn’t what impacted me most. It was the support. I watched the Olympic officials off to the side as they followed her (later learning that one was a doctor watching her for signs of health risks). And I watched them waiting at the finish line. And I knew she would be okay.
Many of us on this recovery journey are exhausted. I often feel like Gabriella on the inside, even when I don’t look like it on the outside. Honestly, I probably do look like it on the outside. I am just fooling myself. But I have come to a realization lately. Similar to most of the emotions I feel, it isn’t that I feel this way. It is my inner parts who feel this way.
While our inner parts may feel like formidable opponents in our trauma recovery journey, in reality, they are overwhelmed. They are young. And they are always handling more difficult circumstances than their age allows. Yes. This is always true. Otherwise, they would make different choices. They are trying to control things they can’t control. They are trying to get love from people who can’t give it. And they are trying to make sense of the series of bad things they have encountered. In reality, they can’t make sense of those things. read more…
You Owe Me
When I was growing up, there were many phrases I didn’t want to hear.
“Wait until your father gets home.”
“Don’t make things up.”
“You made another mistake.”
In a normal family, these statements might be bad (and certainly not good parenting), but not necessarily abusive (although maybe). But in my family, they meant trauma. Traumatic experiences were coming, and I had to brace myself, dissociate, run or hide. These statements brought up all my adrenaline-fueled reactions to a ridiculously bad childhood.
That said, there is a statement that beats them all. One phrase had both immediate traumatic implications and a huge long-term impact. And unfortunately, it was used often. That phrase was,
“You owe me.”
Of course, that doesn’t sound like something a parent should say to a child. But I didn’t live with real parents. My parents were quick to remind me of the things they did for me. They wanted to be acknowledged and revered for those few moments when they did something for me. They wanted my undying gratitude for their moments of helpfulness. But most importantly, they wanted to hold it over my head, so they could use it as an excuse for their future abusive behavior. read more…
Backing Up the Head with the Heart
As a trauma survivor, I have spent the majority of my life in my head. My body was not a safe place to reside. It held all the emotions and pain of my childhood. It held all the reminders of my past trauma. So I dissociated and stayed in my head. It was safe in my head. I could make up whatever I wanted in my head.
Honestly, it is the way many people live their lives. We live in a reality we have created in our heads because it is a safer reality. But the body is always reminding us of the truth we are ignoring. We can’t ignore the body. While we can dissociate, we can’t stop the damage to the body. The pain and illness will be there until we make the journey to the truth.
It helps to know this as I interact with survivors all over the world. Some don’t like what I have to say. Some think I am too quick to embrace the anger, rage and grief from the past. Some think I encourage people to live in the past and to not “move on”, even to remain a victim. Some think it is possible to recover while staying in the head. But unfortunately, they are listening to their inner defenders. I have heard phrases like:
“I have decided to forgive my abusers, so I am done with my recovery.”
“I have decided to be happy, so I don’t feel sad anymore.”
“I have decided not to live in the past anymore, so I am starting over.” read more…
