Lately, I have been inundated with confusion. This is normally a sign that I am considering change. But I am not considering change in my conscious mind. I don’t understand it in my conscious mind. I am not in charge of it. It is something happening on an unconscious level. But in my conscious life, it wrecks havoc. I am completely unable to make a decision. I have no sense of my next direction. The only safe choice I can make is to wait. And I don’t wait well.
From what I have been able to figure out, there seems to be some debate about the concept of punishment versus ownership. This isn’t new. Since I discovered my Karma Kid inner part, this has been a common theme. But it seems there is a significant amount of inner debate at the moment.
What is the difference between taking ownership for past adult mistakes and assuming every bad occurrence is punishment for my past?
Is it possible to see bad things as “just a thing to be dealt with” instead of “the universe hating my guts”?
Can I let go of the self-blame for my childhood experiences, have compassion for my mistakes as an adult and still take ownership for those adult mistakes?
Can bad things happen without a temper tantrum? Can I allow them to happen without assuming the day, week, year is ruined? Can I allow them to happen without pointing to my clear failings as a human being?
These questions are up for debate at the moment. And it is anything but quiet. As I am sure you know, I write from my inner parts often. But right now, it sounds like a busy cafeteria. Everyone is talking simultaneously and attempting to be louder than the other. They may even be banging pans. Those who don’t live in a parts world are probably assuming I need to check in to a mental health institute. But I have been here before and I know it doesn’t last forever. Thank God it doesn’t last forever.
In the meantime, I have to push through life. I have to get stuff done. I am a single mother who runs a business, and that means I can’t sit on a mountain top while my inner parts conclude their argument. Granted, I don’t think anyone can do that, except maybe the monks. I believe it is real life that provides the triggers and experiences which allow for the change to happen in the first place. Of course, a day off every once in a while would not be such a bad thing.
This confusion is obviously disorienting. One of my primary defense mechanisms is to make everything cognitive and logical. This was my best attempt to stay out of my body and keep it all in my head. If I can reduce everything in the world to a cognitive process, I will never have to access my body or face my past. While I am slowly moving out of that mode, I do like to keep it available just in case. But when I am confused, it is not available. I can’t base my decisions on cold hard facts because none of them make any sense. Nothing is black and white anymore.
So I have to take a new approach. I have to embrace acceptance on some level. I have to know that I will not have the answer right now. I won’t make sense of it yet. I have to give time to my inner parts to consider their new possibility, even if that possibility has been my adult understanding for a while. I have to let them work through it while I sit back and wait. I have learned that everything is temporary. And while that isn’t the most comfortable understanding in the good moments, it helps in moments like this. I know the clarity will come back. I know that new understandings will come my way. And I know that it will impact my life positively if I can get out of the way.
But I have to learn how to get out of my way.