Creating Change for Life
The Christmas season is coming to a close. While some of us might be very excited about that, there is another problem right behind it. We will now be inundated with messages about the changes we need to make in our lives. We get to hear about how we are not quite good enough. We will be told all the great things others are doing and how we can do those things too. It is officially resolution time. And I don’t like them. Believe me, I love change. I have devoted my life and career to breaking the cycle, changing my stars and living a better life than I was set up to live. And I am devoted to helping others do it too. But there’s a problem with resolutions.
Resolutions don’t make lasting change. And because they don’t, they can cause us more problems with making real change. They can distract us from the real change-making strategies. And honestly, that is part of the plan. The concept of focusing on behavior was created by the macro controller (a societal collaboration of many controllers trying to keep us from our deep emotional work). Resolutions are meant to be a distraction. Don’t get me wrong, there is place for behavioral goals. But it must be combined with emotional expression, building awareness of the unconscious and an understanding that rigid requirements of behavior will never EVER work.
Let’s talk about how resolutions get it wrong, so we can take a new, much more successful approach to inner change in the coming year.
You can’t control your behaviors with your mind. Contrary to popular opinion, the conscious (frontal lobe) mind has very little control over your actions. Oh sure. You can make plans. You can set intentions. You can follow through on your plans. You can post mantras all over your house. But if you are not in alignment with the goal, if there is too much resistance in your system, you will not succeed. Many times, you won’t even realize it until it is too late. You might just forget key steps. You might walk away from the tasks like you are possessed by some strange force. In the end, you will be scratching your head about what happened. But the answer to real change happens in the unconscious. This is where the resistance lives and it must be processed. That resistance might show up as emotions, flashbacks or external circumstances. But if we ignore it and try to plow through it, we will lose. We need to get curious about what lies beneath the constant stream of unmet goals. That resistance needs our attention. It needs a voice. Only then will we see the truth about our struggles.
Resolutions fuel our unworthiness with inevitable failure. Resolutions can get very rigid about what constitutes success and failure. We are never allowed to eat carbs ever again. We must exercise three times per week every single week. You get the idea. When our focus is on changing behaviors with no consideration for our resistance to the change, we aren’t likely to succeed. And when we fail, we will feel less worthy. A lack of worthiness and futility go hand in hand. So the next time we try to make change, we will have one more experience fueling the hopeless feeling that change isn’t possible. This makes it more difficult to motivate ourselves toward change. Instead of racking up failure after failure with rigid impossible goals, we can try a new approach. If we can re-frame a needed behavioral change as a journey through the inner obstacles, we can be more tolerant to the times when we miss the mark. As we process resistance to that ultimate behavioral destination, we will learn that some of our best resistance work will happen when we are not meeting the behavioral goal. And that understanding will change our ability to stick with it.
Our external situation isn’t actually the problem. Society and our family have taught us that our focus needs to remain outside of self. They taught us so well, we have lost self completely. When difficult emotions come up, we only know to “fix” our external life. We have lost any understanding that we have inner options. But external changes are a band-aid to our inner turmoil. And changing one defense will usually bring another defense forward. External changes that work will come as an organic shift resulting from inner changes. But we haven’t been taught that. And society does not encourage that thinking. So we run on a hamster wheel trying to make changes that can’t be sustained. And it fuels our futility until we give up. We must shift this way of thinking to make long term changes possible.
The Message in Emptiness
This morning I was listening to a song and I couldn’t help but think about the emptiness it represented. I think about emptiness often. Or maybe I just feel empty often. Or maybe I just notice that everyone in the world seems to be battling emptiness often. I’m not sure which it is. Let’s face it. Emptiness is everywhere. And while some forms of emptiness are necessary in our healing, the majority of emptiness is coming from our disconnection with our purpose, with who we were meant to be. We are empty because we aren’t listening to ourselves and what we want.
I see emptiness in the loneliness. So many of us are searching high and low for that one person who will finally make us feel fulfilled. There are songs about it. There are books about it. It promises to be the panacea to our emptiness. We will finally fill that big gaping hole with the perfect person. This loneliness comes from the love seeker who is pinning all their hopes on figuring out relational success. They will give their power away again and again because they have that little bit of hope in another person doing the right thing. My client, Jan Kozlowski, said this morning, “That little flicker of hope is a BASTARD.”
I see emptiness in the surface conversations. I am sitting in a restaurant by myself typing this blog. There are people around me who might feel sorry for me because I am alone. They might feel sorrier for me because I am typing on this computer. Occasionally I hear a comment or question from a conversation nearby. “How’s your job?” “What have you been up to lately?” “How’s the wife?” There’s lots of discussions about houses and cars and partners and working too much. It sounds good, but there is an emptiness. It seems like they have so much more to say, but don’t know how to say it. There is an emptiness in their words. (But then there are the four experienced women in the corner who won’t stop laughing. I sort of want to be them.)
I see emptiness in the rush. It’s the holidays and we know what that means. We must run until we drop. We must build our perfect external world, so it compares to others. We have lost ourselves, so we follow the lead of others. And it isn’t specific to the holidays. It exists all year long. We run. We rush. We buy all the things. We sign our children up for all the activities. We try not to miss any of the events. We exhaust ourselves. But it keeps the emptiness at bay, so we keep going. We don’t want to feel that lack of fulfillment or purpose. And we will do almost anything to avoid it.
I see emptiness in the paralysis. There is emptiness in the futility. Or maybe the emptiness creates the futility. I am not sure. But they exist together. The emptiness says there should be more. And the futility says don’t bother to try and find it. The paralysis of that battle keeps us stuck. That stuck translates to a stuck life. And it feels awful. It is hard to get past this battle, so we stay with what we know. We stay with the momentum. And that word is misleading. This momentum is stuck.
I see emptiness in growing old. There is so much focus on time and age. And for those of us who have experienced more years of life than others, we might be disappointed. We might be feeling like we had bigger plans. We might be feeling like time is running out to find that purpose. We might even be hearing that little (or very loud) voice saying, “It’s too late.” There is emptiness that comes with that. There is futility that comes with that. But it’s never too late. And realizing that can save us from our emptiness.
This blog isn’t meant to be a downer. But it is meant to be real. In the end, the emptiness isn’t the bad part. The emptiness is the reminder of how we need to come back to self and purpose. The emptiness is the reminder that life doesn’t have to be about survival or just making it to the end. The emptiness is here to help. So maybe we need to make some peace with the emptiness. Maybe we need to take some time to get to know it and understand it, even friend it. That’s not easy. I think I need that advice as much as you do. But maybe we need to listen for the message behind the emptiness. I promise it’s there.
Everything is Temporary
I have been experiencing some intense inner battles recently. It hasn’t been easy. There have been some intense fears followed by bouts of futility followed by self-punishment. And that can happen in the course of one day. My inner parts are jockeying for position in this new inner world I am creating. My freedom fighters are expressing the futility they need to become the authentic awesomeness they are meant to be. My karma kid is unraveling some very intense fears about breaking contracts with people who no longer matter (but definitely used to matter). And then there is my controller. They hate all of this. They hate it so much. They are terrified of all my efforts to heal my parts. And they have their reasons.
But most of their reasons are outdated. They come from a childhood of trauma. And while they can be translated to the world we live in today (and usually are), they aren’t the same. They don’t need to come with the same intensity. Attaching survival skills to our jobs, our relationships and even our hobbies is a mechanism we no longer need. Hyper-vigilance doesn’t serve us the way it did. We aren’t going to gain enough benefit to make up for the years it is shaving off our lives. I am sure there are many controllers yelling at me right now, but hear me out. The survival skills must go if we want to live.
In order to stop this, we must uncover the beliefs driving us into survival. What is the controller trying to accomplish by pushing all our emotions down and keeping us focused on over-functioning? What are the reasons behind it? While there are many, I want to discuss one in particular today. The controller has an interesting understanding of time. While they are hyper-focused on it, they also don’t take into account how things change over time. They believe that our current state will be our permanent state. So they fight every moment to make sure it is “good”. What do I mean by good? Surface good. Where we are now is where we will always be. That is how it works for them.
As a matter of a fact, when I finally understood that my emotional state (and everything else) was temporary, it changed my recovery and my life. When the futility hit, I was able to hold a small understanding that it wouldn’t last forever. My controller believed that if futility expressed, it would take over and I would never be productive as long as I lived. When I was angry, I knew it would pass if I allowed myself to sit with it and express it. My controller believed that the anger would take over my life and I would become a horrible person forever and ever. When I was feeling shame, I struggled to manifest anything that would move my life forward. But I knew it would not last forever. I knew I would be back on my feet soon. My controller saw it as homelessness waiting to happen, a permanent death sentence.
Only in understanding the reasons for my controller’s fears could I question them and allow myself to sit with the pain of my other parts. When I can recognize all emotional, mental, financial states are temporary, I can allow them. And when I allow them, they become even more temporary because they need acceptance to release. And the concept that everything is temporary brings more than an understanding. It also brings a feeling. It brings hope. Sure. There is fear of the unknown from the defenders. But if things can change, it means that things can change for the better. And if things can change for the better, we can find a way to build a better life. So take time to understand what your fears are saying. And ask yourself if those fears make sense. Explore your life and if your fears still apply. Write from your controller but consider how your life doesn’t support what they say. If you have the courage to ask about it, you can change your life in ways you never considered. Everything is temporary. So let’s work to make change as powerful as possible.
Let’s Talk about Sex … ual Abuse
In my role as a life coach, I have a lot of difficult conversations. But I absolutely love my role of helping others overcome their trauma. My favorite part is breaking down the walls of shame by talking about what hasn’t been talked about. There is one conversation that always rises to the top as the most shame-busting topic. That conversation is the one about sex. It starts as a discussion about sexual abuse and the victimization they experienced. But very quickly, it turns to the present moment. It turns to their perceived sexual dysfunction. But there’s a reason for that. There is so much shame around our sexual survival mechanisms. And it feeds our unworthiness. So we often cannot talk about our victimization until we determine we aren’t a part of the problem.
The survival mechanisms that come from sexual abuse are not by accident. They are meant to perpetuate shame. Pedophiles and sex abusers know exactly how to keep their victims quiet. Make them think there is something wrong with them. Make them think it is their fault. But in reality, we are responding normally to your abuse. We are not crazy. We are not born this way. We are not “just like our abusers”. They are directly linked to our experiences of abuse.
It became obvious to me this week that I needed to write about this. I have been assured by many of my clients that had they known this happens to all of us, they would have discussed this sooner. And if there is one thing I absolutely know about shame, it cannot survive in the light. What does that mean? When we share with someone who says “me too”, the shame moves out. It can’t stay. So this blog post is meant to get people sharing. This post is a shame buster. Here are some of the most common sexual survival mechanisms we don’t talk about.
We Don’t Want Sex. After being forced for many years, it might not come as a surprise that we don’t want it. But it can be a problem in moving forward with our lives. Even when we deeply love another person, apathy toward sex can keep us from the connection we want. To our partners, it can be a major source of frustration. So we may be shamed for not wanting sex. Partners can turn a lack of sex into a discussion about what is wrong with us. And after years of feeling unworthy, this doesn’t help us find healing. When we can accept how sex can be re-traumatizing, it can help us let go of that shame.
Sexual Arousal During Recovery. Sexual arousal does not mean you are consenting to sex. I repeat. Sexual arousal does not mean consent. I know this is not what you were told. Your abusers needed you to believe that you “liked it”, so they used your arousal against you. In reality, your arousal was a way to keep your body safe during sex. A lack of arousal can cause additional pain and damage and your body knows that. It was not betraying you. It was protecting you. So when you are retrieving memories (or in a flashback) of sexual abuse, you may become aroused. This is a flashback. And this does not mean you wanted this abuse. It does not mean you want it now. Accepting this will be so helpful in your healing.
Being Turned on by Force, Rape or Control. Sexual abuse messes with a child’s brain. It makes a child equate sex and force. That child becomes wired to respond sexually to power differentials in all forms. A child might play this out through excessive masturbation or with other children in an attempt to make sense of their experiences. This can lead an adult survivor to an interest in BDSM. It can also create an aroused response to violence on television or in real life. But one of the most common stories I hear from survivors is a need to fantasize about forced scenarios in order to orgasm. This is completely normal. Sexual abuse wires us this way. We never experienced sex with love. We experienced sex with force. And it is completely normal.
Repeating Fetishes from our Abusers. If someone is willing to resort to pedophilia to deal with the pain of their trauma, they are probably willing to do many things. And the fetishes of abusers can pile even more shame onto their victims. They can make abuse victims think there is even more wrong with them to attract such ridiculous behaviors. But fetishes are formed from trauma. They are passed down from abuser to victim. And if you have an urge to repeat a fetish, you have an inner part who has taken that on as a survival mechanism (more than likely, a freedom fighter). With acceptance and expression, this part’s urges will dissipate. But acceptance can’t happen with the shame-response still in place.
Body Memories. The idea of body memories may not be particularly shameful at first glance. Body memories are a normal and natural part of trauma recovery. It could be something like feeling pressure on the upper arm because we were grabbed as a child. It could be an emotion which needs expression. But body memories about sexual abuse are extremely common. You could be working at your desk and suddenly have the full-body sensation you are being raped. This is an inner part sharing with you. They have a memory and they need your help processing it. And yes. This is a frequent and normal part of sexual abuse recovery. There is nothing wrong with you.
You may be feeling some relief after reading this. If you have repressed memories, you might be feeling panicked because I just made sense of your experiences. But no matter what, you probably want to know if there is hope. If all this is wired, can we change it? We absolutely can change it. But it won’t change until we help our inner parts express their emotions and memories. And that will come with acceptance and understanding of what happened to us and how it impacted us. So let’s bust through this shame and see our survival strategies for what they are. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with us. There is no shame in surviving.
Making Peace with the Holidays
The holidays are here. And while everyday life is triggering after trauma, the holidays take those triggers to another level. We are inundated with the imagery of a perfect family. Even though we may grasp the idea that no family really lives up to the image in the media, we also know that our family dysfunction went above and beyond the norm. We would give anything to have the annoying uncle or the overly competitive sister as the worst of our problems. But that’s not what is happening for us. Whether we choose to continue navigating the family dynamics, limit contact or cut off contact completely, we will be spending the holidays without real family – literally or figuratively. For many of us, we will be alone. And while we have tried hard to count the blessings we do have, we know there is something missing.
But what can we do about it? How can we change the holidays into a time of inner peace? Many of us spend our time trying to create better external circumstances. But our holiday situation is not going to meet society’s standards. There is hope though. We can find a way to make the holidays pleasant and peaceful even if those around us don’t support that plan. Here are some suggestions for bringing new peace to your holiday season.
Conquer the guilt. Whether or not you are in contact with family, you will deal with guilt if you do things your way. The guilt will either come from external people or it will come from the internalization of the guilt trips you have received since birth. Either way, you must address that guilt in a new way. Most importantly, you must NOT do what it says. But you can’t ignore it either. It will just get louder and louder. If it is coming from others, let them know the guilt isn’t going to work. Respond from an empowered place, call it out and let the other person know you will not be swayed by it. If it is coming from within, bring awareness to it by writing from it. Let those parts of self express. The more you do this, the more you can let the guilt go and make the right decisions for you.
Address the fear. When you guilt yourself to do things for others, there is almost always an underlying fear driving that guilt. Those fears will keep you focused on avoiding rejection and abandonment. You will be driven by the need to be “normal”, to fit in with others and to have approval from society. While these beliefs were critical to surviving childhood, they are not helpful now. They will hold you back from the peace you desire. Get to know the fears and let them express in writing too. As you release these fears, you will be able to avoid the societal trap that keeps you focused on the wrong priorities.
Set boundaries. Nobody gets to create your holiday experience for you. Only you get to do that. You don’t have to say yes to any request. I understand you might have children and traditions you have set around your immediate family. But you get to say no to whatever isn’t working for you anymore. I have dropped traditions that were taking too much of my time and energy at home to a surprisingly calm reaction from my children. And when it comes to extended family, you don’t have to do anything they request. You get to say no if it is adding stress. Family gatherings? No. Christmas cards? Nope. Baking? That’s what bakeries are for. If it adds stress, throw it out. And when you feel the guilt and fear start in, refer to the previous steps.
Get to know and accept yourself. There is nothing like the holidays to get to know who you are and what you want. This isn’t just about self-care (but that matters). It is about understanding what you want and focusing on your needs. But it also means exploring those parts of self that have been rejected, first by others and then by yourself. The more you can know who you are, the more you can create a holiday experience that fulfills you. When the requests start to flow in, don’t answer right away. Take the time to check in with yourself first. Check in with how your body and psyche are reacting to the request. Write from the reaction. Make your decisions based on what you want and not others. Build a relationship with yourself this holiday season. Give yourself that gift.
The Purpose of Obstacles
I have been sick the past few days. I shouldn’t complain. It has been years since I have been sick. I used to get sick every three months before I started this recovery work. As a matter of a fact, when I became a single mother, my greatest fear was handling my children alone while sick. But what I have come to understand is most married mothers are handling their children alone while sick. So in general, motherhood while sick is going to be extremely difficult. But my children are older now. And I can rest more now. There are certainly downsides to having tweens, but rest time is available. But there is a holiday in America tomorrow. If there is one thing I have learned, holidays were not created to give rest to mothers. In my opinion, Thanksgiving is the least restful holiday.
My inner system has something to say right now. I can tell I am opening up in new ways to my authenticity. This process is scaring the hell out of my defenders. And they are fighting back. Hence the illness. Yes. Our parts and their emotional blocks make us sick. That is one of the earliest recovery lessons I learned. I also learned that processing these blocks can make us feel better. But it’s not easy to do. When we are tired and sick, we really don’t want to use any energy for emotional expression. But I have been processing these blocks anyway. One of the reasons I am successful at teaching this work is that I am doing this work. That is some of the best motivation there is. I know that whatever I learn, I can bring to my clients.
What I am learning from my karma kid is not necessarily new, but it is a new level. I am continuously amazed at how our lives were orchestrated to build obstacles in the way of our most authentic lives. I do not see this as an evil or malicious attempt to annihilate our most authentic selves (although if you do, I understand that sentiment). I have come to see this as our journey. I now see a purposeful life as a journey through the obstacles created by our past so we can be who we are. Unlike the linear understanding that we must complete recovery before we live a purposeful life (a controller view), I have come to understand that this work is a part of purpose, a part of life. We are here to move toward authenticity. It truly is our life’s work.
But how? It seems like the cards are stacked against us. And they are. But when we get how this works and can bring awareness to those obstacles, we can get the upper hand on them. What do they look like? Here are some ways I have seen this play out in my own life.
Obstacles show up as guilt and shame. Oppression comes in many forms, but when people in communities and families have become convinced they cannot achieve their own dreams, they aren’t going to be supportive of ours. They have learned that following dreams is a selfish endeavor. They have shut down their own hope for an authentic life. So they will naturally project that on to us. And this will start at a young age. To be authentic, we must be willing to question all the guilt-ridden messages from others about how life is supposed to work. Start by asking yourself if it is really selfish to do what you love.
Obstacles manifest as apparent external problems. When we grow up listening to scarcity-based beliefs, our brains are wired to see external problems as impassible. But external problems are there to be questioned. If you cannot find the support from others to follow your dreams, ask yourself if you need it. If you don’t have the time to manifest your greatest vision, ask yourself if you can manifest the first step. If you don’t have the money to go “all in” right now, ask yourself what you can get done with the money you have now (even if it is nothing). These external problems stop you because the defenders want to be stopped. Start by asking yourself if it is really an obstacle.
Obstacles live in the unconscious. One of the biggest obstacles to our purpose is that we don’t remember what is stopping us. We were taught to see the world a certain way and it lives in our unconscious. It rules our lives. One of the most important steps we can take in our purpose is to look for where we are stuck. If we are not moving in a certain area of our lives, there are unconscious beliefs stopping us. Start by asking how you believe you cannot achieve your purpose. Try writing from the answer.
Obstacles can appear magical. When it comes to karma kid, it is important to consider how our beliefs might be magical in nature. It is one thing to defy the majority of the human population who believes purpose is selfish and unattainable. It is an entirely different scale to believe the universe is against your plans too. Start by asking how you might believe you are up against a powerful magical force. Bringing this understanding to light can have a major impact on moving forward.
If we can see obstacles for what they are and take the time to understand why they are there, we can methodically move them out. If we learn to question our beliefs and bring awareness to the unconscious, we can build the ability to move past these blocks and manifest our most authentic life. It is a long journey. It is a life-long journey. But as we move through these obstacles, we will see life open up to us in ways we never imagined. The next time an obstacle makes itself known, take the time to question it. You will find it was meant to be overcome.
Don’t Forget the Emotions
As parents, we teach our children many things. We teach them math, science, reading and writing. We teach them to wash their hands and flush the toilet (every damn day). We teach them to be respectful, to say please and thank you. And in this day and age, we teach them about the environment and how to stay safe at school. But we forget the most important thing. And if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know what I am going to say. We don’t teach them what to do with their emotions. We don’t teach them why they have emotions. And we don’t teach them what it means for them when other children (and adults) judge or play with their emotions. We don’t teach them emotional intelligence.
My own son can be explosive at moments. He struggles with his own fear which he has come by honestly. His life hasn’t been easy for a little guy. I am proud to say it hasn’t been like mine. I ended the generational abuse and trafficking. I am proud of that. But it came at a cost. When I got strong, everyone left. And if they didn’t leave, I had to kick them out. So as a very young child, his father and most of my extended family disappeared from his life. He spent his young life desperately trying to hold on to anyone who came around. And some of them left too but not for the same reasons (we had Au Pairs who stay for a year or two). And no matter how many times he begged me for a new father (gut-wrenching for me), I knew better than to bring in a new man with all that trauma in my system. I decided that no father was better than an abuser … at least for a while.
But this mass abandonment has taken its toll. And when you add in my own emotional regulation issues in the early days, it is no wonder my son can be a bit explosive. But with that comes problems. Children read energy. That can be good and bad because some children are looking for a way to feel powerful. This is especially true for children who are being cut down at home. So when they find a kid who can’t always hold it together, they provoke. This is incredibly frustrating in a classroom setting because the kid who provokes always flies under the radar. But the kid who explodes is the problem child.
By the way, if this is sounding familiar, it is a common tactic used in adult relationships too. If one person wants to prove the other person is the problem, they will find the triggers and poke at them until the explosion comes. Then they get to tell the other person that all the relationship problems are a result of their lack of emotional stability. The provoked becomes the abuser while the provoker is the victim. I see it all the time. It is patterns like this that require emotional intelligence to overcome. This is why I have spent the past three years teaching my son about the concept of “gray rocking”. If you haven’t heard of it, that may be purposeful. No abuser wants people to know about it. So here is a short explanation.
When you are interacting with someone who gives you the indication they want to control your emotions, don’t show any. Don’t show any reaction at all. Don’t give them any information at all. Is this easy? Absolutely not. The love seeker will want to impress them. And the mean kid will want to tear their head off. But this is the number one boundary you need to set with them. I have been teaching my son this concept for the past few years. And he is good at doing it when he knows what is happening, but sometimes misses the cues until it is too late. That is what almost happened the other night.
My children are participating in Cotillion. I thought that sounded like the worst thing ever until we went there. I absolutely love watching my kids learn to dance. I sit in the balcony and thoroughly enjoy myself for an hour. It helps that I am in love with ballroom dancing too. But most parents seem to have as much fun as the kids. And yes. The kids have fun (even with the eye rolls). But before the Halloween dance started, I witnessed something that unnerved me. My son was wearing a costume that nobody his age recognized. It was an Anime cosplay costume. He knew it was a risky choice, but it was what he wanted. The costume had an element that looked like a fidget spinner. One boy pointed out the resemblance and my son got upset saying loudly, “It’s not a fidget spinner.” He was worked up. And the boy knew it. I watched as he started telling all his friends to tell my son the same thing. I watched him plot while I sat there wanting to punch him in the face. And I watched my son getting more worked up with each interaction. I could hear an inner voice saying, “Don’t hover. Don’t hover. Don’t hover.” But my feet carried me down the steps anyway.
I called to him in a very nonchalant way. I just said I needed to tell him something. And he’s still young enough to acknowledge my existence in front of others. I didn’t lecture. I didn’t turn into one of those annoying moms. I just said I saw what happened and those boys were plotting. It was all on purpose. I made it sound like I was his spy giving him valuable information. I said it was time for the “gray rock”. He understood. The next boy got no response but a shrug of the shoulders. And it was over. Just like that, the “Lord of the Flies” episode ended. The boys when back to their hormonal imbalances and my son was in the clear. And I realized in that moment that I was proud of myself for two things. First, I didn’t punch that kid in the face. Second, I didn’t hover. I took advantage of a teachable moment. I taught emotional intelligence. We can’t fix the world for our children, but we can help our children emotionally cope with it. If we do, the world will start to shift. If we don’t, we didn’t do our job.
Let’s Get Real
Today is blog day. And I am going to be real. I don’t feel like writing a blog. It happens sometimes. But I try not to show it. There are days in all our lives when doing things is a struggle. And that goes for helpers, therapists and life coaches too. Let’s face it. If we all waited until we were perfect to help others, we would never start. I get that you see the social media persona, the live stream video person, the consistent blogger who never seems to miss a beat. But that’s not always who I am. Sometimes I feel like it is all too much. Sometimes I feel like it is not making a difference. Sometimes I feel like I am running and running and running, but not getting anywhere.
Deep down inside, I know those are the lies that futility brings. And I am lucky these days. I don’t have to work as hard to see the truth. My life is not perfect, but it was created by me. And that makes it much better than it was. The “help” I used to have wasn’t real help. The money I made came from a job I hated. The things I bought gave me no joy. But they looked good on the outside. Maybe to external unaware people, my old life looked better than the life I have now. But that’s not true. And I know it.
But I have tired parts. My controller still runs them ragged sometimes. And there are those moments when I get blindsided by a problem I didn’t see coming. This is my biggest trigger. My controller’s hypervigilance has failed and the resulting futility can send me into a spiral. That’s what happened Monday. My kids’ first grading period ended on Friday and I was beside myself with the amazing job they had done. This was their first grading experience in their first public school. And I promised them we would be a team through this transition. And we were. I’m not going to lie. I managed things closely. I am a recovering hoverer. But I didn’t do the work for them. I just reminded them of the work that needed to be done. I handled the logistics. (Why the hell do we think 11-year-olds can handle those logistics?) And they showed just how smart they really are.
They are pretty damn smart too. On Friday, my son had straight A’s with one B+. This is remarkable considering he went to this school testing several grades back in spelling and sight reading. I was told by others (not the school) that he would need an IEP. It was suggested he be held back a year. I ignored it all. I knew better. I knew my son. And he stepped up to the challenge. I know how smart he is. He had tests he “forgot” to mention to me (so he didn’t have to study at home) but he got A’s on them. No amount of hovering is going to give him that ability. And my daughter stepped up too. She runs high on the anxiety scale and I worried about how she would handle the tests. The first few tests were disastrous. I was concerned. But then she figured it out and finished with A’s and B’s.
I saw it as a miracle. I expected a disaster and the disaster didn’t happen. Whew! I dodged a bullet there. Lucky me. And then Monday happened. Large in-class project grades were suddenly posted. And two grades plummeted (one each). I freaked out. What the hell? How are these just showing up? They were worth more than 30% of their grades. A’s suddenly became B’s. In one case, it was justified and we were given the day to fix it. My daughter was overwhelmed with the formatting in a Google doc and chose not to do it. Not a good decision on her part, but haven’t we all been there? But my son’s situation was brutal. He forgot to put labels on a PowerPoint and got a C. Labels took his A+ to a B+. What? How does this teach our kids about the real world? It doesn’t. It just gives them anxiety. And with one other logistical issue in another class (his fault), his grades changed to 3 A’s and 3 B+’s. Blindsided.
And I melted down. You might be thinking, “Get a grip. Big deal. What the hell is your problem?” Believe me, I have thought it all. But the time I put in to this transition was monumental. In many ways, my business suffered from lack of attention. My mental health definitely suffered. My sleep suffered. And let’s face it, it was stressful for the kids to make this shift. Their anxiety was higher than normal. But the three of us had done it! We had made this transition and survived it with flying colors. We proved so many people wrong. And that hasn’t changed. But the message changed. What is the message now?
“Just when you think you have everything under control, the universe will pull the rug out from under you.”
“You let your guard down for one weekend and all hell broke loose.”
“You can never really achieve what you want. Something will always get in the way.”
Are these thoughts and their emotions truly justified in this situation? No. Are they flashbacks? Yes. Does that matter right now? Not that much. The futility is here. The futility is real in my body. And I will need to sit with it in this moment. I will need to express it in writing (and believe me, I have). And in the very near future, I will understand that my son’s grades are still awesome. I will remember how far he came in 9 weeks. I will be able to give myself credit for managing this transition as a single mother with NO help. I will even come to a place of knowing this doesn’t even matter. But not right now. My controller is pissed. My other parts are futile. And I will accept their response until it passes.
But I will write this blog post.
How We Sabotage Financial Success
Contrary to popular opinion, it isn’t obvious when someone has experienced complex trauma. This is both good and bad. It means those of us with traumatic backgrounds can go on to get degrees, good jobs and live somewhat decent external lives. All that high functioning means we can establish some level of safety without which we cannot experience deeper healing. But the downside to the super heroism of the controller is that we can effectively lie to ourselves and others about our reality. We can hide our past in the corners of our systems and move through life as if nothing ever happened. Many of us don’t know we have trauma at all.
And while this may sound like a great idea (especially to our controllers), there are downsides to this approach. The trauma is still there. We haven’t eradicated it from our systems. That would be impossible. And no matter how hard we work to hide it, it will show up. In my humble opinion, there are four main ways it shows up no matter how strong our mask is. First, it shows up in our physical health. All that trauma in the body is going to wreak havoc on how we feel. And let’s face it, we are exhausted from all that running. Second, it shows up in our mental health. Anxiety, depression and other diagnoses will find us eventually. Third, it manifests in relationships. We struggle to find relationships that are fulfilling and often give up and isolate. And fourth, it shows up in our financial well-being.
Today I want to focus on the last one. The patterns that show up around money are always indicative of our traumatic experiences. And no matter what solutions you write down on paper (or lay out in a spreadsheet), the only real solution to your financial woes will happen with the healing of your traumatic memories and emotions. But how does that work? How does our trauma impact our finances exactly? Let’s look at what happens in our psyches after trauma to understand this better.
Money gets linked to abusive power. In abusive families and societies, the people with the money have the power. And that money gives them enough power to be abusive with no real repercussions. Victims are kept from financial empowerment in an attempt to control them. They have to tolerate abuse. It is the only way they can survive. And abusers can keep doing what they do. The financial structures in families and society have been set up to support abusers for generations. And it is incredibly challenging for victims to break through those structures.
Financial abuse gets internalized. After all those childhood years of being abused financially, we start to limit our own financial possibilities. This is largely internalized with the controller. We tell ourselves we don’t deserve nice things. We tell ourselves we must work hard and one day we will be able to relax. But that never happens. We may even limit our necessities because we feel unworthy. But we will spend money on others whenever we can. We will abuse ourselves with how we distribute our money, but we will label it as responsible and/or kind.
Rebellion against the control of money gets internalized. While we have internalized financial abuse, we have also internalized the rebellion against it. We can spend years saving money at the expense of our happiness only to blow the entire savings on something frivolous. We can dramatically swing between spending nothing and spending far too much. This leaves our financial state in constant chaos. But our freedom fighters are tired of being controlled and will rebel in these ways. And when they are constantly being denied, who can blame them?
Financial struggles become a requirement. Let’s face it. When we have lived in chaos for such a long time, it is hard to let it go. Chaos has been the distraction we need to avoid the pain underneath the surface. The hypervigilance that manages the chaos is considered necessary for survival. If we were to end the financial chaos and be comfortable, it would feel incredibly uncomfortable. It would feel like waiting for the other shoe to drop. So when things do get comfortable financially, we may still find our minds racing to find ways it isn’t or shouldn’t be.
The financial abuse persists. Financial abuse from our abusive families doesn’t stop when childhood ends. And this abuse reinforces the internalized financial battle. Let’s face it. Our abusive family might have preached to us about becoming independent, but they never had any real desire for that to happen. They need us to remain dependent on them so they can maintain control. So they offer us financial assistance and then guilt us about it. They point out our financial irresponsibility but then offer to save us. When we attempt to pull away, they use money to pull us back in. This keeps us confused and under their control.
So when you find yourself in financial chaos, it isn’t by accident. Honestly nothing is by accident. The trauma is finding its way through to the surface of your life in the most inconvenient ways. So take time to examine how you are bringing your trauma to life. This could be one of the most lucrative choices you make in your recovery journey. If you would like guidance to help you with uncovering your financially sabotage, come join us in November in Survivor’s Guide for Life. We will be discussing how to create financial success after trauma. This is a critical topic. Living your best life is not selfish. Living your best life is your birthright.
The Ultimate Threat
My controller has been confusing me lately. It isn’t unusual to be confused by the controller. They use that as a defense mechanism. They will spin you around and around to keep you from knowing the truth. But this was a bit different. My controller kept telling me I was going to miss them when they were gone. I really thought they were unsure about how this process works. In some ways, maybe they are. In my experience, parts are not sure if they will stay or go. They don’t understand they are a part of the entire system and must stay as long as the system stays. And as I work hard to bring in the influences and strengths of all parts, my controller has become more confused about their role. They have also become more threatened.
But this morning, as I was writing from the controller, I had an epiphany. They aren’t confused. They aren’t expressing their existential fear if the other parts step up to their natural roles. They were threatening me. For the past few months, I have been hearing the controller tell me how they were going away. And I have been there to reassure them they won’t go anywhere. But that wasn’t what they meant. Don’t I feel foolish. They were letting me know that if I don’t do it their way, they will be leaving. They will walk away. They will no longer help me with my life. They won’t organize. They won’t plan. They won’t keep things consistent and on time anymore. They won’t do their part. And honestly, I have seen glimpses of this in the past. There have been times where organization and motivation fell by the wayside as my controller went on strike. So this is not a one-time threat.
But controllers don’t create something out of nothing. They aren’t the creative type. They repeat what they know. Everything they say in your mind has been said to you before. I understand that you might not remember it. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t said. That’s how the controllers are so convincing. If we don’t know the source, we can’t question the credibility. So we assume we came up with it. And the controller seems to be so logical with tons of evidence. But they are repeating patterns based in fear, statements made from abusers and conclusions coming from primarily abusive experiences. And when they run our lives, we live for survival.
I don’t have to go far to see the source of my controller’s latest threats. I have spent a lifetime trying to avoid being abandoned. It has been nonstop in my life. With my parents, there was emotional abandonment. And it permeated everything. “Do that wrong and I won’t love you.” “Keep acting like that and I will pretend I don’t know you.” But physical abandonment was threatened. “Do this for me or you will be homeless.” “Tell our secrets and we will leave you on the side of the road.” To a child, this is a death threat. There is no surviving without adults. And I was convinced that no other adult would want me if my parents didn’t. So my survival skills centered around abandonment avoidance.
And when I met my would-be rescuer, it further reinforced my fears. I was so excited to have found someone who could stop the pain of my abuse. I thought he would finally take me away from my horror-filled childhood. In reality, he was a young college student who had no power over someone like my father. And he was only there for a summer. His abandonment devastated me and furthered my development of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I could not deal with the pain he left me in. There was no choice but to forget he existed.
That was a painful life sentence for my unconscious. And my unconscious would manifest all my external circumstances until I woke up. I never understood the abandonment in my adult life since I didn’t remember the horrors of my childhood. But I understand it now. I can look back and see how every relational decision I made was to avoid being left behind. I would do anything for others to like me, to respect me, to NOT leave me. But they always did. Of course they did. It was destined to be that way. Since recovery, I have worked through many layers of it. Some of the recent layers are very subtle, it takes some intense awareness to see them. But I am slowly undoing the ways abandonment impacts my choices in my life. I am calling people out on their choices to leave me (even temporarily) when they don’t like what I am doing or saying. I am choosing authenticity even if it means people might not like it. I am rewiring my brain to change how I see abandonment. It isn’t life or death for me. It is about the other person and their discomfort or need to control.
But seeing it on the inside jolted me this morning. In hindsight, maybe it shouldn’t jolt me. If it is in my external life, it is in my internal life. But it jolted me anyway. So I will work to dislodge this latest nuance of the abandonment pattern. While it seemed like the controller was using it against my grounded adult self, I am sure it was being used against my other parts. And that is not acceptable. I will no longer make my choices based on abandonment. I will not be manipulated out of my authenticity. I will not be threatened out of my integrity. My choices are mine. And I am taking them back.
