When my children were born, I knew that I would dedicate my life to helping them be safe, healthy and happy. I wanted my children to have a very different childhood than mine. I was willing to sacrifice anything for them. At the time, I didn’t realize that meant my connection to my family. I didn’t realize that would mean parenting on my own. I didn’t realize it would mean deep recovery work. And I certainly never saw my own business coming. But honestly, as hard as these steps have been, they were easy decisions when I looked into those two sets of blue eyes. I knew there was no other way. And I am extremely proud of everything I have done to protect them and give them a good life. I have screwed up hundreds of times, but I’ve done amazing things too.
But something jolted me the other day. I was surprised when my daughter told me she didn’t want to be an adult. She said it seemed so hard. She said she liked being a kid and she wanted to be a kid forever. My first response was a positive one. I was so glad to hear her say that. I had worked so hard to give her a great childhood and it was working. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult desperately. It was the only way I could escape the tyranny of my abusers. I hated being a child. I hated the powerlessness of it. I hated being treated like I didn’t matter.
Then something occurred to me. Maybe this statement had another side to it. Maybe this statement wasn’t all roses. Kids should want to be kids. But kids shouldn’t want to stay kids forever. Why was she so afraid to be an adult? The answer was easy. She was afraid to be an adult because the main adult in her life is constantly working hard to give her a childhood. Her mother is always balancing trips to school and horse riding lessons and making meals and client calls. Her mother is always running errands and arranging play dates and doctor’s appointments. Her mother is surviving. Her mother is not living. And honestly, the emotions of recovery can’t be hidden all the time. So my daughter sees adulthood as hard work. She doesn’t see it as fun.
Why? I don’t DO fun. I work hard. I love what I do for a living because I created it. I have fun when I work and not many people can say that. I make sure my kids have fun. But I don’t DO fun in the traditional sense. It is hard for me to wrap my head around fun in that way. I never had child-like fun as a child. And honestly, I am not truly embracing fun things in my adulthood. And that is what needs to change. I have to start living. I have to stop surviving. There is a place and a time for getting things done. But as the proverbial saying goes, life is short. And those things are always going to be there to get done. I need to live a little. I need to go salsa dancing. I need to go to Hogwarts (Universal) and not just for the kids. I need to travel because I love it.
As I write this, I can hear my controller screaming about the money and the wasted time and the silliness of it all. I can hear my controller telling me to stay focused on what I have to do. I can hear them tell me I am ruining my life. But I have come far enough in recovery to know that isn’t true. And I am also realizing that parenting isn’t just about ensuring children have a happy, safe childhood. Parenting is about modeling the adults they will become. If I don’t live, my kids won’t know how to live as adults. They will grow up, enmesh with their controllers and robotically get things done for the rest of their lives. And I want my children to love life after childhood. But honestly I am still learning to love it myself. I don’t love it every day. And my controller thinks this is a waste of time.
But I can try. For the first time, I think I can take on a recovery task and be happy about it. I think I can embrace life a bit more. I will still be feeling the anxiety and writing from the resistance, but I can allow myself to enjoy life. My kids are watching. My kids are watching me deal with the hard stuff. My kids are watching my resilience and my anxiety. But my kids are also watching me live the good stuff. And it is time to do that … really do that.
** If you are looking for guidance about how to shift your parenting, take a look at my parenting offerings and let me guide you.
Wow, thank you Elisabeth! I don’t DO fun – resonates so much! I couldn’t afford to have fun. Fun wasn’t allowed. Fun wasn’t safe. Fun was punishable.
I can totally relate and the interesting part of it is that we do DO fun; we just aren’t connected to it. You said yourself that you have fun when you work – see you are having fun – but the connection isn’t there, the feeling of it. We have to allow ourselves to FEEL it.
I know because I love snowboarding, yet when I am processing I have told others that I cannot FEEL the ‘fun’, I cannot feel the ‘love’ even though I am in it. I have not allowed myself the feeling of it. There is a disconnect.
I need to open myself to the allowance. To recognize I deserve to have fun. I am worthy of having fun. That even though I am an adult (which I became far too early) I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN….in fact it is MY RIGHT to have fun. Darn it I am going to do it!
My new oath LOL!
Cheers,
Thank you Wendy. I can relate. Skiing is one of my favorite things to do also. I feel a bit “kid-like” when I do it. Fun is available to us.
I love this! It’s so hard to know how to have fun when fun hasn’t been allowed. Don’t have too much fun or you’ll get punished.
Balance, that word that drives fear into everyone who knows it’s what they need. Balance is key. It doesn’t have to be equal amounts of everything but simply creating space can make all the difference ❤️
You are so right Allanah! It is all about balance. It is time for some of that.
Time to let your hair down and feel the positive feelings and rewards of all your hard work! It’s time!
Absolutely Kate!
Wow. I can see me in this. I have worked hard to keep my kids safe and to provide and often buy material things they want from guilt that there is no father in their life. My kids are now 18 & 16 and I realise I have been so busy I am disconnected. I have provided plenty of opportunities for fun & play but they have never involved me playing with them. I hope its not too late for me to reverse this. I will try. Thank you for your blogs.xx
Thank you Dara. It is so hard to stay connected after a traumatic childhood. I am sure you have made such a difference in their lives. Love to you.
I can totally relate. I don’t even like to hear the suggestion of having fun for myself. I don’t know what it is, and I have lived this long without it, I feel like I am fine to keep going this way.
Fun for me is learning about new things and teaching others.
I just started letting myself get a massage this year. Maybe next year I will be more active like I want.
Fun, such a difficult topic for me.
It is a hard one for sure. Until the past year, it wasn’t on my radar at all. I think my controller believes it will interfere with my hypervigilance, which they see as life or death.
I can relate to all of those shares I think I’m stuck at age 5years I didn’t want to be an adult I didn’t know how to be one I was totally isolated I had no one to talk to I was afraid to talk I think I’m still that child looking for a mother No friends Cannot trust anyone .
I am so sorry Carollyne. I am sure your inner parts are sharing all their feelings with you. It can be so hard to separate the past from the present when we have C-PTSD. Try to do some journaling when you can.
Thanks for being so honest.I can totally understand how difficult this juggling is and it’s great that you are open and positive about it. The thing is that society has taken suffering and struggling as the norm. Plus all the judgement. You had your business and are struggling- your fault. You have 3 kids and are struggling- should have had only 1. Also lots of judgement about other choices in life. I’ve decided to have a fairly non demanding job after realizing that all the pushing for career and status were of my parents’ and not mine. I’ve decided to live without children and be happy. Oh my, you’re not allowed to do that either. Basically I’ve chosen to be a kid forever in a way foregoing certain responsibilities, so I can understand you and your kid. Good luck to you all. I think that it’s important to be loved and accepted and feel good the way you are.
These are such great points. Yes. Choosing a peaceful life is not a societal norm.
Fun is so so hard for me too and it is becoming much more obvious since having kids. My husband does ‘fun’ stuff with them, I am always standing back and watching it happen but I cannot get involved as my embarrassment threshold is way too high. My family never ‘did’ fun when I was small and if there were moments of joy they always tipped into something much darker very very quickly.
I can relate to that. When I am having fun, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Having fun lets our guard down and goes against the hyper-vigilance we have seemed so important to survival. And I also hold the belief that fun turns into something dark.