I have mentioned before that I am not in charge of this journey. There is something comforting and completely terrifying about that. In reality, my ego self (adult self) could never be in charge of this journey. I would not know how to do it or where to start. While I practice awareness and have become conscious of many aspects of my being, I will never have access to everything while in this body. That much I understand.
Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t try to run the show sometimes. My higher self, who is in charge, has a habit of running things at a slower pace than I would like. At the same time, there are times when I am stuck because of my own denial and strong defenses. It is in those moments, I get hit upside the head with a massive trigger to wake me back up. It is fair to say that my higher self and I have a love-hate relationship. She loves me. And I hate that I am not in charge.
But there is nothing like an energetic shift to make me realize how little I know. I don’t usually talk about the energetic side of this work. I am not sure why because it is a constant focus for me. Maybe I think people will write me off as “airy fairy” as Eckhart Tolle puts it. But this journey is not just happening in the mind and body. It is happening on other levels as well. And it can be incredibly helpful to recognize that, even if we can’t make sense of it.
Over the past 10 years, I have experienced two major energetic shifts. While meditating, they feel like my body is dropping while I am completely still. It is a manifestation of a complete physical letting go. It is a weird feeling, but I know I am completely supported as it happens. Honestly, it is one of the only times I feel completely supported. The first energetic shift happened in April of 2011. The second shift happened Friday night. I believe this happens when the higher self has decided to bring you to a new energetic level while your body and mind are still somewhat living in the old. I refer to the aftermath of this experience using the scientific term, “jacked up”. I remember the chaos that followed the first one, although to be honest, we tend to forget the intensity over time. So this time, I decided to share it with you as it is happening.
Why would I share it with you? I am sharing it because I know enough about the energetic world to know these things aren’t just happening to me. This type of thing is a community type of thing. And I have learned through this work that recovery can look very similar even with our differences. So I will describe my experiences here. Please note that many of these experiences are similar to our daily experiences with recovery, so if you read this thinking, “this is my every day life”, interpret it as more than usual.
My “Jacked Up” Experience
Anxiety and paranoia
Nightmares and insomnia
Emotional swings over seemingly nothing at all
Inner chatter at an all-time high
An inability to tolerate what was previously tolerable (think boundaries)
Confusion! Things that once made sense do not any longer.
New things you suddenly must do that you never thought of before
Old things that mattered just don’t matter anymore
Dizziness and headaches
Increased dissociation and forgetfulness
Digestive problems
Throat problems
Achy joints and muscles
Skeletal shifts as the body releases old energy (ouch)
EXHAUSTION!!
As I said before, many of these experiences come and go throughout recovery, but during these times, they can be worse. It is also important to note that smaller energetic shifts happen often. This was a huge shift for me, so everything is magnified. I would love to hear your experiences too. Are you feeling the “jacked-up-ness” at the moment? How is it manifesting in your world?
It’s so nice to hear “my” storyin your words. It’s confirmation that the deep work is so powerful and most definantly freeing chains of doubts that recovery is possible. Kinda like the mush from caterpillar to butterfly. You are amazing.
Thank you JoEllen. You are amazing too. Recovery is possible and you are making it happen.
I get goosebumps every, single, time I read anything that you write. This one has really spoken to me. I have been learning about the “Airy fairy” stuff lately and it has brought me a lot of comfort and peace… as well as confusion and fear (mostly of letting go of control)… and learning that I’m not really in control (I Went back and read that one you wrote as well – wow – I get it). Lately I have been feeling a bit like I’ve stopped making progress because I have started to experience the things you mention above more intensely recently… and, I too, experience many of these things as I go, but lately… it’s been worse and I am feeling a bit discouraged by it. I like the way you are looking at it though. I have been doing so much work on looking inside and taking care of some of that stuff – well, just really starting, and it’s hard to see gains followed by what seems like loss… I also have this real sense that the universe is starting to really hear me (or I am finally starting to connect to it) as I have this constant sense that something really great is about to happen… and I have been spending a lot of time focusing on gratitude.. now… to get rid of this other stuff 🙂
I am so glad to hear this helped you. It is so easy to get discouraged because the cyclical approach to this work can make us feel like we are backtracking or regressing. Most of my clients say their emotions and inner chatter picks up when they start working with me. That’s not because they are regressing. Their system is getting ready for change (and some parts aren’t thrilled). It just depends how you look at it.
So grateful I came across your writing here just a few moments ago. I’ve had a very odd day but it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. It’s 2am as I’m writing this and the inner chatter that’s been going on in my head all day is still relentless. How on earth I’m suppose to sleep I don’t know. What is going on? Emotions all over the place, and I’ve even felt queasy today for no apparent reason. I’ve cried, and then toughened up to deliberately stop myself. I’ve wanted to run and run but I’ve certainly no energy to do that, and then I want to just cover my eyes and hide. I also want to do things I know aren’t good for me (food, spending) and I should be more able to control. Is it just coincidence I wonder that I successfully practised some guided meditation for the very first time earlier this morning?
Many times our system will revolt a bit after we have success with mindfulness practices. Our defenders can get concerned and “jack things up” a bit. That may have happened. Are you hearing words behind the emotions? Try writing from the parts for a while to give them a voice. Some parts may be worried about recovery while some may be excited to be heard.
Thank you for taking the time to explain things. Amazing to think that the mindfulness exercise could have had some relevance here. I will pay more attention to any words that come up behind the emotions from now on.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I have been having terrible stomach pains, diarrhea, exhaustion, anxiety, confusion, basically everything you mentioned at a very intense level this past week. It started off as noticing that people were pushing my boundaries a lot. A part of me wasn’t happy with some of the things my coworkers were saying to me, casting doubt on my work and what felt like an attack on my dignity. Funny because 2 weeks ago they were saying the same things and I laughed it off. The whole week I felt like people were verbally attacking me, even my priest! Then I was watching a Netflix documentary about Tony Robbins and went through a guided meditation with him only to suddenly remember the emotions behind the trauma of my dad hitting my mom. I never felt those emotions before, only remember the incidents very sporadically and only as a very distant/neutral observer. After that I have been bowled over with all these emotions and physical symptoms. I literally feel sick. If this is an energetic shift then I’m part excited and part hoping it’ll be over soon!
Thank you for your comment Sarah. Try to write from the pain. Breathe in to it and listen for words. This will often help the symptoms to dissipate some.
I hope that an energy shift is what I’m going through I don’t know I’ve never felt it before. I constantly feel like I don’t know when I am emotionaly. I’m well aware I’m here physically but sometimes my flashbacks are so recurrent and visual that I feel like I’m emotionally slipping into them. Constantly on a pendulum between both worlds, then and now. I wake up at 3am on the dot all the time now. All day headaches and dizziness. And I’ve become so….forgetful and dismissive. Which isn’t me because I am extremely well disciplined and OCD. I’ve just been wavin it off as an identity cr So of some sort….but this sounds more familiar
Identity crisis *
It definitely sounds like your dissociation has got up a few notches. There is probably something under the surface your controller does not want you to see. Take steps to ground yourself whenever you can. That will help you so much.
Thank you. I will do more writing. I definitely feel ‘stuck’