I have mentioned before that I am not in charge of this journey. There is something comforting and completely terrifying about that. In reality, my ego self (adult self) could never be in charge of this journey. I would not know how to do it or where to start. While I practice awareness and have become conscious of many aspects of my being, I will never have access to everything while in this body. That much I understand.
Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t try to run the show sometimes. My higher self, who is in charge, has a habit of running things at a slower pace than I would like. At the same time, there are times when I am stuck because of my own denial and strong defenses. It is in those moments, I get hit upside the head with a massive trigger to wake me back up. It is fair to say that my higher self and I have a love-hate relationship. She loves me. And I hate that I am not in charge.
But there is nothing like an energetic shift to make me realize how little I know. I don’t usually talk about the energetic side of this work. I am not sure why because it is a constant focus for me. Maybe I think people will write me off as “airy fairy” as Eckhart Tolle puts it. But this journey is not just happening in the mind and body. It is happening on other levels as well. And it can be incredibly helpful to recognize that, even if we can’t make sense of it.
Over the past 10 years, I have experienced two major energetic shifts. While meditating, they feel like my body is dropping while I am completely still. It is a manifestation of a complete physical letting go. It is a weird feeling, but I know I am completely supported as it happens. Honestly, it is one of the only times I feel completely supported. The first energetic shift happened in April of 2011. The second shift happened Friday night. I believe this happens when the higher self has decided to bring you to a new energetic level while your body and mind are still somewhat living in the old. I refer to the aftermath of this experience using the scientific term, “jacked up”. I remember the chaos that followed the first one, although to be honest, we tend to forget the intensity over time. So this time, I decided to share it with you as it is happening.
Why would I share it with you? I am sharing it because I know enough about the energetic world to know these things aren’t just happening to me. This type of thing is a community type of thing. And I have learned through this work that recovery can look very similar even with our differences. So I will describe my experiences here. Please note that many of these experiences are similar to our daily experiences with recovery, so if you read this thinking, “this is my every day life”, interpret it as more than usual.
My “Jacked Up” Experience
Anxiety and paranoia
Nightmares and insomnia
Emotional swings over seemingly nothing at all
Inner chatter at an all-time high
An inability to tolerate what was previously tolerable (think boundaries)
Confusion! Things that once made sense do not any longer.
New things you suddenly must do that you never thought of before
Old things that mattered just don’t matter anymore
Dizziness and headaches
Increased dissociation and forgetfulness
Achy joints and muscles
Skeletal shifts as the body releases old energy (ouch)
As I said before, many of these experiences come and go throughout recovery, but during these times, they can be worse. It is also important to note that smaller energetic shifts happen often. This was a huge shift for me, so everything is magnified. I would love to hear your experiences too. Are you feeling the “jacked-up-ness” at the moment? How is it manifesting in your world?