Hi there. It’s the inner defender here. In reality, I am one of the inner defenders. Some inner defenders don’t like me because my methods draw attention. But I have learned through the years that some things work and some things don’t. And honestly, hiding away or being super nice all the time does absolutely no good. People keep coming around because they can sense weakness. The best approach is to be mean. And here are my reasons why.
- Being mean gains respect from the mean people. I definitely know how to get nasty. I have learned from the best. And since Elisabeth would never allow this behavior, I just take over and handle it. Since I am uncensored, I can beat almost any bully at their own game. I can be louder and I can use more threatening language. And they respect me. When they respect me, they leave me alone. Even in the case of my abusers, if I was mean to someone they didn’t like, it would almost be a bonding moment. And let’s be real, being nice just gets us hurt. People don’t respect nice people. They see it as a sign of weakness. Nice people don’t get treated nicely. They get bullied. It just doesn’t work. That is why I have to shut down the younger inner children. They are too damned nice to everyone.
- Being mean distracts people from the blame game. When someone is coming at me because they think I have done something wrong, there is nothing better than a nasty, mean explosion to distract them. The nastier I sound, the more distracting it becomes. If they think I am crazy, great. They won’t come around me. So they won’t need to blame me for anything.
- Being mean gets the point across. I am used to being ignored. Elisabeth was never heard as a child. But when I yell, people have to listen. They have no choice. There is nothing like being shocked to get the attention of others.
- Being mean can keep people away. Let’s face it. People are awful. I don’t want them around most of the time. And if they give me the impression they are sticking around, it might just be time to get mean.
- Being mean helps maintain control. It worked for my abusers. They were always mean and in our family, they always had control. Honestly, when people are fearful, you can control them. That’s what my abusers did. And it worked. Keep them scared and you don’t have to worry about problems with them.
- Being mean avoids disappointment for the other parts. I can feel it every time those inner children start to get excited about a “new friend”. I always see where it is going. It is someone else to take advantage of us. Guaranteed it is going to end badly. It is best to nip it in the bud the first time there is any problem at all.
Have I been portrayed as the villain? Sure. The other inner parts hate me because I ruin their connections with others or their strategy to lay low. Elisabeth has avoided connection with others because she couldn’t be sure when I would take over. But I like it that way. That is how I stay safe. And that is how I keep everyone safe.
I know Elisabeth wants me to change. I know she doesn’t want me to lash out at others any more. I know she wants to have relationships, and she has made it clear that I am not allowed in the middle of them. She is especially adamant about keeping me out of the parenting activities, which only works some of the time. She tells me I can yell at her instead. She tells me she knows why I am angry. She tells me I am justified in the way I feel. She tells me she gets it, but it isn’t like it used to be.
But she doesn’t get it. How does she know it isn’t like it used to be? I have to keep us safe. And I will do what it takes to make that happen. While my outbursts have sometimes escalated to additional problems, it has worked 80% of the time. And in this dangerous and nasty world, those odds are pretty good. So until she proves otherwise, I don’t see a problem with being mean. Mean is cool. More importantly, mean is safe.
Good post. Very interesting.
Thank you.
Elizabeth can I email you or you email me please.
Email me any time at beatingtrauma@gmail.com
How much is your mean girl about anger? Or about feeling powerful? I hear you say control but for me power and control are slightly different…at least when it comes to feeling powerful in the way of being mean. Does that make sense?
I sometimes feel a respite with my mean girl that I should thank her for more often. A respite from feelings of futility. A respite from keeping anger bottled up and it turning against me.
I’m still working on how to allow her to express without it being about deliberate hurt. Underneath the meanness is all those things you’ve said — hurt, fear, unworthiness…. But sometimes I find it difficult to balance allowing anger to express and feeling that power vs bottling it up. It makes me wonder how this works outside of trauma.
That is so true. My mean girl uses anger to feel powerful and maintain control over others. While I know they are slightly different, I think my mean girl ties them together. For many years, I would feel angry because it felt powerful to her. Of course, it isn’t, but it feels that way. I much prefer the anger to the futility. As a matter of a fact, I spent years avoiding the futility feeling. It has only been recently that I allowed it at all.
Thank you for this post…such an honest, true account of what happens. I found myself feeling very sad reading it. Thank goodness you have got to know her, understand how and why she operates like this and are able to express her now. Carnage and chaos otherwise, and probably some of that still despite this work! I completely relate about avoiding feelings of futility but almost being ok with the anger. For me the anger gives me a voice, one that I never had. It makes me feel strong and I can feel the emotion in my body. The futility is deadness, for me anyway. I am experiencing an episode of it at the moment. Numb, dead, confused, can’t be bothered with a mind still listing things I must do. Of course I want to feel alive..who wants to feel like a dead person trying to function and look after 2 children? But I am trying to do this differently. I am allowing myself to feel this way. I have left my house because I wanted to soak up aliveness around me…almost like my deadness being held by life and aliveness. It feels better than staying in on my own mechanically working through a to do list! Thanks again Elisabeth for your honesty.
Oh wow Emily! I know that place so well. I am sorry you are in it. When I get like this, I write from this prompt:
“There is no point to any of it. It won’t make any difference.”
Allow that part of you to voice all the reasons it doesn’t matter. While it seems like that might encourage the feeling to continue, it actually starts to release it once expressed – maybe not instantly, but it starts the process.
Thanks Elisabeth. I did son journaling last night based on your prompt. Lots of things came up. It feels like an extremely negative place, very critical, and fear based too. A difficult place to write from but needing to be expressed.
I am so impressed with your courage Emily! You amaze me! It does need to be expressed. And you are doing just that.
Elisabeth,
Would you explain this more about futility and the avoiding the futility feeling? How does this relate to suppressed frozen anger/anquish?
Hi JoEllen, In my case, the futility was hidden beneath a large portion of my anger. I had to process the anger first. I believe one of my primary defenders carried the anger and that part was blocking the part carrying the futility. That said, everyone is different and you may find a different pattern. Here is a piece I recently wrote about my depression, which seems to be a direct result of my sense of futility surfacing.
My Story of Depression
Yesterday was “one of those days”.
I woke up with dissociation. I was tired and my body ached. I could tell there was a memory to retrieve, so I worked through that and I started to feel better.
After the memory came back, I noticed a release in my shoulder. For me, physical releases always come with some kind of emotion, but I was distracted by the memory so I didn’t take note of it.
At about 2 PM, it hit me like a tidal wave. Suddenly, my entire body felt like it was weighed down. I felt immersed in water or like I was wearing a moon suit on Earth. I was swimming in a sea of hopelessness, powerlessness and futility.
The first thing that crossed my mind: I need a nap. I played a movie for the kids and went upstairs. I somehow convinced myself to take a shower and I felt a little better.
I was concerned I would waste the day in the bed, but I could see no other option but to lay down.
Twenty minutes later, I was awakened by a loud noise outside. I sat up in bed and heard the words, “Go Write Now!!”
I went downstairs and wrote from my inner part that felt there was no point. She told me how it didn’t matter what she did, it was never right and it never made any difference. She told me how I didn’t appreciate anything she ever did. I told her I did and I wanted to work with her. Three pages later, that conversation ended and I felt a little better.
I decided to leave the house. There is nothing like the threat of an extra Redbox fee to get a depressed person out of the house. I managed to brush my hair and change out of my pajama pants, but make-up wasn’t even a consideration, and I wore my sweatshirt when it was 75 degrees because I was cold.
When I got home, I had to make dinner. I was planning to make soup, but all I just wanted to order pizza. I stared at the counter. Make soup or order pizza. Make soup or order pizza.
I started to repeat the mantra: “This is an inner part’s feeling. This is not about now.” I started making the soup. It turned out fine. I was glad to have it. And I didn’t spend a bunch of money on pizza.
At about 6 PM, I felt it lift. The room became colorful again. The weight lifted from my body. And I stood there, cautiously optimistic. I had done it in 4 hours, not days, not weeks. 4 hours of napping, writing, mantra repeating, wine pining, and forcing my way through life like I was walking on the bottom of an ocean.
I was proud of myself.
And then last night, someone posted this on my page:
“[Depression] is a choice we make, sure you can go that way or Buck up say “right I’ve hit a bump it’s time to show strength” you defiantly get up clean up..dress up..and show up..do a great days work or go out and enjoy nature, you can play music and dance like nobody is watching or hearing..make or buy lovely food feed your body it does wonders for you then you have the strength to prosper..if you have somebody to share your day who will enjoy it ask them. Don’t let negatives enter your day.”
I had many thoughts that I won’t write here, but most importantly, I thought we have so much education to do.
So I wrote this.
is right/due being nice with rude people?is not allowed to good people saying NO with anger?Many people have told me that for all my life.That is only their way to keep me down and usefull.
There comes a time when you start saying NO and feeling guilty. I would desire a defender with me during this time.
Yes! Step 1 is to recognize you never say “no”. Step 2 is to say “no” but feel guilty about it. Step 3 is to say “no” without feeling the guilt. Just keep telling yourself you deserve to be here and stand up for yourself. There is nothing mean about that.
Elizabeth, I am struggling so much with the ‘no’ word. It’s not that I am being asked to do wrong things but that I don’t have the strength to do many of the normal day to day stuff. I’m exhausted sometimes just dealing with all my emotional stuff. I’m currently sick of my inner parts making me feel angry and hostile with my loved ones, vulnerable over ridiculous things and I’m so angry with myself but can’t get away from myself. I have a loving husband who is very supportive. He has childhood trauma too and has done a lot of work with his inner parts. I’m very proud of him. But if he suggests things like popping out for coffee or liking around the shops because he wants us to do something nice together or a job that needs doing and I feel exhausted, I feel angry with him for suggesting it. One of my inner parts says “hey! How selfish are you? Can’t you see I’m exhausted? What’s wrong with you?” I know consciously that it’s not his fault and he can’t read minds because I’ve been saying ‘yes’ to things for the past 2 weeks that are too much for me and he doesn’t know that. But, today I am angry with him because I had happily agreed to something before that I was too exhausted to do last night and I was (and still am) angry with him for not seeing it and saying “don’t worry. I can see this is too much. I can handle this myself”. Why do I do this? Why can’t I say “no” without feeling angry that he is ‘making me to’ something I don’t want to do? The guilt is terrible. So I don’t rest when I should because I feel lazy as he’s a very hard worker. Does anyone else relate to this? I’m going to be journaling from this today so if anyone has any tips or feedback I would appreciate it as I feel awful about myself today. Love to you all.
I completely understand this Lisa. The part who can’t say no and the part who is getting angry are two different parts. That is why it seems like such a push and pull situation. Your mean kid is probably the angry one, but your love seeker is the one who wants to make everyone happy. It is very helpful to work with your love seeker to teach her she doesn’t always have to do what others ask. At the same time, it is necessary to work with the mean kid to teach her some compassion for others and that they don’t always have evil intentions. The adult self can reframe these situations and separate them from the past trauma.
Elizabeth I thank you for sharing such honesty. Anger is very real when we are abused and do not speak up. I have been paralyzed many days with depression. When I do speak up I feel empowered and on those days I can make choices to get out of bed. This is my sign of alert I am taking too much keeping it in, it takes my energy. It is a lot of work to push above it but I feel so much better when I say get up
Get dressed the rest will follow.
Very very difficult to overcome
I am sending my love and light to you Eileen. I know how hard it is.
How did you know there was a memory to retrieve?
I always knew on an unconscious and intuitive level that something was not adding up, that something was missing. But I didn’t know on a conscious level until the first memory came back about 8 years ago.
“But she doesn’t get it. How does she know it isn’t like it used to be? I have to keep us safe. And I will do what it takes to make that happen.”
Loved that!
I am learning to process my anger in more healthy ways. Before I stuffed it down by “overeating” or I bottled it up and then exploded. As a child I was to be seen and not heard and definitely wasn’t “allowed” to be anything other than “happy”.
I love reading what you have written. I have spent the last 4 years sifting through my baggage and am just now starting to get to the point where I can be more present in the Now. I look forward to reading more about your experiences as well!
Thank you! I am so glad my writing is speaking to you. We all need to know we are not alone.
My situation is that the anger is so pent up, I have no outlet. It sits with it’s hands around my throat and I literally can’t speak. My CPTSD keeps the movies(reliving) playing in my head all day. My anxiety has me cut off from anyone but a few family members and I can’t be mean to them. I recently read Jay Earleys’ Self Therapy ( on the advice of my therapist because I only get 30 minute sessions. It’s taken us since December just to get all the traumas listed!) but can”t seem to make any progress. I think I am super blended. I try writing and then another part blocks me. I just go blank. I feel no emotion but anger and frustration, I actually found all the saddest songs I could, not a single tear. I can go for days without speaking at all. This truly feels futile.
You are talking about your controller. That is the part who is blocking you. Keep writing from that anger as much as possible though. That will help to release the anxiety. In addition, listen for the controller. That is the part who won’t want you to express emotion. Try to notice how they shut you down in your body and your mind. If you would like to talk about it, send me an email at beatingtrauma@gmail.com.
Thank you so much for sharing this, amazingly brave, I read it with tears in my eyes.when your head and heart are not in alignment it s not pretty and you do anything possible to stay safe and not drag anyone down with you,thank you, we are not alone.♡
Thank you Jane! We are not alone.