Hi there.  It’s the inner defender here.  In reality, I am one of the inner defenders.  Some inner defenders don’t like me because my methods draw attention.  But I have learned through the years that some things work and some things don’t.  And honestly, hiding away or being super nice all the time does absolutely no good.  People keep coming around because they can sense weakness.  The best approach is to be mean.  And here are my reasons why.

  1. Being mean gains respect from the mean people.  I definitely know how to get nasty.  I have learned from the best.  And since Elisabeth would never allow this behavior, I just take over and handle it.  Since I am uncensored, I can beat almost any bully at their own game.  I can be louder and I can use more threatening language.  And they respect me.  When they respect me, they leave me alone.  Even in the case of my abusers, if I was mean to someone they didn’t like, it would almost be a bonding moment.  And let’s be real, being nice just gets us hurt.  People don’t respect nice people.  They see it as a sign of weakness.  Nice people don’t get treated nicely.  They get bullied.  It just doesn’t work.  That is why I have to shut down the younger inner children.  They are too damned nice to everyone.
  2. Being mean distracts people from the blame game. When someone is coming at me because they think I have done something wrong, there is nothing better than a nasty, mean explosion to distract them.  The nastier I sound, the more distracting it becomes.  If they think I am crazy, great.  They won’t come around me.  So they won’t need to blame me for anything.
  3. Being mean gets the point across. I am used to being ignored.  Elisabeth was never heard as a child.  But when I yell, people have to listen.  They have no choice.  There is nothing like being shocked to get the attention of others.
  4. Being mean can keep people away. Let’s face it.  People are awful.  I don’t want them around most of the time.  And if they give me the impression they are sticking around, it might just be time to get mean.
  5. Being mean helps maintain control. It worked for my abusers.  They were always mean and in our family, they always had control.  Honestly, when people are fearful, you can control them.  That’s what my abusers did.  And it worked.  Keep them scared and you don’t have to worry about problems with them.
  6. Being mean avoids disappointment for the other parts. I can feel it every time those inner children start to get excited about a “new friend”.  I always see where it is going.  It is someone else to take advantage of us.  Guaranteed it is going to end badly.  It is best to nip it in the bud the first time there is any problem at all.

Have I been portrayed as the villain?  Sure.  The other inner parts hate me because I ruin their connections with others or their strategy to lay low.  Elisabeth has avoided connection with others because she couldn’t be sure when I would take over.  But I like it that way.  That is how I stay safe.  And that is how I keep everyone safe.

I know Elisabeth wants me to change.  I know she doesn’t want me to lash out at others any more.  I know she wants to have relationships, and she has made it clear that I am not allowed in the middle of them.  She is especially adamant about keeping me out of the parenting activities, which only works some of the time.  She tells me I can yell at her instead.  She tells me she knows why I am angry.  She tells me I am justified in the way I feel.  She tells me she gets it, but it isn’t like it used to be.

But she doesn’t get it.  How does she know it isn’t like it used to be?  I have to keep us safe.  And I will do what it takes to make that happen.  While my outbursts have sometimes escalated to additional problems, it has worked 80% of the time.  And in this dangerous and nasty world, those odds are pretty good.  So until she proves otherwise, I don’t see a problem with being mean.  Mean is cool.  More importantly, mean is safe.