Do you ever have one of those months
when you have to move houses as a single parent,
and it seems like it is too much to handle on your own,
and you are trying to start a new business,
and you have very little money,
and the kids are home from school for the summer and don’t have enough to do,
and the move leaves you dissociated and struggling with insomnia because everything is new,
and that makes it harder to focus when you do have time to work,
and the kids are constantly fighting because they are stressed too,
and your son has a freak bathroom door accident at the pool which leaves his toenail separated from his big toe,
and you have to wrap it every day,
and it is incredibly gross,
and then the dog starts throwing up incessantly,
and the vet says he has Gastroenteritis from eating sand in the new back yard (what?),
and he has to spend two days at the emergency vet,
and the kids complain because the whole day was “about the dog” (raising them right),
and they missed another damn swim practice,
and they are never going to be better swimmers this way,
and then you think, “There is no way God loves me”,
and you just know the universe is not supporting you,
and you know this whole freaking life has been some kind of sick joke,
and you were never meant to thrive,
and you forgot that so many friends offered to help you with the move,
and you forgot that your friends took care of your children on move day, the whole day,
and you forgot that one friend spent the entire move day loading and unloading your stuff,
and you forgot that you have amazing support with the new business from very knowledgeable people,
and you forgot your son’s toe nail will grow back (hopefully),
and you forgot that the dog recovered without surgery,
and you forgot that your children are not required to go to the Olympics in swimming anyway?
It is the trauma response,
because this is life,
this is what happens in life,
and it doesn’t mean you aren’t loved.
It just means you are still here,
and you haven’t given up yet.
So congratulations on not giving up,
and keep looking for that support,
because it is there whether you see it or not.
But it is probably just me.
Not just you!
There is community in over-reaction! 🙂
Every time. When I find myself coming up against all kinds of difficulty, my brain immediately goes “well this is just how your life works, sucker”
Wow. Your brain and my brain would get along great. 🙂
Oh, wow. You mean my brain is lying to me? That’s why I can never relate to people who say, “it’ll be okay”, or “everything turns out right in the end.” Oh. Oh. This was powerful, especially the last piece.
The idea that failure is just part of the course, and we have to talk about it, is terrifying and new to me. Well, just scary. Not new.
Exactly. I have almost never believed anyone who told me it will work out fine. As a child, it never worked out fine, so why should I believe that. So the brain (and the rest of the nervous system) is still planning for the worst.
Amen.
I find those comments like, “This too shall pass,” very invalidating. Even if it may get better, can we not please recognize that it sucks right now! I struggle with overwhelming despair mixed with self-loathing. While I can see things rationally (I can logically see that in all probability things will improve), my gut doesn’t believe it. “The Tormenter” (the person inside my head that hurls criticism and insults at me) continues to lie to me. I have listened to him for so long that the reality he has painted has become my reality. As Elisabeth said…the best I can do sometimes is to wake up another day alive and take another breath.
I have even found that the “tormenter” is quite logical. The arguments that everything will fall apart can be quite convincing. It can swallow us up.
I can really relate to the negative being my baseline. I’m so used to it. I try to accept its presence since fighting it only makes it bigger and louder. Then I choose to focus where my strength is, like on something to do with gratitude, forgiveness, & acceptance. Something in the direction I want to go in.
So good how you zeroed in on the power of support. I need to remind myself of the supports I have and give myself permission to use them. I don’t have to be dying to ask for help. I think asking for help usually helps the supporter and supported.
Thank you Elisabeth.
Healing Blessings,
Donna
It is so important to recognize how we are supported. But it is hard when the trauma takes over. Asking for help has always been a struggle for me, but you are right. It is incredibly healing.
Hi Carrie, This is another great piece. Thank you. I’ve been following your blog for a few months. I really admire your honesty and determination to heal. It is rare. Your article brought up the issue of friendships. I find that I am quite isolated and have only one local friend – a woman my age who I met in a trauma therapy group. But other than her, I am unable to find the motivation to stay in touch with my acquaintances as I find I have to suppress/hide/downplay the one thing that I’m the most passionate about: trauma recovery. I’d love to hear your thoughts about trauma and friendships – how to find community as a trauma survivor (outside of meeting people in recovery groups)
Isolation is a very common response to trauma. It is hard to trust after trauma and we feel like the only person in the world who has been through it. You may find most of your friends are survivors for a while. I made several good friends through groups too. Even now, I don’t have a ton of friends, just a couple of close friends. And honestly, that is really all it takes. Do you have an interest or hobby outside of the trauma? Could you meet someone with the same interest?
Hi Elisabeth, I’m looking with horror at my post. Why on earth did I end up calling you Carrie? My sincere apologies for the momentary brain freeze. 🙂
Thanks for so much your reply. As for hobbies, I do love nature – I find it extremely healing and soothing to be among trees, squirrels, birds etc. But I find that most people connect with nature in very active ways – running, cycling, blading hiking, etc- basically zipping through life. There are loads of activity clubs in the city where I live, but I find I just don’t have that kind of energy, nor do I enjoy that kind of “speed”. My basic “problem” is that I seem to prefer my own company over anybody elses, and avoid getting close as I’ve found repeatedly that people who are not actively on the healing path just drain my energy. I believe that to a lesser or greater extent, every single human being on the planet is traumatized/wounded but most are unconsciously acting out. Can you relate to that sentiment? PS: Its heartening to hear that it takes only a couple of close friends. My one close friendship is extremely supportive and nurturing for both of us. We are together very mindful of boundary setting and empathic relating.
No problem about the name. The internet is a busy place. 🙂
There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time in your own company. It can be healthy to enjoy our time alone. So many survivors of trauma struggle to be alone and are always seeking validation in others. That being said, isolation is not healthy either. Connection with others is a huge factor in our healing since most of our wounds came from dysfunctional and abusive relationships. Start small with relationship, and don’t judge yourself for your need to be alone.
No, it definitely is not just you. But I know it feels like that. I feel like that. all. the. time.
Thank you for your voice and your courage.
Thank you Jyl!