Sometimes I lose perspective. And that might be an understatement. I spend too much time comparing myself to others, and in the world of social media, big houses and perfectly groomed lawns, that takes its toll.
In an attempt to remember how far I have come, I decided to look at how much I have grown and changed as a parent in the past eight years. To do that, I looked at the little things, the daily occurrences that don’t seem like they matter, but speak volumes about my recovery work.
And honestly, I am pretty impressed with myself.
If you are a parent, do this little exercise so you can be impressed with yourself too.
1. My son stubbed his toe this morning and I didn’t remind him he was running.
2. I can let my daughter go to a public bathroom by herself.
3. I don’t have to win every argument even when I “know” I am right.
4. I can wait for ten entire seconds while my kids try something new before I get involved.
5. I can share my things now … sometimes.
6. I breathe every once in a while.
7. My kids say I yell less. If they say it, it must be true.
8. My kids can reject my food and I don’t have a temper tantrum. I also don’t make them something else.
9. I can take my kids to the grocery store and not have a panic attack. (I still hate it though.)
10. Yesterday, my kids raised their voices and I didn’t.
11. Last week, I admitted that I was wrong … in front of my kids.
12. I even have faith that everything is going to be ok … sometimes.
My new 7 Habits of Parents with Complex Trauma workshop is available here.
I FINALLY learned to love going to the grocery store. I had to find the mental space though, that is, clear away a bunch of emotions caused by a bunch of lies that were caused by a bunch of wounds from a bunch of trauma. I cannot tell you the feeling of being able to take care of simple life things, like going to the grocery store–without having to journal about it for several hours first. Relief!!! Progress!!!
Congratulations on your hard won results in your parenting life. That’s beautiful. You’re an inspiration!!!
Thank you! And congratulations on your progress too. We keep moving forward. It will not beat us.
#9 – Oh yes, I have found that if I give myself a time limit and then tell the limit to the kids before we get to the store, then I can get most of the shopping done and out of there before reaching critical mass and panic kicking in. Learning that I didn’t have to stay in the store longer than I felt I had to and learning that it was okay if I left without getting everything on my list was a real sign of healing for me – it meant that I realised I was in an adult body and could make adult decisions and that I was in control. I could stop any situation, even one as seemingly simple as going to the grocery store, because I am an adult and I am in charge. Yay! #smallstepsarebiggerthantheyseem
You are so right about small steps! And that is a great method for dealing with the grocery store. One of my big trauma-based responses to life is to overreach my limits to the point where I am actually whining inside my head. I have to learn to respect my limits or I will never teach others to respect my limits. That is a big growth opportunity for me.
I am frequently surprised by the little things I do now or take for granted now and the subtle changes that have happened and all work together to make the kids and my life so much better now.
Keep noticing those. It can make such a difference. I sometimes surprise myself. I will say to myself, “Did I just say that?” I call those moments of patience and understanding my “Mother Teresa” moments. 🙂
I can identify with a lot on your list! Thank you for pointing out your parenting victories.
#1 is the one I’m most passionate about changing because it pulls on my shaming strings. I’ve realized over the years of doing healing work from childhood trauma that many seemingly innocent things I experienced while being parented, were in fact, passive aggressive shaming the child behaviors. I internalized them and have caught myself over the years saying things to my children that appeared to be acceptable parenting but when I looked closely, I saw shame. I asked myself, how would I feel if that was said to me, and low and behold, I realized there were hidden shaming messages. For example, if my child broke something by accident and I said, “Why did you do that?” Seems so innocent and probably not one of my better examples but, that is a shaming/blaming question and does nothing but make my child feel bad. I could say instead, I’m sorry that happened, are you okay?, can I help you with that? Those responses feel supportive and loving and that’s how I want to interact with my precious children.
Thank you Elizabeth, I love your real every day posts that so many of us can relate to.
Thank you Donna. I love the awareness in your comment. And you are right. It is a subtle form of shaming that will stick with them. I have to work hard at that one. I am so used to blaming myself that it is hard not to project that on the kids.
This made me tear up with pride for both of us! I really do get better every year at doing life well. I’m super excited to be turning 36 soon. It means I’ve built a new life over the same amount of time I lived in abuse, taking back what the locusts have stolen and receiving beauty for my ashes!
Beautiful!!
I simply love your work Elizabeth, I relate to the whole list, it is so important that we remember how far we have come. I know I am violently hard on myself at times,Self compassion is huge, Of course I often have to fake it till I make it, Your blog has been a major support for me this past year, I can’t thank you enough, Blessings, light and hope Harriet
Thank you so much Harriet. I am so glad my blog is helping you. And I appreciate all your shares.