We live in a world of controllers. Everyone around us is controller-enmeshed. What does that mean? The part who operates in survival-mode and makes their decisions from fear is running the show. That’s why this recovery is revolutionary. We are not just changing our own beliefs. We are changing our beliefs from the way the rest of the world thinks too. The controller is so enmeshed in our world that even many of our recovery programs are operating from the controller. “Just change your behavior.” “Just strengthen your mask.” “Just stop feeling bad.” “You don’t have to remember to heal.” It is all meant to avoid the deeper pain we are all feeling. And it doesn’t work. There is no relief from this kind of work. Quick fixes provide short-term solutions. That’s what a controller-enmeshed world has created. It’s a bunch of band-aids on a gaping wound. It just doesn’t work.
So how do we unplug from the Matrix for good? How do we wake up from the zombie apocalypse? This is the question people have been trying to figure out for years. There are lots of books about disconnecting from the ego self. And yet, it is the hardest thing to do. Even when we start to wake up, the fear of the controller (and other defenders) can put us right back to sleep. I’ve seen it happen too many times. Waking up is terrifying. Acknowledging the truth of our story is terrifying. Thinking differently from the rest of the world is terrifying. But it is time to do this. It is time to take this seriously. The only way we will wake up as a human race is if enough of us wake up. Does that mean more than half of us? No. Living outside of the fear is incredibly powerful. Each person can have a massive impact on this world. But we have to dedicate ourselves to stepping out of the fearful mind-based world we have been living in. Here are some strategies we can employ for moving in this direction.
Recognize invalidation for what it is. People are going to invalidate your choices when you are not operating from fear. They will give you lots of logical reasons why you are not doing the right thing. But invalidation is coming from their own fear. It is a projection. It might be their fear of doing exactly what you are doing. If you do it, they will lose the ability to tell themselves a story about why they can’t. Or it might be the jealousy coming from their own inner parts who want to do the same thing. Either way, it is not what it seems. Recognizing this can be so helpful to keep us on track.
See the fear and what it creates. It is time to get real about what fear creates in our world. It is really ugly. It has created a world of billionaires and people without enough to eat. It encourages hoarders of money and things. It builds selfishness. It creates war and extreme acts of violence because people are convinced someone else is going to harm them. It makes us hide to avoid visibility. It keeps us stuck in patterns from childhood, making it impossible for us to live out the dreams we have always wanted to achieve. Worst of all, it keeps us connected to abusive people who retraumatize us at every turn. When we see the fear, we can see what it is doing in the world and our own lives.
Stop believing emotions are crazy. The controller-enmeshed world believes that human emotions are a weakness. If the emotions are too intense, they will even be labeled as crazy. In reality, the human experience must involve emotions. Emotions are supposed to be a part of our everyday experience. There is not going to come a day where you will suddenly be healed and feel nothing. The goal is to re-learn how to tolerate emotion as a part of our existence. When people (or your own controller) tell you that you are not handling things well because you are feeling something, you are not the crazy one in that conversation. It is critically important that we reframe our understanding of emotion if we want to wake up.
Start believing the real stories. As controller-enmeshed humans, we are programmed to believe the lies instead of the truth. Why? The lies are much more convenient. They make the world look less harsh. They make horrible abuses disappear. They make the powerful look like good people. They give us a false sense of security too. But under the surface, they don’t reduce our fear. They increase it. Deep down, we know the truth. And we know the blinders we are wearing can cause us more harm than good. So we need to stop believing the lies because it feels better on the surface. We need to start believing the stuff that is hard to hear. We need to start believing the real truth from ourselves and others. We have to start believing the victims of horrible crimes and abuses. They are not hallucinating. They are not in need of meds. They are not lacking credibility. They are being extremely brave. And choosing to ignore or invalidate them is retraumatizing to them and the human race. The truth has to come out.
It is time for change. It is time to stop protecting the wrong people by participating in a controller-enmeshed society. It is time to question the fear-based choices of everyone around us. We have been given everything we need to break out of this prison. And it’s time to use our tools. Whenever you feel that fear stepping in, whenever you start questioning your truth and invalidating your emotional responses, step back and ground. Bring your awareness to the controller and how they are influencing you. Your internal oppression device is active. It’s not the controller’s fault. They were programmed by abusers. But they can’t be in charge anymore. The grounded adult self is ready to guide you to a new life without the fear.
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I love your relationship with fear. There are no “bad” people in the world, only fearful people. Even terrible acts of violence like war are based upon self-preservation and fear.
Thank you. You are right. So many horrible things come from fear.
This was an especially powerful piece.
Thank you for being there for all of us. Your words and candid example are very healing. May we all grow beyond our fears now and always.
Thank you so much Diane!
I see the fear every time I bring up the past. The fear in my Mother’s eyes, as she does not want to face what happened to her children. Fear in my syblings eyes as they do not want anyone to know our family’s secret. Fear in the eyes of my son who does not want to think that could happen to one of his three daughters. Lots of fear.
❤ This is exactly where I am with the world. Enough of my friends see it, too, that I am fortunate to have some solidarity. And I think more of us are realizing it. It has become very hard to ignore the horror happening all around us. People are figuring this out, even if it takes seeking mental health counseling for the first time. As you say, deep down, we know what the truth is. And I will never stop spreading the truth & counteracting the liars and bad actors. I refuse to be gaslit by a nation. And more of us are standing up.
I appreciated this piece very much. It was timely, and I’m reading it at a time when I’m at an increased risk of going back to sleep. (Though I don’t actually think I will. It’s just the pull to the depths of denial is strong and has just been fed a gigantic series of all-you-can-eat meals).
I’m not grounded right now, but I do know what it feels like when I am. Thank goodness. I’m going to try and breathe into the shame of being in this dark place, going to breathe into the internal fear and terror, and try to hold on to the little shards of light that are connected to the relief that is forthcoming.