I’ve spent my life on defense. Every decision I have made was to avoid some bad thing. I’ve rarely made decisions for a better, fun or authentic life. That was a luxury I didn’t feel I had. I chose the safest route. I chose the approach that avoided risk. Why? I was wired for survival after my traumatic childhood. My primary survival skills were devoted to staying alive. There was no room for risk-taking. There was no room for fun. I just had to get from one day to the next and that was it. My traumatic childhood had given me one priority and I had to make it happen.
There are thousands of beliefs that made up these choices. But one is coming forward for me right now: my assumption that I am not as powerful as others. I have to choose the least risky path because if I end up in a power struggle, I am going to lose. When I look at this with my logical adult mind, I know it isn’t true, but I have some strong defenders who say it is. And they bring lots of fear to the forefront. It is paralyzing. It is sleep-depriving. It is anxiety-provoking. And I am tired of it. But that’s not how to release it. I must accept it and hear it out. So I do. I listen to the very real threats my parts endured. There were many, many threats against my life. I wish I could say that I can count them on one hand. But I cannot. I must hear out my defenders until they have shared what they need to share.
But I can see things starting to shift. I can see my interests in living a different kind of life starting to build. I can see my inner parts starting to consider another alternative. With every memory recovered, I see my adult perspective getting stronger. What does that perspective say? They are not stronger than me. I am stronger than them. When they bully me with their threats and nasty behavior, they are terrified. I am the one who is more grounded. I have learned my emotions and how to work with them. And I can make decisions from an adult place without my traumatic responses hijacking my actions. I am powerful in this life today. And I can take the offensive now. I have the power now. The abusers have disadvantages against me. And as I explore this new perspective, my adult self is telling me why.
I remember. I do believe that many abusers act from varying degrees of dissociation. In the case of my mother, I don’t think she remembers much. When she denies what she did, I think she consciously believes her denial. That keeps her from having to face what she has done and what was done to her. But it doesn’t help her in many other ways. I am the one with all the information. As my memories come back, I know everything. I know what she did. I know every abusive step she took. I know every abusive thing she said. I know every person who was involved. And she doesn’t. That gives me an advantage. I know the truth.
I am grounded. I will not attempt to claim that I am grounded all the time. As I write this, I can sense my controller trying to dissociate me because this blog post feels scary to some inner parts. But I am much more grounded than my abusers. That means I am far more connected to my intuitive wisdom. Intuition is superior to the mind. This is especially true when the mind is inundated with fear. But it’s true all the time. The mind copies what it has already done. It is based on limited information, most of which comes from a traumatic life. So I have the ability to be more creative. I can be more patient and wait for the right moments. I can take more subtle cues from my environment. And I can adjust to changes. These things are not available to my abusers.
I am an adult. When I am grounded, I am operating from an adult mind which can balance multiple perspectives and find a middle ground. My abusers are operating from their inner parts almost all the time. That means they are carrying varying degrees of fear which will often show up as extreme views. The decisions they make from these places are not good. They will do foolish things. They will sabotage themselves. They will use fear to guide their decisions. They will hate themselves. And I won’t.
My body is stronger. The trauma stored in the body will take its toll. It can slow people down. It can cause chronic pain. It can cause disease and eventually even lead to illness and death. As I have healed my emotions and traumatic memories, my body is stronger. While it might seem that only helps me in a brawl, it isn’t true. They will be dealing with their own health issues and that will impact their ability to have power over me. I won’t be consumed by issues with my physical health.
It is time to redefine power. It isn’t about money. It isn’t about age. It isn’t about who you know. It is about healing, emotional maturity and groundedness. The stronger we can stand in who we are, the more power we have. Abusive people are weak. They do not stand a chance against our grounded truth. They cannot use their fear against our strength. In all honesty, we terrify them. And that is okay with me. I look forward to taking my new place in my power. I look forward to taking the steps against the bullies who think they can scare me off with their threats. They don’t stand a chance against me. None of them stand a chance.