Dear Mother,
You turned me into a lot of things when I was a child. You projected all your horrible trauma on to me and made me your enemy. In reality, I was simply a child who wanted to be loved. I was your child and I wanted your protection. I wanted to feel safe. I was a little kid with no ability to stop the horrific experiences happening to me. I was doing what I had to do to survive. But to you, I was a lot of things. And all those things were wrong. It left me with a deep sense of shame. It left me with a belief that nobody would ever understand me or see me for who I was. Deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t those things. But you kept showing me repeatedly that you disagreed. So I have had to spend years finding the truth. I have wasted years on these lies. And honestly, I am furious. What were those lies?
I was the other woman. Yes mother. You were sick enough to make an 8-year-old into your competition. I get that you were horribly sexually abused, and you were operating from your parts who were also 8 years old. But it was your responsibility to straighten that shit out. You were not supposed to turn me into the other woman who was ruining a full-grown woman’s relationship with a full-grown man. There was nothing about this situation I wanted. I wanted parents. I did not want a love triangle. I did not want to compete over a sexual relationship I never consented to. And I certainly did not want this mindset. I don’t want to live a life where I always believe I am only good enough for a side-chick role. No thanks. I want to value myself more than that. You can have the pedophiles. I don’t want them.
I was a financial contributor. I am a financial contributor now. I am an adult and I am supposed to be one. Actually, I am the only one because my unconscious crappy thoughts (from you) won’t let me attract a reasonable partner yet. But as a child, I was never meant to pay your fucking bills. I wasn’t supposed to be “working” at 10 years old. I was not supposed to be sold to make ends meet. I know my dad did a good job of ruining your life and your financial situation. You married an asshole so that’s on you. But you also seemed to have plenty of space on the credit cards for all those clothes for your dates. It was not my job to make you financially solvent. You pimped me out to “make ends meet” and told me it was my job. And you filled my head with beliefs about the evil side of money and working for a living. But I won’t let that nonsense stop me from financial success now. And my kids won’t know what it’s like to be sold.
I was in the way of your social life. There is nobody who knows more about what it is like to have a social life stopped by their children. I have been a single mother for 11 years and it is hard to get out into the world. You were a single mother for a short time because you were desperate to find that next loser. And boy did you find some losers. But it was the ultimate cruelty to treat me like I was in the way of your life and a symbol of your failed marriage. Selling me served two purposes, didn’t it? You made money and I was out of the picture. I was gone. You were putting me in harm’s way to get back at my pedophile of a father! You are so sick. You taught me that I was nothing more than a pawn in your life. You filled my mind with unworthiness because the only person who is supposed to love me would rather send me away to horrific situations. I have had to admit to myself that you would have been okay with my death. That’s a horrible thing to have to admit. But I refuse to let that mean I was unworthy. You are a horrible person. I am not.
I was the guarantor in your relationships. Things sure did backfire on you, didn’t they? You treated me like a piece of meat and all of a sudden, there was a man in the picture. He looked great on paper. He made good money. He was a military man and they always look good to the rest of the world. He was willing to pay off all your debt. What an incredible business deal you had found! A savior at last! And I was a part of the package. You needed my cooperation because let’s face it, he wasn’t really that into you. He was into me. And I was pissed because you basically tried to kill me off. But you hadn’t told him that, had you? You pretended to be the perfect little mother. And you needed me to play along. You needed me to make him happy. He would have never stayed for you. You knew it. And you hated me for it. But you also couldn’t hate me because you needed him. What a conundrum you were in! You lost your power. You were now reliant on me, a furious pre-teen who wanted to kill you. You sure know how to make a mess of things. But that’s what you do. You make a mess of everything. You always have. I cooperated long enough for you to hook the pedophile into marriage. He threatened me with homelessness up until that point. But I got older and I fought back. Now you are both stuck with each other and I am OUT! I hope you are as miserable as I know you are. You are sneaking behind his back spending all his money and he is sitting around watching child porn. You hate each other and I know it. But you must hate him less than me since you chose him when I told the truth. And I am fine with that. I am building a real life with no pedophiles in it: a life you never had.
I was never meant to be a convenience for you. I was not meant to be a pawn in your game. I was not meant to be a way for you to gain financial security. I was a child. But you were not a mother. You were a pimp. You were a torturer. You were a massive obstacle for a child who had big plans for her life. You brainwashed me for a while. But I said NO! I will not be taught that I am unworthy of a good life. You do NOT win! You don’t get the upper hand in this life. You chose wrong. And now, you have to live with that. I made different choices. I get to have kids that love me. I get to have kids that give me hugs even when they are 13 (it really does happen). I get to have a peaceful house where nobody is beaten or threatened or raped or screamed at. I will get a real partnership with a real man. These are the dreams I had when I would dissociate into my fantasy land (although there were also unicorns). And I get to have that (maybe not the unicorns). You didn’t stop that. And you never will.
Beth
It kills me when I read about children who were sexually abused by adults who are still on the street instead of rotting in jail. And the fact that they’re not is an absolute disgrace. We need to do more to save the children from these monsters.
Absolutely! Don’t even get me started about the changes that need to be made to the legal system to support survivors of childhood abuse. There are so many things that need to change.
You are an inspiration to so many. Thank you 🙏
Thank you Moira!
What a powerful letter! More of these truths. I’m thankful that you’re sharing these letters to your mother. We have to be honest with ourselves about the many ways in which our parents abused us and failed us.
It has definitely been a new round of truth coming forward in a new way. I’m glad it helps others too.
Love how you signed Beth. And Beth, you are an inspiration. Only someone who was THAT eat up by someome who was supposed to build her up cud understand what it’s like growing up in quicksand. Thank you for your love, I sight and sharing!
Thank you Leora!!
My life too 🙁 wish I could say it wasn’t.
I feel your pain. And no one knows the power, work, and determination it takes to rise above those experiences….it takes a lifetime (I think) although it gets better and better.
The easy way out would have been to repeat what has previously been committed. What has previously been passed down. That would be easy. Reacting from pain is easy.
The real strength, courage and power comes from making a concerted effort to change the past. Change the responses. Change the choices. Choose differently. That is real power.
Power is not about controlling others, abusing others, dominating others.
Real power is making choices that honour and respect other people by choosing from integrity and values. So although we may have been victims as children, we are now empowered adults transforming the backpacks of crap handed down to us from the past.
Kudos and much love to you, Elisabeth for the strength and courage you inspire in others!
Thank you Wendy! Beautifully said! It is much more challenging to step out of these patterns. It requires us to watch our minds, our bodies, our emotional responses and re-direct ourselves. So difficult and so worth it.
Wow. What you have gone through and what you have done with it!! You should be so proud. I had an abusive childhood as well and have done a lifetime of inner work and healing but still somedays get sad about all that i missed out on in my life bc of my trauma and coping mechanisms. You know what’s it’s like too to spend a lifetime undoing one 🙁
Thank you Amanda! I do know what it’s like. I am glad you are sticking with this hard work.
Hell Yeah, Tell it! Fuck, yes!! Pardon my french! You are incredibly inspiring.
Thank you!!!!
I love that you pointed out that mom chose wrong! And she’s having to live with those decisions, and my no contact with her, as a result of choosing to side with her husband instead of listening to her daughter. She is choosing to miss this. It has nothing to do with me.
Yes! She chose! Thank you.
I had shivers don’t my spine while reading this. I am a survivor too, but your story of abuse at a whole other level. I do not understand how all the people involved haven’t been locked down. I am so sorry you’ve had to go through so much, and I am grateful for the incredible leader and inspiration you have become. You are beyond strong – your journey is the journey of a hero. Thank you for your heart and your light.
Thank you so much Cynthia!!
Beth,
Be encouraged!
Fearlessly, be yourself!
Your mothers programming, lost out, with you and your 2 children…
Let it all end, with you and them.
Several things, that struck me about your story, that I can relate to…
I met my ex wife in 12 step group 21 years ago…
It took a turn for the worse, as she left recovery, 18 years ago and began blaming me / making constant unfounded accusations…
Therein lies, how much I identify with your story about your mother…
Acting / Being irresponsible / Childish!
Blame shifting!
Failing to take personal responsibility!
She, just as you, (As I also did) have all had a choice, to just pass it on, or fearlessly, go thru the pain of recovery, to get well…
My ex and her sister, were molested and trafficked by her mother and step father, in their basement.
My ex wifes mother did many provocative things like going to a bar and getting pregnant.
This increased the drama / crazy making / chaos around her father, who would become angry and beat my ex as an adolescent / teen…
Before me, my ex married, a now convicted child pornographer / alcoholic / cocaine addict, twice.
Her sister, married a pedophile that molested her adolescent, son and daughter….
You and your children, have been blessed to not repeat your mother’s (generational) pattern…
Safety
Peace of mind.
You are learning to Love yourself and your children and how to trust others, in much healthier ways!!!
I was in court, multiple times, to protect my son from abuse.
This took the form of many court orders, visits by DCFS and local police…
She retaliated by moving 200 miles away, practicing blame shifting / parental alienation syndrome and stealing the last 7 years of Adam and my time together, by not showing up for court ordered visits…
Adam, our son, just turned 18 in September and is finally, safe now.
He is leaving (this week) for US Marine boot camp, in San Diego…
Please know, Beth, I (and others)are praying for you and your children’s continued, peace of mind, health and safety.
I further hope, God is preparing a man worthy of the Love and trust of the 3 of you, as each of you are becoming ready, as well…
One last thing, my ex wife had an emotionally (not sexually deviant / bizarre relationship with her first son), Ariel…
Again, I relate to your story, as her son and I were placed in direct competition, as my ex substituted her son as a surrogate spouse (with her first and second husband / I was the third).
She was not sleeping with him, but they both had horrible boundaries, together and with others which led to a very melodramatic / provocative relationship / can of worms…
He had an absentee father, so she put him into roles (emotionally, boundaries, family leadership, etc…) he was not designed / intended for…
Be well, Dear Beth!
Know that you are Loved and prayed for by many here!
You are an inspiration, that it did not break your spirit!
Your resilience, strength and vulnerability serves as a light in the darkness for me.
Your story is inspiring and is being used as hope and encouragement by others here…
Redemption
Hope, for others, from the Evil, Pain and Shame of your childhood…
How would I contact you more directly?
A possible counseling / discussion / private emails, phone calls, video chats or text?
Sincerely,
Paul Agronomoff