Dear Mother,

You turned me into a lot of things when I was a child.  You projected all your horrible trauma on to me and made me your enemy.  In reality, I was simply a child who wanted to be loved.  I was your child and I wanted your protection.  I wanted to feel safe.  I was a little kid with no ability to stop the horrific experiences happening to me.  I was doing what I had to do to survive.  But to you, I was a lot of things.  And all those things were wrong.  It left me with a deep sense of shame.  It left me with a belief that nobody would ever understand me or see me for who I was.  Deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t those things.  But you kept showing me repeatedly that you disagreed.  So I have had to spend years finding the truth.  I have wasted years on these lies.  And honestly, I am furious.  What were those lies?

I was the other woman.  Yes mother.  You were sick enough to make an 8-year-old into your competition.  I get that you were horribly sexually abused, and you were operating from your parts who were also 8 years old.  But it was your responsibility to straighten that shit out.  You were not supposed to turn me into the other woman who was ruining a full-grown woman’s relationship with a full-grown man.  There was nothing about this situation I wanted.  I wanted parents.  I did not want a love triangle.  I did not want to compete over a sexual relationship I never consented to.  And I certainly did not want this mindset.  I don’t want to live a life where I always believe I am only good enough for a side-chick role.  No thanks.  I want to value myself more than that.  You can have the pedophiles.  I don’t want them.

I was a financial contributor.  I am a financial contributor now.  I am an adult and I am supposed to be one.  Actually, I am the only one because my unconscious crappy thoughts (from you) won’t let me attract a reasonable partner yet.  But as a child, I was never meant to pay your fucking bills.  I wasn’t supposed to be “working” at 10 years old.  I was not supposed to be sold to make ends meet.  I know my dad did a good job of ruining your life and your financial situation.  You married an asshole so that’s on you.  But you also seemed to have plenty of space on the credit cards for all those clothes for your dates.  It was not my job to make you financially solvent.  You pimped me out to “make ends meet” and told me it was my job.  And you filled my head with beliefs about the evil side of money and working for a living.  But I won’t let that nonsense stop me from financial success now.  And my kids won’t know what it’s like to be sold.

I was in the way of your social life.  There is nobody who knows more about what it is like to have a social life stopped by their children.  I have been a single mother for 11 years and it is hard to get out into the world.  You were a single mother for a short time because you were desperate to find that next loser.  And boy did you find some losers.  But it was the ultimate cruelty to treat me like I was in the way of your life and a symbol of your failed marriage.  Selling me served two purposes, didn’t it?  You made money and I was out of the picture.  I was gone.  You were putting me in harm’s way to get back at my pedophile of a father!  You are so sick.  You taught me that I was nothing more than a pawn in your life.  You filled my mind with unworthiness because the only person who is supposed to love me would rather send me away to horrific situations.  I have had to admit to myself that you would have been okay with my death.  That’s a horrible thing to have to admit.  But I refuse to let that mean I was unworthy.  You are a horrible person.  I am not.

I was the guarantor in your relationships.  Things sure did backfire on you, didn’t they?  You treated me like a piece of meat and all of a sudden, there was a man in the picture.  He looked great on paper.  He made good money.  He was a military man and they always look good to the rest of the world.  He was willing to pay off all your debt.  What an incredible business deal you had found!  A savior at last!  And I was a part of the package.  You needed my cooperation because let’s face it, he wasn’t really that into you.  He was into me.  And I was pissed because you basically tried to kill me off.  But you hadn’t told him that, had you?  You pretended to be the perfect little mother.  And you needed me to play along.  You needed me to make him happy.  He would have never stayed for you.  You knew it.  And you hated me for it.  But you also couldn’t hate me because you needed him.  What a conundrum you were in!  You lost your power.  You were now reliant on me, a furious pre-teen who wanted to kill you.  You sure know how to make a mess of things.  But that’s what you do.  You make a mess of everything.  You always have.  I cooperated long enough for you to hook the pedophile into marriage.  He threatened me with homelessness up until that point.  But I got older and I fought back.  Now you are both stuck with each other and I am OUT!  I hope you are as miserable as I know you are.  You are sneaking behind his back spending all his money and he is sitting around watching child porn.  You hate each other and I know it.  But you must hate him less than me since you chose him when I told the truth.  And I am fine with that.  I am building a real life with no pedophiles in it: a life you never had.

I was never meant to be a convenience for you.  I was not meant to be a pawn in your game.  I was not meant to be a way for you to gain financial security.  I was a child.  But you were not a mother.  You were a pimp.  You were a torturer.  You were a massive obstacle for a child who had big plans for her life.  You brainwashed me for a while.  But I said NO!  I will not be taught that I am unworthy of a good life.  You do NOT win!  You don’t get the upper hand in this life.  You chose wrong.  And now, you have to live with that.  I made different choices.  I get to have kids that love me.  I get to have kids that give me hugs even when they are 13 (it really does happen).  I get to have a peaceful house where nobody is beaten or threatened or raped or screamed at.  I will get a real partnership with a real man.  These are the dreams I had when I would dissociate into my fantasy land (although there were also unicorns).  And I get to have that (maybe not the unicorns).  You didn’t stop that.  And you never will.