As the quarantined weeks add up, our inner worlds can get a bit intense. It isn’t that the content changes much, but it gets louder and louder every day. And while we might try to ignore it, the best thing we can do now is to hear ourselves out. We have a lot more to say than we think. So today, I am giving you an example of what it sounds like in my head as I navigate this new world. I am doing this partly because I know it helps people to see this. I am also doing this because it is about all I can muster today. Here’s what my parts have to say.
Controller
I have to get on top of this thing. It is too uncontrollable and I need to be prepared for anything to happen. I must stay ahead of it as best I can. I don’t want to be caught without the knowledge and supplies I need to get through. I have to find the toilet paper and the pet supplies. I need to spend all my free time searching through the news to make sure I know what is going on. If this thing gets worse, I need to know it’s coming. I need to know before others know. I must always be ahead of the game.
On another note, I need to be working harder. I am wasting too much time. I should be using every spare moment to get more work done. This is an opportunity to create more workshops and products. I should be working harder than ever before. This is no time for downtime. I need to stop watching that stupid show and get more done. Everyone will want to know what I did during the quarantine and I need to have something to show for it. And I need to post about it on social media so people know I am not just sitting around. There’s no real trauma here. It is a time to shine.
Freedom Fighter
I will NOT do what they say. They can’t tell me what to do. They can’t hold me in this God-forsaken place all day long. I am tired of this neighborhood. I have to get away. I have to escape. I have to travel the world and meet people. I cannot sit here day after day after day serving my children and working and watching TV. And God help me if I have to make one more damn meal. This is misery. This is not life. I might as well die instead of living such a completely ridiculous life. I am imprisoned and controlled by this virus, by the world and by my own system. I am tired of living this way. I won’t answer to anyone.
Mean Kid
This entire world is a fucking lost cause! What a bunch of bullshit! What a bunch of idiots! I can’t even deal with this horrible, God-forsaken planet! I will not be a part of this ridiculous circus! What a joke! I am so done with all of it!
Love Seeker
I can’t do this on my own! I need someone to help me. I don’t have what it takes. I can’t make it without help. Someone has to help me. I will never be able to get through this without help. I can’t be alone all the time. It is moments like these that the abandoned ones are unable to survive. Chaos puts us in danger, don’t you understand? We have to find someone. We have to find anyone who can help us now and keep us safe in this dangerous place at this dangerous time. I need my savior.
Isolator
This is perfect! This is exactly what we need! Don’t you think this is perfect?
Thank you for mustering! It’s super helpful.
Thank you Rae!
I love this vulnerable share, Elisabeth! Thank you for posting – I resonate with these voices, too!
Thank you Jordann!
Wow. Are you sure you’re not in my head?
It is good to know we aren’t alone sometimes.
I’m so glad you posted this! It is reassuring to know I am not alone.
I’ve been hearing a lot of chatter, too. And, it doesn’t always help that my husband’s controller is an overachiever and totally echoes my own contoller. (God, what is it with toilet paper…and supplies?)
Now I think writing it out might be really helpful. Maybe then I could focus on what each one is saying, rather than just trying to drown them out. ??
You know I won’t disagree with you about that one. 🙂
Oh yes, I have had all these conversations in my head. I am so sick of it all. I want the world to be normal again. It is weird how “doing nothing” can be so exhausting. I just bought a second refrigerator for my garage so we don’t run out of food! I think I am constantly in fight or flight and don’t even know it. I can’t even calm down enough to write about how I feel.
It is not an easy time to write. I am having to work extra hard at it and you know how much I love to write.
Ha ! — Identified with this blog this time. That is what my brain has been doing too. It’s going back and forth have totally opposing thoughts about this situation. I didn’t even realise until I read this. I’m feeling like things are okay and then I get upset. There is no one with me to know I’m changeable like this, but I know it. One minute I’m fine where I am because have enough food and some other things. The next I’m thinking that I hope this doesn’t last too much longer and feeling panic. I try to control the days by putting a schedule for myself in place and then give up on it and decide it would be better to do something else. I start thinking about the fact that I need to get out of here because I have things have to do. (And I do since I haven’t gotten taxes to the preparers yet. Did my part and now getting things to them is not happening. I know that taxes have been extended, but I worry like that. Why do I worry when that was extended to July?) Sometimes I’m like, “Oh no! this is the new normal.” I know it’s not, but that goes through my mind. I remember that Dr Amen mentions the ANTS when he was on TV – the automatic negative thoughts and how you can’t trust them and you have to question them. I think everyone does a little of that kind of thing. However, if lived through an extended time when young where were neglected and abused, then your mind tends to stress as an automatic response. You feel more threatened than others who had a more even childhood and could count on the adults in life. It’s like having a horribly stressful childhood sets you up to not trust. You try to be positive, but then you automatically anticipate bad things. You want to make everything okay so you act like it is and one part of you believes that. When you face a trigger, you go back to fear or anger or just plain stress. Then a trigger sets you off thinking that all is lost. This situation now is a big trigger for the whole world, but those who had a good childhood weather the storm better than those who couldn’t figure out what was going to go wrong next.
You are right that it is worse for those of us with complex trauma. The triggers from these experiences bring up all our old responses and survival strategies. It can be good for bringing awareness to them, but it makes it hard to calm down.
Who told you my thoughts?
This is so validation, thank you for sharing.
It really is amazing how similar our thoughts can be.