I hear it often from my clients. “I’m quiet.” “I’ve always been an introvert.” “I just don’t have much to say.” “I used to talk too much but I matured, and I don’t do that anymore.” There seems to be a general acceptance among survivors of trauma that their tendency not to express is coming from their inherent personality. Or at least, they believe it is a choice they are making. But I have trouble believing that. I have an introverted daughter and she is never short on words. Sure, she recharges with her alone time (with cats of course), but I’m an extrovert, and I do that too. Sure, she likes to think about things before she speaks. But when she speaks, it is prolific. She can even give a pretty awesome middle school presentation when she has no other choice. So I think we have been told a big fat lie. And I think I know why.
There is nothing that scares an oppressor more than a “talker”. And they are on the lookout for them. They are born with a certain something. I can see it when I meet a very young child who has not been oppressed yet. They have so much to say. They are curious beyond measure. They are creative. They don’t care how the world has always done it. They don’t know what it means to conform. And for an abusive person, they are a tough nut to crack. They are a danger to a family who needs to keep a huge secret. And to be honest, there is jealousy. There may be something in this child that others have lost in their own traumatic experiences. I can see the intolerance in people. They say, “Wow. She’s going to be trouble. You are going to struggle to contain this one.”
And that’s just it. The problem isn’t with this child. The problem is with the containment. Why the hell are we attempt to contain them? Well, I knew the answer to that one before I asked it. So what do abusive families need to do with children like this? They need to program them, brainwash them, gaslight them and confuse them. And they need to do it with more fervor and consistency than with other children. They may even need to do it well into adulthood (but often in subtler ways). So they start to build a story about who the child is. And this can go in two directions.
First, they may choose to gaslight the child to believe they are entirely different than they are. They will constantly shut down their expression with invalidation and aggression. Then they will tell them they are a quiet child. They will say they are introverted. They will keep reiterating how they really don’t say much. They use this often with outsiders to try to explain the oppression happening beneath the surface. Eventually, the child will come to see themselves this way even if it doesn’t make any sense. They lose the ability to express and stand up for themselves. But they excuse it as a personality trait. Deep down, they will know the truth. And they hate themselves for it.
Second, the family may go in the opposite direction. They will acknowledge the tendency to talk, but never in a positive way. Strong emotions will be labeled as volatile and unstable, even demonic. If the child stands up for themselves, they will be labeled as difficult and less “good” than other children. They will be compared to other children in negative ways. “Why can’t you be more like this other child who is quiet and conforming?” If the child talks often, they will be labeled as talkative and unruly and difficult to tolerate. Abusers will tell others how the child talks nonsense too. “They can’t be believed. They are not credible.” In the end, they will be shamed repeatedly because of who they are. While the child still may acknowledge their outgoing nature, they will acknowledge it with shame and humiliation. And they hate themselves for it.
That’s how they want it. They want to take the biggest threats and destroy their self worth. They want the outgoing, the optimistic, and the world-changers to feel shameful and hopeless. This has nothing to do with extroversion or introversion. It is about children who refuse to accept the lies. If they are full of shame and hopelessness about who they are, they will never rise up. They will never say, “Enough is enough!” They will never tell others about what is happening to them. If the world stays the same, the oppressors stay in charge.
One of the biggest questions survivors ask is “Why did this happen to me?” And I get it. We have to ask the question even though there is no real answer to it. There is nothing we can know with absolute assuredness. We can discuss the generational trauma. We can talk about what that does to mental health. We can discuss how it is not our fault. It definitely isn’t. But what would happen if we turned the story upside down? What if we could respond to our intense shame with a different question? For a long time we have asked, “What is wrong with me?” But take a minute to consider another perspective, a more empowering question.
“What intimidates them about me?”
“How do I scare them?”
Dear Elizabeth,
Your words cut like a knife through me. The truth is so impactful. Painful but in a Good, knowing way.
Thank you!
With Tears in my eyes and awry smile for Being So Understood!! Xoxo
Thank you!
Wow!
This piece is amazing.
I had never looked at this topic quite this way. I think I’ve just had an epiphany!
Thank you.
Thank you Barbara! I am so glad it helped you.
When my teacher reported back to my parents of how I’d been so lively, chatty, and spontaneous on a school outing, I was mocked badly when I got home. From that moment on (much to the puzzlement of all the teachers that taught me after that) I became virtually mute at school. That episode is so clear in my mind – even 50 years on.
Wow Olive! That is exactly what I am talking about. It is so devious.
Beautiful as always. Yes! Now that I have a talkative, inquisitive and curious son… I get it. It’s a “threat” to those who want to keep secrets. And yet… I didn’t get completely shut down. I’m rising up.
I am so glad you are rising up!
OMG! Thank you so much! This could not have come at a better time! I am currently off work due to recreating my childhood in my work environment. I have a gaslighting, passive aggressive, invalidating coworker who makes every attempt at shutting me down.
He used to lock my office door every time I went to another part of the office. He would move and change file names so that I could not find them. He would hide keys when he knew I was looking for them. Even when I list these things it seems crazy making! And it is!! I literally would feel like I was going crazy.
I now realize that this was a mirror of my childhood experience in an attempt to resolve all these old issues.
I am currently on stress leave as Human Resources attempts to investigate. The biggest challenge has been that I am required to provide proof/evidence, yet when the actions are so covert and passive aggressive it becomes extremely challenging to ‘prove’.
This was also my experience in childhood – I was told “no one will believe you, you are crazy, you make up stories, you have such a vivid imagination”.
Luckily I now have my superior at work who also experienced some of my coworker’s gaslighting and crazy making so I now do not feel alone.
I still don’t know the outcome. Coming forward and saying “Enough is enough” was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Everything you stated resonates! Now I have intense fear of now being believed and HR will be meeting with me next week to inform me of their findings.
I know that much of these feelings are ‘old’. I was a talkative child and I was told that if I said anything to people they would not believe me. People would think I was crazy!
All this is coming up for me again now! It is so hard.
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone!
You are not alone! No matter what the outcome is, know that you did the right thing by standing up for yourself.
I totally get it ! Thank you for validating me !!
Sending love & light
Thank you Melinda!
Wow, thank you so much, Elizabeth. I spent 33 years thinking I was an introvert, and only in the past few months has it occurred to me that lately the company of people, new people especially, is what “charges” me. The many, many times I’ve felt the need to hide from the world and stay home alone “safe” have been out of fear, because so many people had hurt me before.
It’s a weird feeling of displacement. Like, when I was 4 years old and spontaneously inviting my fellow kindergartners to join me for a pretend picnic on my scarf, and was mocked for that, from that moment on I was displaced onto another planet where I am “shy” and “quiet” and “difficult”. Now, that I’ve worked through my traumas and am no longer triggered on a daily basis by tiny everyday events, and nasty people can no longer win at their quest to destroy me, it seems I have been allowed to move back to my original planet, on which I’m chatty, curious about other people and outgoing. Yay! 🙂
It feels weird though. I’m one of those extroverts now. I haven’t processed it yet.
It can feel really weird to be ourselves after so long. I hope you enjoy your new found company.
Nora: when I read about your picnic with your scarf for the blanket I smiled and thought, “As. That’s cute.” Thanks for sharing such an endearing anecdote.
I’m often surprised at myself when I get so talkative. Because where does it come from? I am not like that? This is not me! It took me a while to realize I am me when I talk. Only my talkative moments are so incoherent and all over the place the things I say don’t make sense. But that is me finding my voice, that is me healing. Now that I am physically getting better (turns out I have an auto-immune disease), I have finally really started the healing process. I know I still have a while to go, but I’m not dead yet so I have time to learn. About me, about the world, about life. Thank you for your words Elisabeth, because they teach me how to be more of me.
I am so glad you are finding your voice. It can feel a bit wonky at first, but with practice, you will say it beautifully.
Thank you for speaking up and for sharing your insights with us, Elisabeth.