This past week, I have been inundated with fear. This isn’t the fear from my inner children like you might think. This is a fear coming from my defenders. They are terrified of the repercussions of my latest actions. They believe I am “too big for my britches” (my mother’s favorite phrase). They know I am going to end up with a massive catastrophic failure as a result of my boldness. They sit in a contract with my family and cannot imagine that anything positive will come from breaking it. It is a jail I was never meant to escape. And I will go down.
This is not my first experience with paralyzing fear from my inner parts. It is quite common. It is one of the most prevalent emotions in our system. But it can still get me. There are layers of fear and they can all express in different ways. And the fear can show up in some highly confusing ways. Even the most seasoned recovery journeyers can get caught off guard. So let’s talk about some of the challenges when it comes to fear.
Fear comes in layers. Believe it or not, the most debilitating fear in our systems doesn’t come from the inner children. Even though they experienced horrific things, their fear will flow and shake through the system like an animal who has just been chased. The bigger problem is in the blocks to that fear. The defenders hold fear of the fear. That means the inner child fear pushes up against defender fear. It is like an ocean wave hitting a brick wall instead of slowly melting into the sand. It sends jolts through the system. It can leave us completely paralyzed. And if we don’t see what is happening, we will assume this is all one fear and run far away from it.
The dissociative response to fear is instantaneous. Our defenders deploy the most powerful defenses to keep the fear away. This means that dissociation is intense when our fear is triggered. Not only do we have layers of fear, but we have a layer of dissociation on top of it. This makes it even harder to see the original fear caused by the trigger. And that dissociation will numb out the fear response leaving us numb and confused about what just happened.
The body has confusing reactions. When fear slams into fear and dissociation is strong, the body is left holding the bag. The body responses can take so many forms. Some can look like fear, but most don’t. The stomach can start to hurt as the inner battle wages. We can even get nauseas. We can start to have dissociative responses like dizziness and light-headedness. We can begin experiencing anxiety or depression as a way to quell the fear in the system. And none of these responses point to fear directly. So the confusion mounts.
The mind makes it about now. The worst part about the mind is how it works to divert us from the real issue. The mind is run by the controller and its job is to keep us off the trail to the real story. This often happens by interpreting past emotions as about now. When I have fear from the past, my mind sounds like this. “I will never get everything done. My son is going to fail that class and then everyone will see what a loser I am. I am not feeding my kids enough vegetables. How am I going to get everything done today? There is too much. I am too tired. It isn’t possible. I just want a break. I am procrastinating and I am going to pay for that. I just wish everything wasn’t so hard.” These statements don’t just happen once. They happen fast and repetitively. That is the mind on fear.
Our abusers knew how to use it against us. One of the most powerful tools our abusers had against us was our own fear. They knew how to create a long-lasting fear response through constant fear reinforcement. They made us believe they had magical powers, higher powers and people everywhere backing them up. They did this in countless ways. But in the end, our child minds believed they were more powerful than the weak child abusers they really were. We may have believed they were aware of what we were doing even when they could not have known. Even when we grow up and move away, there may be a lingering feeling they are watching. But this lives in the unconscious with most of what the abusers said. So we don’t know we are living with beliefs from our deep-seated fears until we dig deep.
How do we unravel this maze that is our fear response? We have to take it one layer at a time. We must watch how our system is triggered and what happens. We start by seeing the dissociation and working to counter it with grounding. We work with the defensive fear and how that is manifesting. We write from our defenders who are terrified to let the truth come through. Only then can we get to the core fear from our traumatic experiences. But with each layer, we heal. And with each layer, we start to shift our lives in powerful ways. The fear leaves and we find freedom.
Wow! Thank you Elizabeth. Truly enlightening.
The NAUSEA keeps coming in waves and I can never seem to pinpoint what it is related to, what is the feeling? what is triggering it?
It seems to move faster than the speed of light because as soon as I bring my attention to it, it moves or disappears making it extremely challenging to work with. It is even challenging to locate it in my body, except that it seems to begin in my abdomen.
Sometimes I just wish to get sick and get it over with but there is a block there. No matter how hard I try to stay with it, allow it enough so that it can move through me. It shifts, changes on me.
I didn’t know it may be connected with fear – so at least that is a start.
It sounds like you have a sneaky defender shutting it down. Listen for any messages that might be saying you aren’t allowed to access or connect with it. Also, keep grounding when it goes away. That might bring it back. Defenders rely on dissociation to keep it hidden.
I have been enjoying your blog and learning a lot. I have one question … not about this particular blog but about the methods you use. Much of your wording REMINDS me of IFS (Internal Family Systems) work. The terms are not the same (it uses Self, exiles, protectors and concerned parts) but I find it very similar to your ‘defenders’, etc. Could you please explain more about who/what the “Controller” is, or point me to something I could read. The word flashes out at me as I have a part called the Controller, but I think using your terminology, it is a defender. Any assistance would be appreciated. Thanks.
Hi Cyndi, My work is similar to IFS in many ways. I developed this methodology before I knew about IFS based on my own personal experiences. The controller is basically the leader of the defenders so you are correct in your understanding. Here are a couple of links to blogs about the controller. I also write about the parts in my book, One Voice. And I have live streams about the controller on my Facebook page too. Just go to videos and search the word “controller” for the spotlight.
https://beatingtrauma.com/2019/01/09/managing-the-controller/
https://beatingtrauma.com/2018/05/30/the-controllers-power/
Dear Elizabeth, thank you, you write with such insight and clarity regarding the complexities of your experience of fear in its various expressions.
Fear has been a fierce enemy in my experience. I cannot begin to write with the clarity you have done here. I am hoping to develop more and more self-compassion and self-respect at this place in my healing. I had a fear challenge recently about my dwindling finances and the shame of finding myself destitute. Fortunately, a cheque I was expecting came in a number of days early. Guess what presto the fear vanished. I have such deep insecurity about ever becoming destitute and homeless.
That is a huge fear for so many of us. In childhood, homelessness was equivalent to death. And those fears still sit in the system. I have spent quite a bit of time in the financial panic.
Dear Elisabeth,
My fear comes through in the form of rage. What can I do to make it stop? Thanks, Nora
The most important thing we can do with rage is to express it in writing and physically so that it can release. As we release the rage, the true emotions that the rage is hiding can come through for healing.
During my both pregnancies I suffered from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (morning sickness). I was in and out of hospital.I need to mention that my first pregnancy was miscarried and went without morning sicknesses! After decade I found that Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a symptom of PTSD, very strong dissociation and in connection with oxytocin. I believe that in my childhood I had very low level of it as my mother was very cold and cruel. It is like I found new puzzle to explain what happened. I feel like I’m not aware how big impact my trauma has on my life..
Thank you Elisabeth because you opened my eyes on this issue. You help me so much! I determine to know who I am. I stay here for longer. Big hugs!
Hi Joanna, I know you are right about that. I was never severe enough to be diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum but I had horrible nausea throughout my entire pregnancy. I think pregnancy stirs up all the trauma living in the body and can create so many physical manifestations.
“It is a jail I was never meant to escape. And I will go down.”
That’s familiar.
“They made us believe they had magical powers, higher powers and people everywhere backing them up.”
Also very familiar.