I have been on this recovery journey for a while now.  I have tried many approaches over the years.  But for the past 10 years, I have taken myself to new unconscious depths and traveled through a world I had no idea existed.  It has been painful and educational and scary and amazing.  I have discovered so much about who I am.  I am helping others discover who they are.  Even with all this work, I found myself in a very familiar place during the past two weeks.  But I forgot it was familiar … again.  I decided to bring you my story so you don’t miss the signs when it happens to you.  But let’s be honest.  You probably will because we all miss the signs.  And that’s okay.

Two weeks ago, I experienced a physical and energetic shift.  This happens often with this work.  Our memories are stored in the body.  The body must let them go if they are to be released.  Most of these releases are minor.  Many are barely noticeable.  These shifts can happen almost anywhere in my body from my hip to my arm.  They feel like a muscle is slightly letting go with some energetic movement afterwards.  I usually brace myself for the emotions and flashbacks that follow.  But I knew I was in trouble the minute I felt this one.  Why?  It was in my heart.

I was not wrong to be concerned.  The following day was okay, but by the weekend it was ugly.  I was hit with one of the most intense bouts with futility I have had in a long time.  I knew what caused it.  I knew there was probably a memory associated with it.  I knew it was not about right now, but I could barely function.  I wrote and wrote and wrote and somehow pulled myself through.  But none of my plans came to fruition.  My controller was not happy.  So they took over.  This is where things got really ugly.

The controller started in their normal way.  They numbed me out, but not too much because they know I notice these things.  They turned up my mind to manic level, making lists and planning for the worse.  They increased the worrying and self criticism, making sure my focus was on nonexistent financial problems and what-if scenarios.  They shifted my sleeping patterns so I was getting about half of my normal sleep.  And they stopped me from going to the gym.  They knew better than to let my body move.  They played their recovery mind games too.  Suddenly I was convinced I was done with memory recovery.  I thought the end of recovery was upon me.  By the end of the week, my productivity was at about 50% of its normal level.

And I didn’t see it … until I saw it.

This weekend, I saw the patterns.  I pulled back hard on the thinking and took some time to rest.  I realized I had been completely inundated with defenses without knowing it.  Yes.  Me.  The coach who teaches others how to recognize their defenses was completely blindsided.  My controller got me.  And they stole a week I won’t get back.  So I want to bring these key signs to you today.  Here is what to look for in your journey to find your defenses.  Here is what the controller will do to avoid recovery.

  1. They will numb you and convince you it is so much better this way. Why feel when you can be numb?
  2. They will turn your mind into a chaotic, manic mess. They will inundate you with lists, hyper-vigilant planning and obsessive thinking about the past.
  3. They will remove sleep, rest and free time by overwhelming you with all the things that must be done instead.
  4. They will ensure you do not move your body in any significant way. If you exercise regularly, it will suddenly be reduced without explanation.
  5. They will convince you there is nothing to see in your recovery even when you are pretty sure that can’t be true.

Take it from me.  These are signs that your system is locking down, putting up walls and preparing for a nuclear winter.  There is something below the surface.  There is something brewing.  I am sure your controller has kept you from taking in this information, but read it several times, print it and watch for the signs.  Will you still fall for it?  Yes.  You absolutely will.  But armed with this bit of conscious information, you will lose less time wrapped up in your defenses.  And knowing I can help you with that makes me feel better about my lost week.