Our cat died this week. She actually passed on Easter Sunday. She didn’t pick the best day. After 14 years of life, she might have been a little more considerate than to choose a holiday. This isn’t about me though. It is about the kids. I was not her biggest fan. She was supposed to be my ex’s cat. He adopted her when we were together. And like everything and everyone else, she was left behind. She became just another symbol of abandonment. And she played the part well. She scratched up one piece of expensive furniture at a time. She had literal pissing contests with my dog ruining multiple rugs. She hated my kids when they were toddlers and refused to come inside until they were in bed at night. Whenever I watched a movie at night, she would need to come in and out of the house 25 times, usually during the best scenes. She never knew how to retract her claws which hurt … a lot.
My inner conversation about this was not good. There was a deep unconscious connection between this cat and my ex. She fueled my karma kid like nothing else. I was being punished by my ex for thinking I was strong and could raise the kids on my own. I was being punished by my ex for actually being strong and raising the kids on my own. I was being punished by my ex for not needing him even though he left me. I was being punished by my ex for not taking care of him anymore. Even after he died, I was being punished by my ex from “the other side”. To my karma kid, he had a hold on me even though he was gone. And this is typical for the karma kid. They really do see people as powerful in these ways. They are often told by abusers that they would always be bound to others and would be punished if they dared to think otherwise.
So I didn’t really like the cat. But I also knew it wasn’t her fault that she was crazy. And I knew she wasn’t really punishing me. I never gave up on her. I even brought her back to life once when she had a heart attack and died while sitting next to me. I performed kitty CPR which I didn’t even know what a thing. She revived, sat up and looked at me like, “What are you looking at?” She always had her food and her water (dripped from the faucet of course). And I look her to the vet despite the near death experiences with her claws. I would never give up on an animal. That’s not my style. And she grew to love the kids as they stopped grabbing her tail. And we even had our moments. Two nights before she died, I actually looked at her and said, “You’re really not that bad.” I think she appreciated it in her own way. She gave me a long, slow blink.
Maybe that’s what she needed. Maybe my karma kid had finally energetically separated her from my ex. And maybe, just maybe, I was able to let go of him (and apparently her) on a deeper level. I am not suggesting my recovery killed my cat. She was 14. For an outdoor hunting cat who never backed down from a fight, that’s a good life. I know I am not powerful enough to dictate her life and death. But animals are very tuned in to energies. They know their job and they know when they are done. They can let go, something most humans can’t do. We hold on and hold on and hold on to everything and everyone and every animal. We resist change like there is nothing good that could ever come from it. When in reality, it is our purpose to learn how to let go. It is why we are here.
I have worked hard to learn the art of letting go. It is a quintessential part of the recovery process. We can’t recover without it. This is why I am constantly preaching to my clients to grieve. Grieving is the most productive emotion we can express. It clears out connections that no longer support our growth. And it makes room for the new. In my case, I am letting go of my ex (and the 100 people he represents) so that I can make room for new friendships (and maybe more). And it is scary to let go of the way I have always defined myself. I don’t want to figure out life without all the old rules. There is too much to figure out. There are too many directions it could all go. But there is hope too. There are soooooo many directions it could all go. And that has an interesting ring to it. My freedom fighters think it could be cool. So I’ll keep working to let go. I’ll keep peeling off the layers of my ties to the past. I’ll keep ending my contracts that I never wanted to make. And maybe I’ll miss that cat a little too.
Thank you so much for writing “Grieving is the most productive emotion we can express.” I’m grieving deeply, angering and crying, and it seems to go on forever. Your words inspire me and give me hope to keep going…
Thank you Lily. Keep going.
Grieving seems entirely too hard! It feels like admitting failure, failure at protecting myself, failure to maintain control. Because, as far as I’m concerned, when it comes to my multiple traumas throughout life it was my fault, it had to be because I had the control. Logically I do know I had no control over what others chose to do, still I blame me and try to keep myself convinced I was in control. Also, it seems if I ever let myself grieve I’ll become entirely too vulnerable and will then be open for more hurt to come into my life.
That is exactly how our defenses see it. We believe we must maintain control over everything so it has to be our fault and we can’t grieve. In reality, grieving is how we take our real authentic power back. We can drop the defenses and let go of the trauma patterns and change everything.
LOL! Yes! Let the cat go?
Even, tho I’m not perfectly letting go.. I’m STILL getting up EVERYDAY and fighting for my end goal! I’m still has having fun and laughing! I’m not letting the longevity deter me! Ik that I have it in me too FIGHT! The fight of a lifetime! Too be me, unapologetically, in ALL of life🙌🙌🦋
Change can be so scary. So sorry about the loss of your cat… right now I’m going through change… my wife of five years left me again. She has maybe left me 7 times since October 2019, off and on, we have a disagreement, she’s out the door. This time, I packed all of her items and delivered them to a storage unit. Huge step for me. She originally moved into my house, I always told her she could have it, I’ll leave but she didn’t want the obligation I guess. I just know her leaving constantly at the drop of a hat, destroyed my heart everytime. My heart was trampled on… then she’d come back refreshed because she was away from the obligations of the responsibilities of running a home, paying bills, feeding the animals, maintaining a home. Maybe this is my assumption but to me it was like a mini vacation. She’d always come back. So I’d pick up the pieces of my broken heart and allow her back in… my anxieties are high, this is a new step for me, moving her stuff you…i a storage unit is huge for me, mentally and emotionally. It says no more, I can’t do this, I can stand up for myself and my heart. It’s scary, I had to go to the doctor because the doctor saw I may have shingles on my left chest because of the stressors. I’m on meds but yes the karma kid is saying see what happens when you think outside the box or stand up for yourself or taking a stand for yourself. Fear and anxiety kicked in… now I have shingles so me and the doctor think, feeling kind of sluggish and a little achy, left shoulder chest area… scary I’ve never had this before but the doc reassured it will go away. My heart, losing my wife, sealing the good bye this time still brings tears to my eyes. I love my wife, I tried with everything inside to prove my love to her, to show her that I loved her under God with everything inside of me. But it was not enough I guess. She has her own traumas, not judging but I don’t see how she can love me if she can’t love herself. And I’m still learning to love me. I don’t want to live life with that yellow caution tape around my heart anymore basing my every decision on fear. I want to be confident. No matter if I get shingles, I want to be confident, no matter if I cry and grieve this loss. I want to be strong and ok. Thank you Elizabeth! Blessings to you and your kids. Praying for healing…
I am so sorry to hear about your loss Regina! It is hard to let someone go, but you deserve better than to be walking on eggshells all the time. Nobody should use their ability to leave as a way of controlling another person. I am sure your love seeker and karma kid are really stressed, but you get to make a new choice to take care of yourself this time. Love to you.
Thank you Elizabeth!!
There is a song by Glenn Campbell titled “By the time I get to Phoenix” where the husband has left his wife several times because he couldn’t put up with her; however, he keeps coming back to her. Your situation is the reverse of what it is in that song. I hope you find peace.
I do have a tendency to stay too long.
Once again, your post seems to reflect a parallel experience we have at the same time. I really appreciate the way in which you’ve written this and how you’ve described the experience of the past extending into our lives’ now. Thank you, once again, for your honesty.
Thank you Trina!