I have been experiencing some intense inner battles recently. It hasn’t been easy. There have been some intense fears followed by bouts of futility followed by self-punishment. And that can happen in the course of one day. My inner parts are jockeying for position in this new inner world I am creating. My freedom fighters are expressing the futility they need to become the authentic awesomeness they are meant to be. My karma kid is unraveling some very intense fears about breaking contracts with people who no longer matter (but definitely used to matter). And then there is my controller. They hate all of this. They hate it so much. They are terrified of all my efforts to heal my parts. And they have their reasons.
But most of their reasons are outdated. They come from a childhood of trauma. And while they can be translated to the world we live in today (and usually are), they aren’t the same. They don’t need to come with the same intensity. Attaching survival skills to our jobs, our relationships and even our hobbies is a mechanism we no longer need. Hyper-vigilance doesn’t serve us the way it did. We aren’t going to gain enough benefit to make up for the years it is shaving off our lives. I am sure there are many controllers yelling at me right now, but hear me out. The survival skills must go if we want to live.
In order to stop this, we must uncover the beliefs driving us into survival. What is the controller trying to accomplish by pushing all our emotions down and keeping us focused on over-functioning? What are the reasons behind it? While there are many, I want to discuss one in particular today. The controller has an interesting understanding of time. While they are hyper-focused on it, they also don’t take into account how things change over time. They believe that our current state will be our permanent state. So they fight every moment to make sure it is “good”. What do I mean by good? Surface good. Where we are now is where we will always be. That is how it works for them.
As a matter of a fact, when I finally understood that my emotional state (and everything else) was temporary, it changed my recovery and my life. When the futility hit, I was able to hold a small understanding that it wouldn’t last forever. My controller believed that if futility expressed, it would take over and I would never be productive as long as I lived. When I was angry, I knew it would pass if I allowed myself to sit with it and express it. My controller believed that the anger would take over my life and I would become a horrible person forever and ever. When I was feeling shame, I struggled to manifest anything that would move my life forward. But I knew it would not last forever. I knew I would be back on my feet soon. My controller saw it as homelessness waiting to happen, a permanent death sentence.
Only in understanding the reasons for my controller’s fears could I question them and allow myself to sit with the pain of my other parts. When I can recognize all emotional, mental, financial states are temporary, I can allow them. And when I allow them, they become even more temporary because they need acceptance to release. And the concept that everything is temporary brings more than an understanding. It also brings a feeling. It brings hope. Sure. There is fear of the unknown from the defenders. But if things can change, it means that things can change for the better. And if things can change for the better, we can find a way to build a better life. So take time to understand what your fears are saying. And ask yourself if those fears make sense. Explore your life and if your fears still apply. Write from your controller but consider how your life doesn’t support what they say. If you have the courage to ask about it, you can change your life in ways you never considered. Everything is temporary. So let’s work to make change as powerful as possible.
