In my role as a life coach, I have a lot of difficult conversations. But I absolutely love my role of helping others overcome their trauma. My favorite part is breaking down the walls of shame by talking about what hasn’t been talked about. There is one conversation that always rises to the top as the most shame-busting topic. That conversation is the one about sex. It starts as a discussion about sexual abuse and the victimization they experienced. But very quickly, it turns to the present moment. It turns to their perceived sexual dysfunction. But there’s a reason for that. There is so much shame around our sexual survival mechanisms. And it feeds our unworthiness. So we often cannot talk about our victimization until we determine we aren’t a part of the problem.
The survival mechanisms that come from sexual abuse are not by accident. They are meant to perpetuate shame. Pedophiles and sex abusers know exactly how to keep their victims quiet. Make them think there is something wrong with them. Make them think it is their fault. But in reality, we are responding normally to your abuse. We are not crazy. We are not born this way. We are not “just like our abusers”. They are directly linked to our experiences of abuse.
It became obvious to me this week that I needed to write about this. I have been assured by many of my clients that had they known this happens to all of us, they would have discussed this sooner. And if there is one thing I absolutely know about shame, it cannot survive in the light. What does that mean? When we share with someone who says “me too”, the shame moves out. It can’t stay. So this blog post is meant to get people sharing. This post is a shame buster. Here are some of the most common sexual survival mechanisms we don’t talk about.
We Don’t Want Sex. After being forced for many years, it might not come as a surprise that we don’t want it. But it can be a problem in moving forward with our lives. Even when we deeply love another person, apathy toward sex can keep us from the connection we want. To our partners, it can be a major source of frustration. So we may be shamed for not wanting sex. Partners can turn a lack of sex into a discussion about what is wrong with us. And after years of feeling unworthy, this doesn’t help us find healing. When we can accept how sex can be re-traumatizing, it can help us let go of that shame.
Sexual Arousal During Recovery. Sexual arousal does not mean you are consenting to sex. I repeat. Sexual arousal does not mean consent. I know this is not what you were told. Your abusers needed you to believe that you “liked it”, so they used your arousal against you. In reality, your arousal was a way to keep your body safe during sex. A lack of arousal can cause additional pain and damage and your body knows that. It was not betraying you. It was protecting you. So when you are retrieving memories (or in a flashback) of sexual abuse, you may become aroused. This is a flashback. And this does not mean you wanted this abuse. It does not mean you want it now. Accepting this will be so helpful in your healing.
Being Turned on by Force, Rape or Control. Sexual abuse messes with a child’s brain. It makes a child equate sex and force. That child becomes wired to respond sexually to power differentials in all forms. A child might play this out through excessive masturbation or with other children in an attempt to make sense of their experiences. This can lead an adult survivor to an interest in BDSM. It can also create an aroused response to violence on television or in real life. But one of the most common stories I hear from survivors is a need to fantasize about forced scenarios in order to orgasm. This is completely normal. Sexual abuse wires us this way. We never experienced sex with love. We experienced sex with force. And it is completely normal.
Repeating Fetishes from our Abusers. If someone is willing to resort to pedophilia to deal with the pain of their trauma, they are probably willing to do many things. And the fetishes of abusers can pile even more shame onto their victims. They can make abuse victims think there is even more wrong with them to attract such ridiculous behaviors. But fetishes are formed from trauma. They are passed down from abuser to victim. And if you have an urge to repeat a fetish, you have an inner part who has taken that on as a survival mechanism (more than likely, a freedom fighter). With acceptance and expression, this part’s urges will dissipate. But acceptance can’t happen with the shame-response still in place.
Body Memories. The idea of body memories may not be particularly shameful at first glance. Body memories are a normal and natural part of trauma recovery. It could be something like feeling pressure on the upper arm because we were grabbed as a child. It could be an emotion which needs expression. But body memories about sexual abuse are extremely common. You could be working at your desk and suddenly have the full-body sensation you are being raped. This is an inner part sharing with you. They have a memory and they need your help processing it. And yes. This is a frequent and normal part of sexual abuse recovery. There is nothing wrong with you.
You may be feeling some relief after reading this. If you have repressed memories, you might be feeling panicked because I just made sense of your experiences. But no matter what, you probably want to know if there is hope. If all this is wired, can we change it? We absolutely can change it. But it won’t change until we help our inner parts express their emotions and memories. And that will come with acceptance and understanding of what happened to us and how it impacted us. So let’s bust through this shame and see our survival strategies for what they are. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with us. There is no shame in surviving.
Hi Elisabeth,
Thank you for posting this. I grappled for decades believing I was dysfuncional.
The most difficult thing for me was not only knowing, but really believing, that my self-talk was a normal reaction to abuse. This was a difficult process, but it helped in moving alot of self-shame. Your post will help others move theirs.
Thank you Louise. I am so glad you were able to see your self talk as a normal reaction. That is a powerful understanding to come to.
Thank you for posting this! I appreciate this so much. I would definitely appreciate more posts such as these because this helps alot of the shame to release itself..sex is such an uncomfortable topic to bring up in therapy. There is so much hiding involved with parts that hold these feelings, which can drive you back to abusers.
You are right J. And hiding keeps the shame alive.
Thanks for bringing this topic into the light. I have avoided sex for too long. About 10 years now. I wish for a healthy relationship that includes sex, but I wonder if I will ever have that in my life. I believe shame keeps me from so much this life has to offer.
Dear Elisabeth,
Thank you so much. It’s such an important topic to deal with. Too many people are negating their sexual selves, living lives of repression, pretending everything’s okay like that. I myself battled for years as my own healthy sexuality fought to be heard amongst the inner voices of fear, shame and denial. I hope your post gets through to many people who need it.
Thank you so much for your brave comment Nora! I hope this reaches the people who need it too.
Thank you. I was exposed to sexual material and situations as a kid, and grew up under a mantle of abuse. As an adult, I don’t have any interest in sex and I don’t feel sexual sensations. It is the most distressing part of my adult life and I feel a deep chasm between me and the world because of it.
I completely get it Jennifer. It can make you feel like you aren’t human to add to the worthlessness piled on by abusers.
Thank you so much Elisabeth. Each and every thing that you describe are things that I experience or have experienced. I have carried much shame and guilt for having had these experiences and had finally just concluded that I was abnormal and that I will never be relationship material. Sex is so difficult and I don’t understand these things myself, never mind try to explain to a partner.
I am in therapy and we are slowly working on acknowledging and embracing my inner selves and their experiences of our world. This area is one in which I have been fearful to go into as I often feel as though I’ve made up these memories of abuse but then, someone inside gets very, very upset.
I appreciate very much your having shared this article and all of the personal experience, strength and hope that you have. I know that learning these things cannot have been easy for you and you are a blessing to those of us who have not yet healed. You help to give me hope that one day I will feel whole…or at least more “normal”.
Where can I find more information Elisabeth on a Freedom Fighter? I would like to learn more about this part…
Thank you again!
Hi Trina, I am so glad this helped you. I have written a few blogs on the freedom fighter topic. Here are the links:
https://beatingtrauma.com/2017/11/22/valiant-freedom-fighter/
https://beatingtrauma.com/2017/05/10/the-freedom-fighters/
https://beatingtrauma.com/2018/08/15/finding-freedom/
Thank you Elisabeth, I will take a look at them.
I was with you til the last line! I kept saying through the article, it’s normal, it’s normal, there’s nothing wrong with me. But wow, there is no shame in survival is loaded. Where is it said that a woman is supposed to commit suicide if she is violated? Shakespeare’s Rape of Lucrece says that – and aren’t there others? Like the shame of rape, the dishonor, is so bad that it’s better to die than live with the legacy of rape/shame. I wonder why I have so often felt that I wish the rapists had killed me instead of leaving me to live with this pain/shame/shit for 50 years. Death woulda gotten “it” over with, maybe, since I don’t know what happens after death, but the assumption is death = over. The end. Like to survive is to break the rule, to re-write the end of the story. and you can if you realize you are not the rapist in a rape story, but you absolutely are the main character in your life, the protagonist, no matter what happens To You. Great article. Thanks.
Thank you Wendy! I always love the way you articulate the pain of surviving rape and sexual abuse. You are so right. We are made to take full responsibility to our own victimization. But the more we release the shame, the more we release that responsibility and hand it back where it belongs.
Is it normal for people who experienced sexual abuse in their 20’s and 30’s but not as a child to experience these things?
These experiences can come from sexual abuse at any time. That said, patterns tend to repeat in our lives. It is possible that the childhood sexual abuse was repressed.
I was hoping you would mention intrusive thoughts, is this covered anywhere.
Many thanks
Intrusive thoughts are definitely a part of this. It often accompanies the body memories. These flashbacks often show up when we are at our most triggered states.