I sent my son to middle school today. Actually I sent both kids to middle school today, but it was particularly significant for my son. When people meet my son, they instantly fall in love with his larger than life personality. He was born to be an actor and he was meant to have the spotlight. This generally contradicts my deep and insatiable desire to stay as invisible as possible. It has been a struggle I have lost with as much grace as I can muster. He is also one of the smartest kids I know. (I know, I’m the mother. I am supposed to say that.) He can hear a story and repeat it almost word for word six months later. Honestly, that’s part of the problem.
You see, my son’s brain is a bit disconnected sometimes. He doesn’t learn using the more traditional methods. He needs more rules, more structure and more multi-sensory ways of taking in information. This is particularly true in reading and writing. He doesn’t have a diagnosis. If you look at all the typical diagnoses and their checklists, he will check off three out of 25. And his elementary school was non-traditional in its approach and did not push him. While that maintained his love of reading until he figured it out, it didn’t give him the structure to learn writing. He used his incredible smarts to figure out reading through context. So now he has a tutor and is learning to write. And it’s working. It is happening at lightning speed. But honestly, it has affected his confidence.
So as I sent him off to a traditional public middle school this morning, I was anxious. And I knew he was too. He spent the night before peppering me with questions. What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t get it? It was gut-wrenching to hear his anxiety. He normally puts up such a confident front. And while I was glad he would talk with me still, I could not help but think how I might have failed my little genius with his unique brain. I should have seen it sooner. I should have seen how he was compensating. I shouldn’t have let his lack of diagnosis stop me from intervening. I should. I shouldn’t. I should. I shouldn’t.
There is only one thing more complicated than parenting and that is parenting with trauma. We are wired to blame and shame ourselves for anything and everything. We project our problems on to our children. We struggle to tolerate their painful emotions and stay present. And I have fought hard to heal. I have fought hard to change the way I respond to my trauma triggers and heal the traumatic emotions of my past. I have done it for me. But I have done it for my kids too. And sometimes the futility gets to me. It tells me if I was healed, my kids would lead perfect lives. They would be happy all the time if I had done my job. Of course, I know better than to believe that. But it nags at me.
What is happening with my son has been confusing. There are bits of this and bits of that. There are social and educational struggles that resemble autism, dyslexia and dysgraphia, but none of them are significant enough to bring a diagnosis. And it has always left me wondering what is going on. But I woke up the other morning with a realization. What if this is the healing? I know this work on myself has dramatically affected my children. They express the same emotions. They feel the same physical shifts in their bodies. They have calmed down with me. What if my son would have had a diagnosis? What if these are the remnants of something that would have been much more impactful on his life? What if this isn’t a problem? What if this is a success story? What if my trauma-recovery is healing my children (and the generations to come) in ways that I can’t fathom? And that is saying something because my awareness is highly developed at this point.
I am not saying this to start a huge philosophical battle about the connection between trauma and learning differences. Actually, I won’t engage in that. I deeply know that trauma is connected to everything and nobody can convince me otherwise. And I am not looking for advice either. I have many amazing people helping us. I just want to pass along what I am learning. What might appear as a problem today might have been so much worse. We can never know what would have been before we made our brave choices. We can’t go back and travel those roads. But know there may be progress you can’t understand in your logical brain. There may be things happening you will never prove to yourself and others. Your butterfly might be flapping its wings and creating something magnificent, something you can never fully understand.
CONGRATULATIONS on getting your kids to middle school Elisabeth!!!!
Thank you Kate!!
Elizabeth ,
I am so thankful for you and because your are a part of my life❣️ I can make those brave choices as I heal and I can’t wait for the butterfly to be ready to fly 🦋
Thank you Nancy! I am so glad I can be a part of your life as you make those choices.
Sobbing as I read this. You voices my thoughts in the first part. And thanks for the turn around in thinking. Bless you. And your kids. They are lucky to have you!!
Thank you so much Pearl!
Thank you for this: “What might appear as a problem today might have been so much worse.” I know this is true but I had never credited it to my hard work before.
In my case its measurable: many, many other women who were in state care institutions and foster homes have no relationship with their children, have never married or committed to a person, and suffer long term drug addiction- and so on. I’m doing ok in comparison.
But I get angry because I worked so hard to try and make the past never have affected me. It was never a realistic ambition. But I’m able to emotionally support my adult son and he is doing okay, and I have managed to keep- and transform- a long marriage. And I’ve managed to educate myself and be free of drugs and alcohol. If I hadn’t been able to do these things my son would not have a supportive mother, and my husband would still be totally avoiding all his feelings, and miss out on so much of life.
Thank you for this post, its extremely valuable to think about. Those butterfly wings may be creating change that cant be measured in things the controller would value.
I just love this story so much. You are so brave Nell!
This may be the jewel of jewels that sustains my faith in efforts to break the cycle. Thank you. Again!
Thank you Diana!
I just began following you on Twitte. As a clinician who is also healing from trauma, THANK YOU!
Thank you so much T!
Thanks for this! It helps me a lot as a Mom to read your posts. I often “blame” my parents for not getting me a diagnosis earlier. I needed help. But I’m not sure a diagnosis would’ve quite helped me. In later life, I got many different diagnoses. Depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, OCD, etc. Fertility issues. All kinds of stuff. But my teenage heart knew that there wasn’t something wrong with ME! It was more complicated. As you know. And I’m also trying to remember that the healthier I get, the more it helps my son.
Thank you Andrea! I will never stop shouting from the rooftops about how much it helps children when their parents process their traumatic emotions. It can literally change DNA, along with so many other challenges kids face in dealing with the world around them. But it takes an extremely dedicated and courageous parent to do this work. <3
Hurray for that revelation I’m sure it brought some relief and encouragement with it!
My trauma and healing journey has definitely affected my adult daughter, ups and downs for sure but as I find my self more and more our relationship strengthens and is slowly becoming more transparent and comfortable. A recent awareness of the impact my trauma and my choice of husbands has had on her hurts but I can only move forward and support her with an open heart and continued breaking ties of codependency, as I do I see her growing stronger within herself. There’s no easy to any of this!
I have a son I lost 24 years ago thru estrangement due to marrying a narcissistic husband. I can only move forward…. with as much self grace and understanding as possible! The narcissist is long ago divorced.
You are right that there is no easy to any of this! We do need to grieve these losses, but we also need to find that compassion for our mistakes when we didn’t know better yet. Love to you!
You are so brave, and we all applaud your strength to do what seems counterintuitive to the “what might have been” narrative. We grow through what we go through and it gives me and others hope to see that you have gained strength and wisdom as you boldly, face your trauma within yourself and that the healing radiates out towards others always. That takes so much self-awareness, courage, energy, and tenacity but I know you know this! Changing the narrative to “hear and now AND accepting what could have been for myself causes a lot of grief I/we are currently working through. Like the fact, I never got to be a mom and am still having spinal surgeries currently. Then again, AND when I have so many helpers within, I’m a mom to them all I suppose. I have to grieve all the loss of Kris who could have been and free the K that needs to be in a new narrative with more compassion and grace. Sorry for straying in thought there. I can say that for us, we were never diagnosed either apart from ADHD, and until I was put in gifted classes as a kid, I was in remedial speech, math, and with “troubled” kids. Had a teacher not recognized that I/we were different, I/we might still be stifled. Though I have a learning disability, I know that a HUGE percentage of acting out was my parts being starved and abused daily as a kid. I know it must be hard to shift gears with schooling your son though, I hope it allows him to excel beyond your wildest dreams and he flies like an eagle. It WILL be an awesome success story and I’m holding on to that for us as well! Thanks so much for sharing. I am sorry to be so confusing.
Thank you Kris. No need to apologize. Your comment is not confusing. You are a truly brilliant person and I am glad you had a teacher who recognized that in you. This post was written several years ago and he is certainly flying in ways I could have never imagined. I may need to write a new post about that. 🙂
I just realized I responded to a post from 2018. We have been so out of the loop and honestly stayed away because nothing has changed surgery wise. Shame? Ha. Thanks for your response. Do write another article please! Love and Light.
I just posted a new blog post tonight. Take a look at https://beatingtrauma.com/2024/03/19/back-to-the-blog-too/