We are born free. We are born to bring our amazing strengths to this planet. We are meant to meet a purpose which was designed specifically for us. We are here for great things.
But when we were born, the world was waiting for us. The world was waiting with all the rules about how we would live our lives. They abused and neglected us which made us shut down our hearts and refuse to trust. They said life was hard so it was best to aim low and not take too many chances. They said we wouldn’t be able to accomplish much because our external and internal traits were lacking in some way. They let us know we had to play by the established rules. They told us we would fail if we didn’t. They made it clear that their approval was the most important thing. We learned it was more important to get their approval than to be ourselves. It was so important, it was life or death. After all this, we did not feel free.
Most of us made it to adulthood with very little of our true selves still intact. As a matter of a fact, we were lost. The world wanted us to fit in with the rest of the zombies. They didn’t want us to love ourselves. They didn’t want us to be proud of who we are. They didn’t want us to ask questions about the rules. They didn’t want us to search deep inside for that original purpose. They most certainly didn’t want us to stir things up or cause any problems whatsoever. So we joined the Borg. And everyone was happy. Except nobody’s not happy. And we weren’t happy. We were an empty shell of who we were meant to be. But we were so lost, we could not find our way back. The breadcrumbs were gone. And now, it shows up in our lives every day. How?
We are paralyzed by perfectionism. With these messages coming at us from every direction, we learned that nothing we did was good enough. We also learned that it had to be good enough because approval was critical to our survival. From the beginning, we were fighting a losing battle. We didn’t know all the rules because they were constantly changing, but we knew we must follow them. That led to perfectionism. And perfectionism is paralyzing. In our adult life, it makes us prioritize ourselves last. We will run ourselves into the ground trying to meet the standards of others, eventually draining us of all our energy and hope. We can also become so fixated on doing things right that we never complete anything at all. There is too much fear of rejection. So we wait.
We wait for someone to believe in what we have to offer. In childhood, we were taught that we didn’t have permission to do whatever we wanted. Sometimes this was a necessary message. But sometimes we were taught that our strengths were only good if others liked them. As a child, we often had to have adult support do make things happen. Without their support, we could not bring our talents to the world. And that message can hamper us in adulthood. We are still looking for permission. We are still looking for that person to tell us we have a good idea. We are looking for someone to tell the world we are awesome. We have learned we can’t do this ourselves. We have learned it is selfish to try. So we wait.
We expect to fail. We grew up in a world full of people who wanted us to fail. Why? They had given up. And they could not possibly deal with someone else succeeding. So we heard over and over again that we can’t, we won’t and we don’t have what it takes. But it’s all lies. And we don’t know that. So in adulthood, we become fixated on failure. We expect it around every corner even though we take desperate action to avoid it. And those expectations are so strong, they often manifest making them stronger. Eventually the futility and hopelessness stop us in our tracks. We believe we won’t succeed without a miracle. So we wait.
But we aren’t meant to be waiting for anyone or anything. It is time to get out there. Put your amazing talents and strengths into the world. Carve time into your day to do what you love. And then share the results even when they aren’t perfect. Will there be rejection and passive aggression and snide comments from others? Of course. There are too many people living in the zombie world. And let’s face it, they are jealous. But keep going. Work with your resistance from your inner parts. Express your fears and be honest with yourself about them. But keep going. Stop waiting. Start living. You don’t need anyone’s permission to be awesome. If you wait for it, you will wait forever.
This is me, again and all over, again. The cycle of going around this mountain. My narcissistic mom just criticized me again today… she lives with me and is independent, Thank God, but still puts me down…I don’t even have the energy to put her in her place anymore, she’s just not worth the damn headache. Futility is at its full force right now…I feel so discouraged and weak and like a failure. What’s the use. Sometimes I drive by new places and buildings in the city and it brings tears to my eyes…I long to be somewhere free, somewhere away from HER!!! Somewhere brand new without her, the weight…THEN I feel guilty and ask God to forgive me, I don’t want her to die yet I’m tired of carrying her, as she said I owe her my life… typical. Then, I’ve been listening to Joyce Meyer, and I love the inspiration she shares, but then she says, don’t complain, don’t be a whiny baby, always crying to God. Wow, when I hear that, my tears, my hurt, I feel so inadequate, like I can’t or won’t ever measure up, I feel like such a failure. Constantly!
I’m so tired of being in this life’s rut! Why did I have to be born into this. I know we’re not supposed to question God. I’m so tired of the destruction in this world. I have zero energy. I feel like I don’t even want to crawl out of bed anymore. If God is testing me then I have surely failed. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this…I want happiness, joy, a loving non critical mother. Freedom. Thank you for keeping on Elizabeth
I think phrases like “Don’t be a whiny baby” are unfair. I am not saying we should sit in a victim state for the rest of our lives. But we must acknowledge our feelings, even when they are a bit whiny, even when we want to scream “GET OVER IT” at ourselves. Otherwise, we are just pushing it all back down under our mask (where it manifests everything). Let yourself write from that futility and hopelessness. It will help you release it from your system so you can take new steps and have more.
I know I should like a broken record, regardless, all this writing does wonders. THANK YOU
I am glad you are taking the time to do it.
August 9, 2021
Today I am prepping a new blog and I want to write a book. I’ve been doubting but reading all of this inspiration and confirmation. Sounds right. Yes, futility and self pity kick in but 3 years later, I’m feeling a little stronger. Man, how time flies. I still have intense dreams with alot of emotion and I wake up exhausted with grief. I don’t avoid, I dissect my feelings. I need to, there’s no other way, under God. Mom still lives with me but she knows I have zero tolerance and strong boundaries but she does still traumatize and triggers me. What a cycle. Praying everyday. Thank God for all that I do have and for today. That you Elizabeth. Thank you group. 💝🙏🏻💙Always praying for your peace
I love what you are working towards. You are standing up for yourself and using your voice.
Regina:
I agree with Elisabeth about allowing oneself to feel what hurts. It’s not the same as whining.
I don’t know which God you refer to in regard to questions. Any God who cannot withstand the cries of this hurting world is not the compassionate God I know (of the Jewish and Christian faith). I don’t have an easy relationship with God though. And my doubts are not all satisfied. So much of life seems to require living (making decisions, moving on, loving,etc) without certainty.
It is hard.
I’m upset that you are experiencing this. You don’t owe your mom your life. She sounds like she’s trying to control you and that’s not healthy. Healthy is when someone, parent of otherwise, wants,you to be able to move forward on your own. I had to realize that my mom wouldn’t do that. I still have to remind myself. She was too messed up. And my dad was not far behind.
I question God. A lot. (Christian God). I have never been struck down and destroyed. If I may suggest this, replace Joyce Meyers with Diane Langberg. Presentations by her are on YouTube.
Jen,
I have Diane saved on my you tube. I didn’t even know who she was just loved what she had to say. Thank you for thr validation
I completely agree with this statement! A d Yes, even when I’m at the point where I want to tell myself to shut up a d get over out! I continue processing all the painful memories and feelings that come with childhood trauma! Thank you for allowing me to give myself permission to be great, to accomplish a happy and successful life!
Thank you Cindy for your perseverance at working through these painful emotions.
Thank you so much for these thoughts. For many years I’ve struggled to understand my childhood relationships & heal my wounds- with some success. But always, in hard situations I retreat into that helpless child. I fill journal pages with “I’m so lost again”, “I’m feeling lost”, & “I’m so tired of being lost’. I associated it with my abandonment, but never thought of all the other fears connected to that feeling: fear of failing, fear of rejection, fear of never belonging anywhere because I am “damaged”. This sheds a new light on some areas where I was totally in the dark. I appreciate your courage in sharing your journey- it’s like a flashlight on a midnight path. I think we all will find our way back into the sunlight.
Thank you so much Kari. It might be helpful to focus on how the fears of the defenders might keep that inner child from coming forward completely for healing. Love to you on your journey.
Thank you Elisabeth.
Just read Regina’s comment and wow could have written that all myself!
As I was reading had ‘words’ from my controlling 91 year old mother!
I am sorry you can relate Fiona. But thank you for being here and for your comment. Love to you.
Elisabeth, thank you for this post. You have expressed everything I have always felt. I was adopted and my adoptive father always made it known that I was not ‘his’ child. I was not given the encouragement to be what and who I wanted to be. My mother was meek and would not stand up to my father until I was a fully grown adult. I loved my Mom but the rift created by her not being able to stand up to my father never healed. They are both deceased now but I still struggle with how things might have been different for me if they had they been supportive. I have been through many years of therapy with a wonderful psychiatrist and am now, at 64 years old, finding peace. But I know I would have made a damn good doctor or paramedic if I had been supported. I now focus on advocating for animals and wildlife. Thank you for the insight you provide to the wounded souls.
Thank you for all your hard work and what you are bringing to the world now. I have often wondered where life would have taken me without the trauma (especially when the Olympics are on), but if we are healing, we are doing amazing things.