I was watching a movie last night and the actors had a conversation that stuck with me.  They were talking about the external milestones of life.  They were discussing buying houses and having babies.

She said, “When is our life going to start?”

He said, “This is our life.  We are living it.”

This may seem like an obvious concept.  And while I have been aware for quite some time that I am living my life, some of my inner parts were really affected by these statements.  I have taken many empowered steps to change my life patterns, but I realized I have been waiting for something.  I realized I have always been waiting to officially start my life.  This is not a new concept, but it seems to have hit me at a deeper level.  So I asked myself what I am waiting for.  What is it we are all waiting for?  And honestly, there are quite a few things.

  1. We are waiting for an apology. I know.  I know.  This is completely futile.  But while our adult selves can understand this intellectually, it is an entirely different matter for our inner children.  They want our abusers to say they are sorry.  They want our original relationships to become something they will never be.  They want the love and attention they never received from our abusers or from someone just like our abusers.  They want resolution.  They want their relationship patterns to be resolved without having to let it all go.  And it isn’t coming.
  2. We are waiting to be released. We have parts who hold contracts.  And while I originally thought these parts only held contracts with our abusers in a trauma-bonded way, I now realize that our abuser contracts primed us to take on other contracts.  These contracts are disturbingly random.  Anyone who ever told us we owe them something is likely to be sitting in our unconscious holding us back.  Wow!  What a realization that is!  I have discovered I am holding contracts with people and I don’t even remember their name.  I am waiting for resolution from strangers who don’t remember me.  And I know I am not alone.
  3. We are waiting for permission. We have parts who believe we cannot live life without others.  We have parts who don’t understand we are empowered adults who can take whatever action necessary to move our lives forward, to stop our traumatic patterns.  We have parts who are waiting for somebody to come along and tell us we can start living.  We want another person to give us their approval, to give us the green light.  But there is no such person.  They aren’t there.  Our lives start when we give ourselves permission to start it, to take those empowered steps forward.
  4. We are waiting for perfection. We have parts who are waiting to be good enough.  By good enough, I mean perfect.  We have spent our lives being told we are worthless and the people who succeed in life are perfect.  Even our abusers were perfect.  We were always the problem.  We can never have a good life because we are the problem.  And so many of our experiences have confirmed this.  We have consistently brought people and situations into our lives who continue our childhood patterns.  But we have never been the problem.  Our abusers were the problem.  And now our unconscious beliefs are manifesting and we have to break that pattern.  Until we can begin to see ourselves as worthy of a good life, we can’t get started.
  5. We are waiting for peace. Peace means a lot of things to a lot of parts.  It could mean isolation.  It could mean internal calm.  It could be meeting our goals, finding our calling or seeing our purpose manifest in our lives.  It could mean winning a million dollars in the lottery or not having a care in the world.  It could be going off grid or living on an island.  But when we consider these things to be a predecessor to starting life, it will become another reason we are waiting to take the next step.  We might be stuck waiting for that miraculous manifestation to bring peace to our world.  But life doesn’t work like that.  We have to seek it out.  We have to take steps toward it.  And it will take time to get there.

We are all getting older as we wait to start life.  But on the other side of the two-way mirror, our life is waiting for us to join.  We have to take the time to examine what we are waiting for.  We have to explore how our unconscious patterns are keeping us stuck through old beliefs and understandings of the world.  So ask yourself what you are waiting for.  What must happen before you will take an empowered step toward what you want?  And why are you giving your power over to it?  Ask these questions because it is time to stop waiting.