I have been on this recovery journey for a while now. I have tried many approaches over the years. But for the past 10 years, I have taken myself to new unconscious depths and traveled through a world I had no idea existed. It has been painful and educational and scary and amazing. I have discovered so much about who I am. I am helping others discover who they are. Even with all this work, I found myself in a very familiar place during the past two weeks. But I forgot it was familiar … again. I decided to bring you my story so you don’t miss the signs when it happens to you. But let’s be honest. You probably will because we all miss the signs. And that’s okay.
Two weeks ago, I experienced a physical and energetic shift. This happens often with this work. Our memories are stored in the body. The body must let them go if they are to be released. Most of these releases are minor. Many are barely noticeable. These shifts can happen almost anywhere in my body from my hip to my arm. They feel like a muscle is slightly letting go with some energetic movement afterwards. I usually brace myself for the emotions and flashbacks that follow. But I knew I was in trouble the minute I felt this one. Why? It was in my heart.
I was not wrong to be concerned. The following day was okay, but by the weekend it was ugly. I was hit with one of the most intense bouts with futility I have had in a long time. I knew what caused it. I knew there was probably a memory associated with it. I knew it was not about right now, but I could barely function. I wrote and wrote and wrote and somehow pulled myself through. But none of my plans came to fruition. My controller was not happy. So they took over. This is where things got really ugly.
The controller started in their normal way. They numbed me out, but not too much because they know I notice these things. They turned up my mind to manic level, making lists and planning for the worse. They increased the worrying and self criticism, making sure my focus was on nonexistent financial problems and what-if scenarios. They shifted my sleeping patterns so I was getting about half of my normal sleep. And they stopped me from going to the gym. They knew better than to let my body move. They played their recovery mind games too. Suddenly I was convinced I was done with memory recovery. I thought the end of recovery was upon me. By the end of the week, my productivity was at about 50% of its normal level.
And I didn’t see it … until I saw it.
This weekend, I saw the patterns. I pulled back hard on the thinking and took some time to rest. I realized I had been completely inundated with defenses without knowing it. Yes. Me. The coach who teaches others how to recognize their defenses was completely blindsided. My controller got me. And they stole a week I won’t get back. So I want to bring these key signs to you today. Here is what to look for in your journey to find your defenses. Here is what the controller will do to avoid recovery.
- They will numb you and convince you it is so much better this way. Why feel when you can be numb?
- They will turn your mind into a chaotic, manic mess. They will inundate you with lists, hyper-vigilant planning and obsessive thinking about the past.
- They will remove sleep, rest and free time by overwhelming you with all the things that must be done instead.
- They will ensure you do not move your body in any significant way. If you exercise regularly, it will suddenly be reduced without explanation.
- They will convince you there is nothing to see in your recovery even when you are pretty sure that can’t be true.
Take it from me. These are signs that your system is locking down, putting up walls and preparing for a nuclear winter. There is something below the surface. There is something brewing. I am sure your controller has kept you from taking in this information, but read it several times, print it and watch for the signs. Will you still fall for it? Yes. You absolutely will. But armed with this bit of conscious information, you will lose less time wrapped up in your defenses. And knowing I can help you with that makes me feel better about my lost week.
Thank you
You are welcome Des!
Holy shit, pardon my expression this has been my past two weeks inserting suicidal ideation into the equation.I thought it was me!! Would Justus be so desperate to end it all after all the hard
work or is that me somehow? There are lists strewn are all over my apartment. A list of gallery show this and items needed to make that, I just thought it was the usual I can’t cope not that Justus has taken full control.
Since another part of me got us brutally rPed by several men, I’ve been feeling to blame for being numbed out,unable to cry about anything, in bed useless.I have been so sick, shut down and my entire system ceased to communicate.
Wow, this blog shed some light on a lot though I still don’t know why a part of me blocks the protectors from stopping the rape and the others and myself from healing through communicating.
To be continued… Though this epic shut down I can see a parallel with Justus now and I had no idea she had that much power. Thank you for caring your soul sharing it so that I and others are more aware.I’m sad you had to go through that also.Though we can’t get those weeks back we can make the next one better, because in the end its the small things we have to be thankful for. Much love to you my friend.<3
The controller is not suicidal, but they will resort to almost anything else to keep the emotions and memories hidden. I think you did have some karma kids active though. And they take futility and suicidal ideation to new heights.
Thank you Elisabeth! This week was from hell, I’m sorry you experienced it too. Isn’t mercury retrograde over it? 😫
Wishing you good health and some ease while this part shares with you ❤️
Mercury retrograde and a very potent new and full moon cycle. It has been pretty crazy out there.
F*&K, my controller went next level. Just when I was starting a yoga program, made a commitment to a baseball team and starting a fitness program, my controller decided that breaking my ankle would put a cork in things.
I was making progress in my physical health, I was making progress in my social connections by entering new situations where I would interact with people more and then WHAM!
AND I didn’t see it until I read your article. I did pick up on becoming aware that I was slipping into my old pattern of wishing to isolate but did not explore it further. I also started my old pattern of self-sabotage too. I could see it happening but like you stated it was later after the momentum had already begun – like a wheel that picks up speed as it rolls down a hill.
I can also feel something underneath….like a rippling of waters….like a shark lurking under the surface biding it’s time (I can feel something wanting to surface) and I also feel the resistance to it. Ugggggh! The push and pull! I can also feel the fear of what is underneath and I don’t like it one bit. I don’t want to see but I want to release at the same time.
Well, now I don’t know what to say except. Thank you for assisting with stopping that wheel partway down the hill. At least I can put a check on the momentum. There is still a lot of excavating to be done but right now I don’t feel like being an archaeologist 🙂
I am so glad you see it now. Awareness of what is happening is the first and often most difficult step. And just when we think we know what the defenses look like, they change up.
Oh, and also forgot to mention. Breaking my ankle also prevented me from attending a “Trauma Informed Practice” workshop that I was scheduled to attend which would have been paid for by my employer (I was looking forward to it). Go figure!
Oh yeah. The controller loves to get in the way of that.
This is so spot on. The whole process is so indescribably painful and overwhelming but you describe it very well and clearly. I bow to you!
Thank you Kate!!
E, I love this post. Thanks for making me feel less abnormal. I have been bloated for almost 2 weeks making it very uncomfortable to sit, exercise, etc. It’s like I’ve been blown up like a balloon and I can’t release the pressure. I have been exercising despite it, but its incredibly difficult. Now I’m beginning to wonder if its happening with all the “excavating” I’ve been doing in this recovery process. Like something is not “letting go” and I feel “stuffed”. It’s almost symbolic.
I totally agree with that. It actually be an attempt to “hold on” to some old stuff. Keep going and it will release.
Thank you so much.
Did you ever discover what they were defending you from? Not asking what the memory was, but was it so harmful a memory- tsunami type damage? Was the strength of the defense equivalent to the strength of pain from the past?
That is an excellent question! The strength of the defense was NOT equivalent to the strength of the pain. The controller was in self-preservation mode. They were trying to retain their power over another part (which I refuse to allow or have any part of at this point). To be fair to the controller, they do believe the other parts will destroy my life with their characteristics, opinions and tendencies. That’s not true though.