I have been experiencing an intense inner battle lately. It is stirring up my system and creating anxiety I haven’t felt for a while. Don’t get me wrong, it was normal for me to feel this in the past. I am grateful my anxiety has dissipated in recent years. But it’s hard to find appreciation for my growth right now because I am inundated with this latest battle. It takes most of my energy. I think it is unusually strong because the controller is fighting for their life. They do this often when new inner parts reveal themselves. But something about this latest freedom fighter is making the controller extra nervous.
I named this new freedom fighter “the passive one” when I first met her. She was relegated to this role because that is what society tells us to do with the feminine. The feminine is weak and vulnerable, even lazy. And so she became that. But she is none of these things. She is compassionate, but she is fed up with this world which takes the masculine too far. She is a creator and a destroyer. She is my Mother Mary, my Quan Yin and my Kali all together. She is the feminine to my controller’s masculine. She is the yin to my controller’s yang. Yes. They are twins and her power is as big (if not bigger). She was suppressed from years of personal and societal attacks. But she is no wilting flower. She will no longer be suppressed. She is the goddess. And she will never be passive.
Her message indicates big changes, the kind of changes that make a controller feel very unsafe. She believes that nothing matters. This started out being an entirely futile message. “It doesn’t matter what I do because nothing will ever get better.” But it is starting to transform. It is starting to shift directions as I express from her. It is still the message that nothing matters. But it is different. It is more grounded now.
“It doesn’t matter if you are five minutes late. Don’t stress about it.”
“It doesn’t matter if some people don’t like you or your message on Facebook. There will be plenty who do.”
“It doesn’t matter if the house is clean when friends come. They will like you anyway.”
Not surprisingly, my controller is not having it. To the controller, things need to be perfect. Approval and acceptance needs to be all encompassing. Details cannot be ignored because things will go wrong. We will be punished for the smallest mistake. And so goes the battle in my head. But this week, the battle is taking a different turn. It is becoming a battle of visibility. With the work I do, this battle is not new. But this is going to new depths.
Through the Detox Program, I have seen an uptick in visibility because of the great response from all of you. You are so dedicated to healing and you really do understand the process of healing. But folks are wandering into my program who have never read my blogs and have never tried to access their inner parts before. And honestly, some don’t get it. They are controller-enmeshed and they want me to stop it! And my own controller is reeling from the disapproval. My own controller wants to be loved by all.
But my goddess says, “So what?” Get the message out there. If they don’t like it, they can move along. People need to know this. People need to read this. People need to understand that healing happens when we go deep. If you keep it a secret, who does that help? Staying small isn’t the answer.
And so the battle goes. It deepens my discomfort, but it keeps me questioning. What is my next step? How big is it? Can I handle it? Can I handle the negativity and disapproval from a controller-enmeshed world? It takes faith on a massive scale to venture into visibility. The reminders of the old world are always knocking at the door. In that world, there was punishment, rejection and abandonment. In that world, the childhood world, those things were synonymous with death.
But I have power now. I have power that the controller-enmeshed don’t have. That power comes from intuition. That power comes from living outside of a fear-based belief system. That power comes from the understanding that I will be supported as I travel my purpose. I don’t have to be afraid of the “nay-sayers”. I don’t have to be afraid of those who claim to be more degreed, more knowledgeable, more practical or more sane. I have lived that life and it was hell. I have lived in the fear that makes me want to tear others down because they scared me. And I was truly miserable.
Somehow I will find a way out of this battle and be the better for it. I will find my way out of the fear-based maze my controller created to keep me “safe”. I know there is a different way to live, even though I am not fully embodied in it. I can sense it right below the surface. Living a life of chains doesn’t end when we leave our childhoods. Freedom isn’t physical in nature. We chain ourselves from the inside out. We become slaves to the fear. We run from that which lives inside us and we are never free. And while I may be scared as hell, I am done with the chains.
Note: If you are a man who reads my blog, thank you for embracing your inner parts. I want to stress that this part exists in all of us. All genders hold the masculine and feminine.
Don’t stop writing! Don’t stop sharing! We need you! We really need you! We need THE REAL you to shine and express! As you said, the people who “know better” don’t know better. And they’re hurting all of us. They add abuse on top of abuse. The so-called experts are hurting a lot of people. And taking a lot of money! Please keep doing what you’re doing. Becoming more visible is terrifying, but you were destined for this!
Thank you Andrea! Your words mean so much. Deep down, I know I am never meant to stop.
I hope you feel better. Winter sucks. There is joy and light to be found if you ask God for it.
Your work has been my answered prayer. Thank you for sharing this message and your wisdom.
Thank you so much Samaria!
I always appreciate your transparency Elisabeth. It helps me accept and have more compassion for myself.
Thank you Joan!
I have spent what seems like my entire life in either chaos or therapy and nothing has ever made as much sense as connecting with your truth…I relate so much and it is so validating to know that I’m not an alien entity and tgere is hope…Thank you Elisabeth
Thank you so much Sally! I am so glad I am helping you.
Don’t stop doing exactly what you are doing. You are a source of power and inspiration even when you share things that made you feel weak!
Only a few people(3 or 5)-that write about healing-reach my heart and DEFINITELY you are one of them!!!
Thank you so much Joy! I feel honored to be one of those people.
What if….you don’t need to know the next step? What if….you are already handling it? What if…you reminded yourself that you are already visible. What if….you recognized that the negativity and disapproval you receive was based in the fear that others carry – a burden that is not yours or anyone else’s but the person who carries it.
Can you just be in that place of acceptance, knowing that you do not need to change anything? Know that you are already where and who you need to be.
Thank you for sharing the goddess with us. The help and support you send out is returned to you. You are loved both in your strength and your vulnerability.
Hugs and deep gratitude.
Thank you Wendy. It is my controller that is struggling with not knowing the next step and the negativity from others. I work hard to separate from those struggles and remember that I don’t need to be consumed by those things. It works most of the time. Hopefully, the goddess will make that a bit easier.
Thank you. This message resonates. The negative stuff I grew up with was oh-so-mild compared to yours, but still negative. “I have lived in the fear that makes me want to tear others down because they scared me.” Recognizing it as fear turns the light on.
Thank you Bev. It really does help to see that. It’s not always easy to see.
You and your ideas and website are genius. It is what the world of Trauma and ACE and CEN needs! Keep up the good work! thank you for inspiring me in my personal life and professional life.
Thank you so much Els! You are so kind!
Raw… so needed to hear this… I’m doing the 30 day… and this us why I’m feeling so anxious lately…Thank you lol seriously no more blocks
Writing in this way will definitely bring up our defenses (which shows up as anxiety). Thank you for your courage to stick with it.
Thank you, Elizabeth. These words came right when I needed them. Your work is needed.
Thank you Maria!
Loved this post – thank you! You know how we get so many messages and I have to admit I often scroll past but I do try to read yours as I love your honesty and there is always something that resonates with me. This time it was the part about wanting to ‘be out there’ but struggling to deal with the problems that visibility can bring. I too am trying to express myself and stop my people-pleaser from making me play it safe. It is a great feeling when at last someone critisizes you and you realise that….wtf…..you’re not too bothered! I am trying to practise this and every time there is a new heart-sink comment or response I remember, this is a new opportunity to practise wtf!
It is such a healthy practice. It may be one of the hardest parts of our journey as humans. Love to you Kate.
Love your advice and helpful suggestions & will try to use them. Thanks so much.
Thank you Helen!
Keep on going!!! You’ll be free it of, it is your intention. Thank you for this
Thank you Katrijn!
Elizabeth, thank you for sharing your deep self with so much clarity. I am lucky to find you. I am 68 and still struggle to find and help myself. You are an amazing person and today already i learned so much! You offer so much insight for me. Thanks.
Thank you so much Arthur!
I don’t think this is your process alone, these same process’ have been coming up really strongly when we were doing our world work on my process course. It is massively in the field. It was extreamly hard to navigate and follow as it was. It must be double tricky with a trauma background. I have nothing but admiration for you
Thank you Lucy! I agree that this is a global issue. We all need to face this within ourselves.
You are an inspiration. May the love of the divine feminine support you as your controller struggles to concede to a new order. F the critics, we love you
Thank you Amanda!
I am truly grateful for the wisdom you share. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and it means a lot to be able to find support in everyday battles in the messages you’re sending out into the world.
Sharing your personal truth and you knowledge is huge and I really HOPE receiving it makes some people out there uncomfortable. Every piece contradicting unhealthy beliefs may be the one that provokes a change in someone!
Love, Ula
Thank you so much Ula.