I’ve Got This

I’ve Got This

I’ve hit a creative wall.  This is not unusual.  I have times when my controller pushes through something with the mind because the mean kid or inner rebel has shut down my ability to do anything useful.  It hits me when I decide to create a new program or create something for a client or update my website.  But this is new tonight.  I usually don’t hit the creative wall with my blog.  I always seem to have something to say on the blog.  The topic comes to me and magically, the content pours onto the page from a place that is beyond my intellect.  It almost feels like cheating.  I hear from my fellow bloggers who struggle with creating enough content and I don’t want to tell them it isn’t a struggle for me.

But it is a struggle tonight.  There is no topic tonight.  There is only the blank page.  So I did something I have never done.  I just started typing.  This isn’t something I do.  I have always been substantially enmeshed with my controller, which means everything has to have a plan.  Everything has to have a direction before I start.  “Go with the flow” is not something I say on the regular.  But tonight, out of desperation, I am giving it a try.  I am trusting in the universe to take me where I need to go.  That never lasts long, but we will see.

It isn’t surprising that I am struggling at the moment.  It has been a tough week.  I have been processing my inner rebel and she is taking me down some exhausting emotional roads.  My son had his third surgical procedure (albeit minor) from a toenail accident that happened 2 years ago which refuses to resolve itself.  And my daughter now has strep.  Even my dog started randomly limping for one night just to keep me on my toes.  It all feels a bit overwhelming sometimes.  I love what I do, but running a business isn’t easy.  I love my kids, but being a single mother is … well … impossible.  Managing everything with no help from family can sometimes pile up and pound me over the head.  It is in those moments that creativity leaves me.

But I am not looking for pity or concern.  In the scheme of things, I am doing okay.  Why?  Recovery.  While sometimes, I can lose faith in this recovery work because it feels never-ending, I can usually acknowledge how far I have come.  And right now, I know that this week’s happenings would have rattled me much more a year ago.  I would have struggled more.  I would have felt far more futility.  I would have sabotaged myself more.  I would have slept less.  There would have been more wine.  I’m not suggesting there has been no wine, but much less wine.  And there would have been more emotion coming out sideways in the form of misplaced anger.

I know my progress is real and I know things will improve as they always do.  But I can hear that voice in the back of my head saying, “The universe hates you.”  I hear those inner parts who feel strongly that all of this is punishment.  This is a common chorus when the things pile on as they inevitably do.  And I yearn for the day when I will just handle it.  I long for the moment when the bad things will happen and I will know with all of my being that it is “just a thing”.  I can’t wait to take my action steps toward resolution without the whispers of futility telling me it won’t do any good because there will just be another bad thing.

In reality, I know it is the inner futility that makes life so exhausting.  It isn’t the things I have to address.  Those are just things.  And they will always be there in life.  They have to be.  That is life.  But the fighting against life is exhausting.  The fighting against life makes it feel like too much.  One day, I am going to hang up my boxing gloves.  I am going to back that bull out of the china shop.  And I am going to stop fighting life so hard when things come my way.  And maybe, I will be sitting here in a year or two writing a blog post about how much better I am handling life than I used to handle life.  Or maybe I’ll be missing those days when my kids had a sewn-up toe and strep between them, but could spend a week playing video games and reading library books.  Maybe the bad things will be bigger.  Maybe they won’t.  Maybe I’ll handle them better.  Maybe I won’t.  But one thing I know for sure.

Life is going to keep happening and it won’t all be pretty.

And I’ll handle it.

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10 Comments

  1. Thank you for being so real and authentic. This resonates so deeply and gives me hope. I was going to end with my prayers and hope for things to get better for you. In truth I think this post in indicative of your strength. Bless you. Thanks for giving me hope.

    Reply
    • Thank you so much Pearl!

      Reply
  2. Yes Elisabeth you will handle it. Ive no doubt about your abilities but it sounds like your having a tough time at the moment so sending you love and hugs.
    For my sanity and recovery I too had to cut all ties with my adoptive family.
    It is very very very hard raising children without an extended family, plus me being me, I find it difficult-takes me ages- to get/allow people close to me so my support system is tiny, but Im working on it…….always working on it.:)
    For years I felt so hurt that I was on my own, at times almost blaming myself, thinking maybe I shouldn’t have had kids.
    Like you say; It is just another thing to deal with……
    Best wishes Elisabeth,
    Sending you tons of strength from England.

    Reply
    • Thank you Yvette. Thank you for your courage to keep going and keep working to make a better life for you and your kids too. I go to those same places of doubt. I really get it. Sending you love and light from Virginia!

      Reply
  3. Beautiful Being. Thank you for the honesty, thank you for the sharing. When you show your vulnerability I can stay in contact with myself without judgement. Much Love

    Reply
    • Thank you so much Silvia! I am glad I can help in that way. It means so much to me.

      Reply
  4. Ditto

    Reply
  5. Perhaps we need to look at it from a different lens. At first, it was more the picture you posted for this blog that seemed to resonate for me. So I explored that and … well lets face it… many of us did get handed the short end of the stick (not stating this from victim mode but it is what it is) and as such if we can still “trudge on” and find the moments in life that bring a smile to our face and some joy and happiness….then I say DAMN! we are doing okay! In fact, considering everything, we are doing MORE than okay. We can rise above the package of crap we were handed and not just survive it but thrive it! Yes, we will have moments of YUCK but don’t you think that all things considered that is pretty damn good, especially when we look behind us at all that we have overcome 🙂

    Thank you for showing us the progress we have all made and are continuing to make each and every day sometimes even just by showing up.

    Hugs and love

    Reply
    • You are so right Wendy. Thank you for your perspective and for showing up every day. Love to you.

      Reply

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