I have to admit something I am not proud of. I find myself having an inner temper tantrum this morning. It has to do with current events which I try hard to avoid on my blog, not because I don’t have opinions, but because I don’t want to trigger people more than usual. But this morning I am having a temper tantrum about the attacks on London. You may be thinking that is not something to be ashamed of and you would be right. We are all allowed to be angry as hell. But I am not proud because of the reason for my tantrum. It isn’t because I hate terrorism (even though I do). It isn’t because I hate the targeting of girls by evil men who justify hate with their beliefs (even though I do). It isn’t because I feel for the victims and their families (even though I do). It isn’t even because I have several clients who are dealing with triggers from these attacks (even though I do). It is for purely selfish reasons.
I am traveling to London soon. I won’t be there long. It is a a stop-over on the way to another city. But I will be there. It is the first time I am leaving the U.S. in 8 years and the first time I will be in London in 11 years. I have a special place in my heart for the “Land of the Eng”. I lived there for a while in my early years. And I miss it terribly. I have been excited for this trip for some time (and I still am). But the tantrum is bringing up all the old fears and beliefs. And it is hard to ignore.
“This is why you should never go anywhere.”
“Nothing will ever work out for you.”
“Everyone will think you are crazy and irresponsible if you go now.”
“You were stupid to think you could get away and have it be easy.”
But I never thought it would be easy. I hear my resistance loud and clear. My controller is sounding all the normal alarms about my selfishness and irresponsibility. My mean kid is screaming about my worthlessness. There is even the paranoia from karma kid. I knew that going on this trip, or any trip, would bring up the inner resistance for me to address, even embrace through writing. But this situation has certainly added to the intensity. And that intensity has awoken me to something very important.
Somewhere deep down inside, I believe that someday, some way, my recovery would make my decisions easier. I believed that one day, I would wake up and know exactly what to do every time I needed to take action. I would have such a deep connection with my intuition that I would never question my decisions or allow external manifestations to create inner confusion. And while on some level, my ability to follow my intuition has grown stronger, it hasn’t made decision-making easier. The decisions have just become more difficult. I have learned that intuition is never the easy way. It is always the tougher decision, the more difficult path.
So as usual, I have discovered the real problem is not with my external life, but with my unrealistic expectations with how that life is going to go. Decisions aren’t going to get easier. But those difficult intuitive decisions will result in better things. Emotions aren’t going to go away. But allowing my feelings will continue to result in more inner peace. Inner resistance won’t leave forever. But my ability to process it will continue to open me up to more and more of my innate self. My recovery is not going to land me on Easy Street. And as soon as I can embrace the fact that life doesn’t work like that, the sooner I can enjoy what actually is happening in my life. Because perfection isn’t coming. But really good stuff is.
Yes. It is hard to coordinate leaving for a week because I am a single parent with no family support.
Yes. It is difficult to take a week without pay when I am running my own business.
Yes. My inner parts are freaking out because it is too risky in their opinion.
Yes. The world has a ton of evil assholes doing horrible things.
But I can afford a trip for the first time in a long time. I have friends in England and Scotland that I can’t wait to see, and in some cases, meet outside of the virtual world for the first time. I have a life that affords me the privilege of travel. I have incredibly good, reliable care for my kids. I have a right to do something for myself, even something big for myself.
And I will.