It Doesn’t Get Easier, but We Get Stronger

It Doesn’t Get Easier, but We Get Stronger

I have to admit something I am not proud of.  I find myself having an inner temper tantrum this morning.  It has to do with current events which I try hard to avoid on my blog, not because I don’t have opinions, but because I don’t want to trigger people more than usual.  But this morning I am having a temper tantrum about the attacks on London.  You may be thinking that is not something to be ashamed of and you would be right.  We are all allowed to be angry as hell.  But I am not proud because of the reason for my tantrum.  It isn’t because I hate terrorism (even though I do).  It isn’t because I hate the targeting of girls by evil men who justify hate with their beliefs (even though I do).  It isn’t because I feel for the victims and their families (even though I do).  It isn’t even because I have several clients who are dealing with triggers from these attacks (even though I do).  It is for purely selfish reasons.

I am traveling to London soon.  I won’t be there long.  It is a a stop-over on the way to another city.  But I will be there.  It is the first time I am leaving the U.S. in 8 years and the first time I will be in London in 11 years.  I have a special place in my heart for the “Land of the Eng”.  I lived there for a while in my early years.  And I miss it terribly.  I have been excited for this trip for some time (and I still am).  But the tantrum is bringing up all the old fears and beliefs.  And it is hard to ignore.

“This is why you should never go anywhere.”

“Nothing will ever work out for you.”

“Everyone will think you are crazy and irresponsible if you go now.”

“You were stupid to think you could get away and have it be easy.”

But I never thought it would be easy.  I hear my resistance loud and clear.  My controller is sounding all the normal alarms about my selfishness and irresponsibility.  My mean kid is screaming about my worthlessness.  There is even the paranoia from karma kid.  I knew that going on this trip, or any trip, would bring up the inner resistance for me to address, even embrace through writing.  But this situation has certainly added to the intensity.  And that intensity has awoken me to something very important.

Somewhere deep down inside, I believe that someday, some way, my recovery would make my decisions easier.  I believed that one day, I would wake up and know exactly what to do every time I needed to take action.  I would have such a deep connection with my intuition that I would never question my decisions or allow external manifestations to create inner confusion.  And while on some level, my ability to follow my intuition has grown stronger, it hasn’t made decision-making easier.  The decisions have just become more difficult.  I have learned that intuition is never the easy way.  It is always the tougher decision, the more difficult path.

So as usual, I have discovered the real problem is not with my external life, but with my unrealistic expectations with how that life is going to go.  Decisions aren’t going to get easier.  But those difficult intuitive decisions will result in better things.  Emotions aren’t going to go away.  But allowing my feelings will continue to result in more inner peace.  Inner resistance won’t leave forever.  But my ability to process it will continue to open me up to more and more of my innate self.  My recovery is not going to land me on Easy Street.  And as soon as I can embrace the fact that life doesn’t work like that, the sooner I can enjoy what actually is happening in my life.  Because perfection isn’t coming.  But really good stuff is.

Yes.  It is hard to coordinate leaving for a week because I am a single parent with no family support.

Yes.  It is difficult to take a week without pay when I am running my own business.

Yes.  My inner parts are freaking out because it is too risky in their opinion.

Yes.  The world has a ton of evil assholes doing horrible things.

But I can afford a trip for the first time in a long time.  I have friends in England and Scotland that I can’t wait to see, and in some cases, meet outside of the virtual world for the first time.  I have a life that affords me the privilege of travel.  I have incredibly good, reliable care for my kids.  I have a right to do something for myself, even something big for myself.

And I will.

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26 Comments

  1. Yes! Elisabeth you’re going to have the time of your LIFE! your perspective is spot on! It’s realistic and a great practice in thinking. I’m excited and happy for you! you truly deserve this trip, and all of the other great things to come!!!!

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    • Thank you so much Katrina!

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  2. Have a wonderful adventure Elisabeth.

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  3. Enjoy your trip Elizabeth all will be well for you!

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  4. Elisabeth I remember when you first talked about how your inner parts were reacting to your decision to go to England. You were determined to go & worked with them on that. Now current events in England have given some of your parts hard evidence that it is a dangerous & foolhardy trip. Well done on persevering.

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    • Oh yes. They are using it against me. But I am going to stick with that crazy intuition of mine. It keeps taking me on the best adventures.

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  5. How wonderful Elisabeth! You will have an amazing trip! This is coming to you because you are ready and the door is wide open – take that leap and enjoy! Opportunities and great experiences are now on their way to you. How wonderful to be aware of the fear and anxiety and walk through that door anyway. You will come back with the knowledge that you followed your heart and it was EXACTLY the right thing to do! <3

    Hugs, have fun and thank you for sharing the bravery to take a leap of faith! You lead so others can follow xoxo

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    • Thank you so much Wendy!

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  6. Thank you for being a brave and honest role model! It’s so refreshing to hear someone talk about recovery in such a balanced way. Life won’t be perfect! It won’t be easy! Anyone peddling those ideas is a fraud! But you’re teaching us all that there are good things at the end of the trauma rainbow. Or rather… along the journey.

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    • Thank you Andrea. That was a great way to put it.

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  7. All I will say is, you rock! You have courage like none other. Why? Because you face your fears head on; that’s courage. And, you’re taking that and changing (slowly) not only your life, but many other lives. Thank you for showing us it can be done.

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    • Thank you Andrea! Your words mean so much!

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  8. Come to London, the American media is really playing it up. Come and see how stoic and unafraid us British are. People refuse to act scared and there has been a great outpouring of love between communities. We are a brave lot who won’t succumb to fear tactics xx

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    • I agree with you Lucy! That’s why I know better than to be deterred. I have actually started to look at this trip as my own expression of solidarity with my British brothers and sisters. Fearless!

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  9. I agree that you are amazingly candid and yes, anyone who thinks we will have Eden this side of life will be disappointed. But you are willing to risk and live – and so are the girls you inspire. Thank you so much right from South Africa and you go girl, we root for you!

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  10. YES! You go, Elisabeth! Thank you for sharing your courage with us. Have the best trip <3

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  11. I’m English! I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and have found it a real support. I do find it frustrating that I can’t seem to find the same support over here. I’d love to meet you.

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  12. My home is just 34 miles from London and in a couple of weeks time I too will be going there to spend time with a friend. Is this a bad decision? No, I don’t think it is. Nor do I believe it to be foolhardy. Because whilst there are certainly additional factors to consider now in the light of recent events there, I remind my younger (concerned) parts that my decision making is based on experience, reflection, wisdom, and good judgement…and why keeping the spirit strong is so important.
    I hope you enjoy every moment of your visit. Have fun!

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    • That’s fantastic Olive. I love this! I am feeling good about going (when my risk averse parts are not in charge). I am arranging a little social at a coffee house. If you are interested, send me an email.

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  13. “Because perfection isn’t coming. But really good stuff is.”
    This is exactly what I needed to read. I have such high hopes that I can get my life ‘on track’ or at least get out of survival mode and thive. But I can make the most of now and process and reject the despair that is keeping me disconnected with my life now!
    Thank you for your writing and website- it’s been a haven for me lately!

    Reply
    • Thank you so much Staci.

      Reply

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