5 Reasons Recovery is Not Fair & 3 Things You Can Do About It
During the past ten years, I have been on a recovery journey full of miracles and pain which surpassed my greatest imagination. And over the past three years, I have worked with many survivors of trauma who are taking their own trek to find a better way of living. I have learned many lessons about life from my own journey and the journeys of others. But there is one life lesson that rises to the top.
It’s not fair!
That may sound like the ranting of a two-year-old, but it’s also true. There is nothing particularly fair about this life. And when it comes to a childhood of trauma, it is the most unfair. What do I mean? I thought you would never ask. I’ve been creating a list just to prove my point.
- We have to treat our inner parts like nobody ever treated us. You may have heard of the term “re-parenting” during your recovery journey. It may have even triggered you. How dare anyone suggest that you have to do the job your parents never did. It isn’t fair that we have to be compassionate, accepting and loving to our inner parts when we never experienced it. How are we supposed to do that? How do we express love we never had? Where do we start?
- There was nobody to save us in childhood and there is nobody to save us now. Despite our deep longing for a savior, human beings are not capable of saving another. They may be able to do it for a while, but it is not sustainable. It is not sustainable because it is a lie. Our only path forward is to recognize the power within us, the fact that we are meant to save ourselves. How do we recognize a power we lost so many years ago at the hands of abusers? How do we find it again?
- We have to trust to heal, but we rarely knew anyone we could trust. After years of relational abuse, the idea of trusting others is absurd. It is also highly unlikely to be fruitful in the early years of recovery. We are still holding too much inner turmoil to attract trustworthy people. But after some time in recovery, we have to dip our toe in the deep, scary waters of trust. How are we supposed to trust after years and years of abuse, manipulation and victimization? How do we allow it?
- We have to experience the same cycle of pain in adulthood until we heal. When it comes to healing, we can ignore it all we want. But it isn’t going anywhere. We will spend a lifetime in the patterns of our childhood until we recognize we have healing to do. I affectionately refer to these patterns as baseball bats from the universe. And they hit harder as we ignore them. But when our trauma is unconscious, it feels like we are being victimized over and over with no explanation. How do we see what we have trained ourselves not to see?
- We were abused in isolation and we must heal in isolation. Recovery is a lonely experience. It is rare that we find others in recovery. If we do, they may or may not be prepared to take their recovery as deep as we are willing to go. And the people who prefer our pre-recovery self are almost never safe as we explore healing. Not to mention, society has very little patience for expressing emotions and truth. This leads to invalidating experiences at every turn. It can become necessary to go it alone if we want to avoid triggering invalidation from others. Once we become grounded in our new truth and have built positive relationships with our inner parts, we can start attracting healthy and validating people in to our lives, but it seems like too little too late. Why can’t we have validation when we need it most? Why can’t we feel less isolated in recovery?
I know I have made my case by now. Trauma and its recovery is an unfair experience. I am sharing this not because I want pity for me and others on this journey. I am sharing this to validate the experiences of other survivors who are tired, exhausted of tackling the seemingly impossible. I am sharing this to let other survivors know that I get it. And while I can’t make it fairer, I can let you know there are things you can do about this intensely unfair process.
- You can have compassion for yourself as you trudge along this lonely process with no experience. You are going to screw it up. You are going to feel like crap. You are going to forget what you have learned on a cognitive level when you are inundated with emotion. That is okay. I know what you’re thinking. “But I never learned compassion.” So make sure to have compassion about your lack of compassion too.
- You can try to understand that you are not in charge of this process. It is true. You aren’t. You cannot figure out how to re-parent yourself on a cognitive level because you never learned it on a cognitive level. But your higher self knows how to do these things. Do your best to know that you will be helped along the way by something much deeper than your logic.
- Find any validation you can. It isn’t going to look perfect. Your family is not going to knock on your door and tell you they are sorry (probably). Your unhealed friends aren’t coming over to let you cry on their shoulder. But validation is out there. Read books by people who have done it. Join virtual and in-person groups who get your struggles. Find coaches and therapists who validate your journey. It won’t be perfect, but you can find it.
Take it from me, I know how unfair this process is. I know this is a brutal journey that seems like an insurmountable mountain to climb. But there are others who get it. Do what you can to find your validation and own your truth. It may be unfair, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
Thank you for this article. I never stopped to think that there are other people who feel as alone as I do. It is refreshing to hear someone say that you have to find your own strength. So many times I read that people need a strong support system, aka, friends and family to heal. What people do not realize is a lot of us do not have that. I do not know if this article is about all trauma or certain ones but I was verbally and emotionally abused heavily by my family when I was growing up. The only person I thought I could talk to was my mom but all she ever did was tell me to ignore it and stop whining about everything.
Thank you Carol. I think this applies to so many types of trauma, but mostly relational. And unfortunately we cannot receive validation from the very people who created that trauma in the first place. That is a huge part of the unfairness to this process. It takes a while to find people we can trust.
I totally empathize with you, as I had a similar experience and feel similar things. It’s taken me a many tries, but I think i finally have a few friends that are reliable. For me, its been hard to work through but this article really explains a lot of helpful pieces I don’t think came to my mind at first.
Thank you for writing it!
Thank you Tyler. I am so happy to hear you have some reliable friends. It can make such a difference in the journey.
#4….#4….#4….#4!!! This obviously resonates hugely for me. How do we see what we have trained ourselves not to see?
Still working on it. I have repressed most of my childhood (for good reason) and due to that, it can be very challenging when triggered to figure out exactly what it is that is the trigger as there is no memory/visual to assist with clarity. I REALLY have to feel into it and even then sometimes it can be a challenge to figure out. In those moments the only thing I can do is acknowledge and accept the “feeling” that is coming up without any clarity. I just sit in it and send love to the little part.
This whole blog in particular resonates strongly for me and yet it is comforting as well with the knowledge that I am not travelling alone. I can then send caring, loving thoughts out to the others that also have to travel a similar path and hope that the ripples are felt as they work on their own healing.
Hugs, Wendy
Thank you Wendy! Repression is a huge problem for so many of us. Sometimes we do have to accept the feeling without an understanding of it. It can also help to write from it when we can and if it’s available.
Yes I resonate with this too. Never have I heard this put so succinctly in words. Thank you for getting it and being so validating. I do feel very alone and lonely in this process, and your the only one I have heard say we have to heal in isolation since the abuse happened in isolation.
Thank you Debbie. It is such a lonely process. But at least we can be lonely together. 🙂
Such a timely article for me to read right now, thanks Elisabeth.
I have felt so alone on this journey lately and it’s nice to hear you validate what I am going through. It gives me strength to stay my course while realizing it is WORK and work is not always easy!
Thank you Jeff. I am so glad I could validate you today. This is work.
Oops! Sorry but I filled out the wrong field & subscribed yet again. Hope I haven’t mucked up your metrics 🙂
“baseball bats from the universe.” really love that. My personal favourite is inner part possession or ambush or take over.
Thanks for helping me with my pre-Christmas overwhelm. Today I am feeling great. Good timing for having my adult kids & grandson over for an early Cristmas lunch today.
As usual you have written a succinct, intelligent blog Elisabeth. Have a lovely Christmas.
I am so glad you are feeling great today Peter! You are doing amazing work. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too.
“Having compassion for my lack of compassion”…thank you for reminding me of this and for this blog. Found it really reassuring. I always think I am the only one who doesn’t get it!
Don’t let your parts convince you that you are isolated. This work is just plain hard. Love to you Emily.
No Emily, I have to be the only one who doesn’t get it. Ahaha. I love your response. It fills in after such a great message. Gratitude, new for me, goes out to you both!
Love how you are able to articulate and express how I feel. I am on my healing journey and so upset at times that I need to parent myself at 51. But I must. Compassion. Compassion. Yes, I must be gentle with myself.
Thank you Jocelyn. Be gentle for sure. This is not easy.
Thank you for saying and trusting that the healing we do in isolation counts! So much emphasis on since the trauma occurred in relationship, we have to heal in relationship. But I think you are right, there is a pre- relational step where we learn to listen and see and attend to what is going on inside. Otherwise we look for saviors that we don’t really know what we need saving from, or for. I also loved it when you said saviors are a lie- that the way forward is to recognize the power within us, and the fact that we are meant to save ourselves, with higher self than logical figuring things out. Great message. Thanks
Thank you Wendy. I am so glad this post resonated with you.
Beautiful post. Captures wisdom about this process so simply. Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Thank you! Merry Christmas to you!
Elisabeth, thanks for directing me to this post! I am going to disagree a little (respectfully I hope ?). I know I am extremely lucky to have found good therapists so I have been able to have a healing journey helped enormously by a ‘reparenting’ therapeutic relationship. People within my social and family relationships know very little, to absolutely nothing of my trauma, and even those who do know a little have limited to no awareness of the implications of trauma on one’s life…..so in those areas of my life, yes, I am isolated. However, for me at least, without my therapist’s trauma knowledge, patience, and appropriate ‘reparenting’, I doubt I would ever be able to achieve the healing I have. As I have probably said before, I needed to experience developmental stages that had previously been denied to me. (Like many, my trauma began at birth) So while I don’t doubt that healing can happen without good therapy, to say that it must occur in isolation because our abuse occurred in isolation does not ring true for me. We are all different, but it was not so much what happened to me, but the isolation in which it happened that was the problem…..until I understood that and had a different experience through therapy, I repeatedly struggled with any sense of healing. Now that my younger self has had an experience of connection, and has a sense of existing, that existence gives me a starting point for future healing exploration which may or may not include others.
Thanks so much for your articles and the chance to exchange ideas and thoughts
This article is not referring to therapeutic relationships, so sorry for that confusion. I do think true healing requires healthy helper relationships. But friendships and intimate relationships can be extremely difficult to maintain when we are still attracting the dysfunction our parts are so used to. That is where the isolation comes from. I have heard many of my clients state they can’t find a healthy relationship they don’t pay for.
Thanks for responding! Now I understand better ?. I 100 per cent agree about the difficulty in finding friendships and intimate relationships that are healthy and helpful. If I think about my journey and healing, I would have to say that my expectations of connection have lowered as my neediness has lessened. My healing/growth has allowed me tolerate and even find satisfaction in, and understanding about, relationships which previously did not meet my needs, or to let go of relationships, which for me at the time were less than helpful.
Yes, it is hard work! Initially it just seemed like surviving….but now I feel I have greater understanding of what’s happening and why, but it is still a continual learning experience…..and often still a lonely one.
It is really helpful to be able to discuss all this, for me to have a space to comment and to be able to sort out misunderstandings. Thank you so much
Thank you so much Jane.
Thank you so much for this post! Your clear words are powerful and wisely expressed. Some days and even feeling like seasons, I just get so tired of feeling alone, that no one gets it. Even my very few healthy friends, have their limits in understanding this type of healing. I still struggle with the triggering of other people’s unconscious blind attachment to familial abuse that my story brings out in others, which invalidates me and reminds me of my former unhealed parts. I feel insecure and unsure in how to connect with people. I do want to connect and make mutually beneficial healthy relationships. I have to learn that from the ground up. Parent myself and my kids, with nothing to go on. It’s so hard sometimes. Thankfully I’ve been in this long enough to know that all seasons change. I know that I’m choosing the harder but better way to live, by working at this, despite how my feelings can change. This post helped me feel less alone, and helped keep me motivated to stay in this. Thanks again!
Thank you so much Vida. Relationships are so hard for us. You are not alone in your struggles. But thank you for your courage to heal yourself.
Than you ever so much. I will take this as my greatest Christmas present and for a happy new life.
May you have one brilliant Christmas time and Happy New Year with your family
Also to everyone else who also contribute to this work.
Have a lovely Christmas for ourselves and our loved ones and may the new year bring more growth and happiness to us all
This is so true. My trauma last 25 years. My mother tried to kill me more then once I wish she had finished the job.
I am so sorry Michelle for all you have been through.
Thank you for writing this. Reading #2 helped me so much. It was initially devastating but also helped me move past my neediness with others. It also helped stop the codependent in me who wants to fix everyone else’s problems. Can I ask you, what is the point of making connections with others if there is no neediness involved? I spent the last 5 years trying to learn how to make friends and it was a disaster. After reading this article it became clear to me why I was failing. I sought out relationships for only two reasons; either the person can help fix me or I can help fix the other person. Now that I understand that neither of those is a healthy friendships I am left wondering what would motivate me to seek out friendships at all. What is it that you get out of a healthy friendship? I apologize if this is a confusing question – i’m only just now understanding the concept of friends outside of the dysfunction of abuse.
Great questions Caroline. I am not sure there is supposed to be a point in connections with other – not in the sense of how we see it. It is really about love and connection for the sake of love and connection. That said, I will also note that as humans, it might be impossible to move completely out of needs-based relationships. But we can make as much progress in that direction as possible.
I have taken a step back and started to notice the idea behind connection. I dont know if I’ll ever be able to apply the concept but I am content with the fact that now I at least know what not to do. Thanks so much for what you do.