Lately, I have been inundated with confusion. This is normally a sign that I am considering change. But I am not considering change in my conscious mind. I don’t understand it in my conscious mind. I am not in charge of it. It is something happening on an unconscious level. But in my conscious life, it wrecks havoc. I am completely unable to make a decision. I have no sense of my next direction. The only safe choice I can make is to wait. And I don’t wait well.
From what I have been able to figure out, there seems to be some debate about the concept of punishment versus ownership. This isn’t new. Since I discovered my Karma Kid inner part, this has been a common theme. But it seems there is a significant amount of inner debate at the moment.
What is the difference between taking ownership for past adult mistakes and assuming every bad occurrence is punishment for my past?
Is it possible to see bad things as “just a thing to be dealt with” instead of “the universe hating my guts”?
Can I let go of the self-blame for my childhood experiences, have compassion for my mistakes as an adult and still take ownership for those adult mistakes?
Can bad things happen without a temper tantrum? Can I allow them to happen without assuming the day, week, year is ruined? Can I allow them to happen without pointing to my clear failings as a human being?
These questions are up for debate at the moment. And it is anything but quiet. As I am sure you know, I write from my inner parts often. But right now, it sounds like a busy cafeteria. Everyone is talking simultaneously and attempting to be louder than the other. They may even be banging pans. Those who don’t live in a parts world are probably assuming I need to check in to a mental health institute. But I have been here before and I know it doesn’t last forever. Thank God it doesn’t last forever.
In the meantime, I have to push through life. I have to get stuff done. I am a single mother who runs a business, and that means I can’t sit on a mountain top while my inner parts conclude their argument. Granted, I don’t think anyone can do that, except maybe the monks. I believe it is real life that provides the triggers and experiences which allow for the change to happen in the first place. Of course, a day off every once in a while would not be such a bad thing.
This confusion is obviously disorienting. One of my primary defense mechanisms is to make everything cognitive and logical. This was my best attempt to stay out of my body and keep it all in my head. If I can reduce everything in the world to a cognitive process, I will never have to access my body or face my past. While I am slowly moving out of that mode, I do like to keep it available just in case. But when I am confused, it is not available. I can’t base my decisions on cold hard facts because none of them make any sense. Nothing is black and white anymore.
So I have to take a new approach. I have to embrace acceptance on some level. I have to know that I will not have the answer right now. I won’t make sense of it yet. I have to give time to my inner parts to consider their new possibility, even if that possibility has been my adult understanding for a while. I have to let them work through it while I sit back and wait. I have learned that everything is temporary. And while that isn’t the most comfortable understanding in the good moments, it helps in moments like this. I know the clarity will come back. I know that new understandings will come my way. And I know that it will impact my life positively if I can get out of the way.
But I have to learn how to get out of my way.
Great post Elisabeth. Sitting with confusion & having faith that your unconscious is working through something important is a good approach. I find that as the confusion decreases my logical mind can slowly start to collaborate. I find this method works well with anxiety & grief too. Eventually understanding & meaning comes, from which point I can start making good decisions about what I might need to do next eg read something, talk to someone etc
That is so true. When we can allow ourselves to wait through periods of anxiety, grief and confusion, it helps us cope with it much better.
Thank you Elisabeth. I found this really helpful and am very familiar with it. When you say get out of your own way what does this actually look like? I get confused by this! Do you write from your parts during these times?
I am going to say your favorite thing here Emily. I have to stop trying to control it. I have to stop trying to figure it out. If I can write from it, I will. Many times, it isn’t clear enough to write from it in these moments, which is hard for me though. I just have to sit with it. And I HATE sitting with it.
I call the loudness in my my head “Monkey Mind” and I now have the power to quiet it. Everyone does but it takes practice in letting go inside. Its a battle when we think of all the daily crap we have to do to get through in a day. All of our responsibilities are piling up, but we are the ones who are piling them on. I don’t have a child so I don’t know that chaos, but I come from craziness of 6 kids in a Jerry Springer kind of home. So when I start to feel uneasy about something I go to the voice in my head (the driver of the bus that is my life) and ask if its astute to do this or that and I go with the voice that says yes or no. If I get no answer I wait or do something different. I trust the voice because whats the worst thing that could happen? Nothing worse than I have already been through, and Im ok with that. Taking a moment every day to focus on gratitude and how I can help others is what gets me through the madness.
I am glad you have employed these strategies in your own life. They sound very helpful. I normally can quiet my mind and write from my inner parts, but there are special moments (like this one) where I am forced to allow the processing to happen without interference. This is one of those times. I am grateful they don’t happen often.
I’m going through this right now! Several things have happened recently that have made feel turmoil inside and confusion about things I thought were under control. Just like dominoes falling .. one after another. This doesn’t happen to me as often as it used to, but it does. I’m trying something different in getting ‘through’ this. I just set down my thinking, my analyzing, my trying to understand what the hell has happened and what I did wrong or how I have deserved this and I wait. I accept the sad. I accept the confusion and like autopilot I just go about my days quietly. And wait for it to pass. And like fortaypete has shared above, my logical mind eventually takes over.
During these times, I typically spend one good long session in tearful prayer (when that feeling comes that I’m going to a dark , quiet place again) asking God and my my better angels to care for me.
That’s beautiful Tricia. Thank you. This is exactly my approach during these times. I haven’t found another way.
Thank you for this post.
I am so ready to heal however I have been experiencing severe anxiety episodes or attacks recently that are complety effecting my everyday schedule. It troubles me even more at the fact that I do not know what triggers these traumatic anxiety episodes as they are not consistent
Hi Susan, They may not be triggered by something external. When we begin our journey, we will often experience these anxiety attacks because our inner parts are not comfortable with our actions toward recovery. They are angry and fearful that we want to change things. Try writing from your parts when you feel anxious. If you would like to talk with me about it, email me at beatingtrauma@gmail.com.
Hi Elizabeth. I kept feeling I had to pick a card for you and have tried to ignore it but that feeling of being pushed by the universe has got stronger. You have help me so perhaps I can give this to you. The card I picked is Playfulness
Page of Fire: Playfulness
Life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be, and when we recognize this fact, it responds by giving us more and more opportunities to play. The woman in this card is celebrating the joy of being alive, like a butterfly that has emerged from its chrysalis into the promise of the light. She reminds us of the time when we were children, discovering seashells on the beach or building castles in the sand without any concern that the waves might come and wash them away in the next moment. She knows that life is a game, and she’s playing the part of a clown right now with no sense of embarrassment or pretense.
When the Page of Fire enters your life, it is a sign that you are ready for the fresh and the new. Something wonderful is just on the horizon, and you have just the right quality of playful innocence and clarity to welcome it with open arms.
The moment you start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all the burden on your heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love–everything disappears. One starts living with a very light weight or almost no weight. So weightless one becomes, one can fly in the open sky.
Zen’s greatest contribution is to give you an alternative to the serious man. The serious man has made the world, the serious man has made all the religions. He has created all the philosophies, all the cultures, all the moralities; everything that exists around you is a creation of the serious man.
Zen has dropped out of the serious world. It has created a world of its own which is very playful, full of laughter, where even great masters behave like children.
Thank you Lucy. I love this card. It feels very appropriate for me right now.
Elisabeth,
Your vulnerability and honesty help me on my journey from trauma. Thank you!
Cori
Thank you Cori.
I have been going through Anxiety and Depression since 1990 and am on medication for it. I find it so hard when that lump in my stomach won’t go, it’s so hard to want to do anything. I just want to stay home in my own little world. When I am home I am normally fine, when we decide we are going on a holiday in our Motorhome I am fine when we say YES we will go but the closer I get to having to go I just would prefer not to.I find when I’m crafting I don’t think of anything else, it’s the only thing that helps.
It sounds like you have a strong isolator. So many of us do. It can feel so much safer if we stay at home.
Oh this here is so recognizable: «Can I let go of the self-blame for my childhood experiences, have compassion for my mistakes as an adult and still take ownership for those adult mistakes?» I am trying to work this out, too. And apparently I am completely trying to do it by logic and thinking….. I don’t know another way. Trying ro write «yet» but am being ridiculed by some inner part.
There are so many nuances here. The more you can write and hold compassion for how all your parts feel (including the parts who blame self), the more you will find this balance. Love to you Lotte.