Uncovering my unconscious beliefs has been a huge part of my recovery journey. My awareness has shifted my beliefs some, but it feels like they are holding on for dear life. I know I am still processing what created them. And I know it would be best to accept that. But my beliefs keep getting in the way.
Lately, my “not enough” beliefs have become more apparent and much louder as life becomes less predictable. That is probably why I can hear it like a loudspeaker right now. Not enough new clients. Not enough Facebook likes. Not enough workshops sold. Not enough emails received. Not enough income. Not enough sleep. Not enough time. Not enough of anything … ever. And we all know what happens when there is not enough. Disappointment happens. And gratitude is nowhere to be found.
I have been giving some thought to this phenomenon lately. Honestly, thinking is what I do, so I am sure there is no surprise there. But I have been wondering where it comes from. How can I want more when I believe I am not deserving of it? It seems so dichotomous. That being said, most belief systems based on trauma are not logical. And the more I consider it, the more it makes sense. Maybe I believe there is not enough because I believe I am not enough.
Where It Came From
I grew up in a family that didn’t believe in abundance. Some would save money obsessively only to have that money blown by other family members who were hoarding things. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy that is obvious to me now. But this pattern became ingrained in my psyche.
I must prepare now because one day, my luck will run out, and I will need all I saved. I must prepare for that day by hoarding as much stuff and money as possible, so that I can make it through the bad times. And the bad times are inevitable. It is only a matter of time. The other shoe will drop. I will be punished. The good times never last. And they are inevitably followed up by terrible things.
Of course, I know this stemmed from trauma. It is fear-based. So when things are going well, I anxiously prepare for the worst. And when things are going bad, I panic.
I have been reading about the idea that money flows in and out of our possession like the ocean waves or the air we breathe. I love this concept. It makes so much sense. I would even venture to say it is what is supposed to happen. But the trust it requires is astronomical. And there are few people who can accept it in practice. Of course, the people who accept it are doing quite well. And they probably won’t die of a heart attack at age 50 like me. But the idea of spending the last $50 in my bank account without the knowledge of where and when the next $50 will come from is terrifying. And yet, I must. This is how the flow works.
But that part of me who thinks my world is on the verge of collapse is not happy about that plan. That part is convinced there is not enough and there will never be enough. That part is convinced that I am signing my own death certificate. Yes. It is potentially that bad to her. And honestly, the evidence she requires is not available to me. I can’t know for sure that everything will be fine. How can I know? I can only trust. And that is not easy for a trauma survivor. We have been raised to practice anything but trust.
Is It All Bad?
And while my “not enough” expectations are currently founded in a lack of trust and gratitude, I wonder. I wonder if that part of me that needs more is actually right, but distorted by the trauma. I wonder if she is on to something.
Is it those same beliefs that get me out of bed in the morning when I am inundated with memories and emotions because I will no longer accept a life run by trauma?
Is it those same beliefs that make me try again after a bad parenting day because I will not settle for that as my norm?
Is it those same beliefs that keep me pushing at my fledgling business because I know I can reach more people, make more of an impact?
Is it those same beliefs that started this journey in the first place because I won’t settle for anything but a true-self experience?
So I practice acceptance of my “not enough” beliefs. I accept them because I want to accept all parts of myself. But I accept them for another reason. I accept them because they are rooted in a deep strength I was born to embody. I accept them because when founded in gratitude and trust, they are who I am. I will always want more, but not in a desperate, mistrusting way. I will always want more beauty, impact, love, truth, authenticity, abundance and fulfillment. I don’t see anything wrong with that.
If you want to build awareness and acceptance of your beliefs, consider my one-on-one survivor guidance sessions.