The Emptiness
Over the past few days, I have been feeling an unusual emptiness. It isn’t sadness or depression. I am used to those feelings. It is as though a part of me has dropped away. But this part of me is not really me. I am still here. I have checked in with my parts. They are still here. But they are a bit quieter, a bit less distracted, a bit less focused on the past. And maybe that feels empty to me.
What do I do with all of that extra time, energy, focus that was spent on the past? I am assuming I should spend it in the present moment. I should spend it manifesting my dreams. I have read that is a good thing to do. But I think I am in this middle period where something has left but nothing has come. And honestly, it feels weird. It isn’t a bad weird. It is like the first time I felt joy and I started to cry because I didn’t understand it.
I am not crying though. I am just sitting here staring at the wall (or writing like now). I am trying to understand this new feeling and let myself feel empty. I am trying to visualize the positive things that could fill it up. If I am not inundated by the response to my traumatic past, by the feelings of anger, the need for revenge, the grief of the deep loss that was my childhood, what could fill that space? More joy? More love? More present moment experiences with my children? More of this amazing work I have started to manifest? More abundance?
Possibility
That seems possible, even likely. So much more seems possible today. All those times I thought I would not have the time, the money, the space, the energy to add something to my life seem almost silly. And no, this doesn’t mean adding a bunch of busy tasks to my life, tasks that add no joy or value. I have always been good at squeezing one more thing in. This is about adding the good.
Maybe before, I thought I could only have so much good. Maybe before, I thought I had too much bad to deal with. There was no room or energy for any of the good. But if there really is a fresh slate, a clear space, if there is vacated trauma, why not fill up that space with my deepest wishes for my own life?
I have to laugh a little in this moment. I used to hear people talk like this and think, “That is nice for them. They are the lucky ones. They have not experienced my life. They wouldn’t possibly talk like that if they had been through my trauma.” But in reality, I think it takes this type of experience to bring us to the place where we can let go of it. When the past feels like carrying a ton of bricks on our back all day long, we are much more willing to take the scary step of removing all that weight. If we are just carrying a small bag, we might not be willing to go through the fear.
True Self
I think it has always felt scary to me because I was afraid to lose myself. I was afraid I would no longer be me. Maybe in a way, I was afraid to be empty, to be undefined. But I didn’t want to be the trauma anymore, so I took the chance to lose myself. And while the emptiness is uncomfortable because it is new, I don’t feel like I am lost. I feel like I am waiting, waiting for what was meant to fill me up in the first place.
And don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a one-time experience. I have felt this before on a smaller scale. And I am sure I will feel it again on a larger scale. That is how recovery works. The spiral of healing goes deeper over time. But this experience has given me hope that I have not felt before. This emptiness seems to hold something far greater than I can understand. It is a place within me that can manifest what I could never create on my own. Although normally, I am terrified of what I do not understand or control, I am not terrified now. I am just empty.
So I will sit with the emptiness. And I look forward to what will come. I look forward to beauty, love, joy, presence and the life I was meant to live. As opposed to losing myself, a concept I have feared so much, I look forward to being me, my true self. I have learned that the true self is not something we have to become. The true self is there under all the trauma and the ego dysfunction that hides the trauma. So I would rather be empty and uncomfortable. I would rather give space to that true self to emerge just a little bit more.
And I welcome her.
I welcome her back from that dark place beneath the trauma.
I welcome her home.
If you are interested in my 5-week guidance sessions, please email me at beatingtrauma@gmail.com
great post, Elisabeth. I totally relate.
Thank you Beth!
A month or so ago, I had a high, believing that I have control over my life. A very new thought. And very persistent. I was so “high” (not drugs) that I was scared. Of falling. Down “lower” the much less powerful fears and anxieties were muffled.
In between was emptiness that I didn’t recognize. And I kept wondering what it was. It felt so good! And scary.
I have been doing this long enough that I know I don’t have to figure it all out at once. And, I anticipated the crash that followed. I felt I had little control I had over it happening, and that was o.k. I do however look forward to better outlooks.
Reading this blog of yours encourages me Elisabeth! Thank you!
I have had similar experiences. They are often followed by crashes because the crashes are the emotions we have to release to feel grounded and empowered on an ongoing basis. You are right. We don’t have to figure it out all at once. It sounds like you are doing some amazing work in your healing.
Thank you!
I enjoyed reading this. Whilst I am determined and committed to working through my trauma, I am often scared of the emptiness I see lying ahead. It is very scary to imagine, with the dysfunctional layers gone, that I will be missing such a big part of me. And when that happens I won’t know who I really am at all.
You cannot help but recognize yourself when it happens. I actually think you become a little more you.
I can relate to this. The fear of the emptiness. It is scary and sometimes I act really strangely at those times. I think I’ve had an addiction to drama. Subconsciously, it’s been there and when there isn’t any I’m like “what do I do now?” Then I seem to go a little crazy in my head for a moment before it settles. But it’s getting easier. Thanks for this article Elizabeth and Olive for your comment.
Thank you Lisa. The drama is a great distraction from our pain, so we have a tendency to fill our lives with it. Your recognition of your pattern with it will help you so much.
Dear Elisabeth, Good to read this post – as always, so well written. Yes, emptiness is an important place to experience. Comes from letting go of attachment to the old identity, and allows space, just space, for the new, the unknown, the vast mystery of our own being. Glad the inner space is opening up for a fresh glimpse into what you are@! Sending love and support to you, a remarkable woman on a remarkable journey. Susan
Thank you so much my friend. It has been quite a journey this summer to get to this place. I think that makes it a bit sweeter. Love and light to you.
Elisabeth, I read all of your posts & just wish I had the time to comment on them as I always want to do. I have a dexterity disability, so it takes me extremely long to type & particularly b/c I have only my phone to use. I can relate so much to your posts. They are
always eloquently written &
often so evocative for me on a very deep level. This post was particularly meaningful to me as I feel like I’m in a very simi
lar place & you put words to what I too have been feeling. You are incredibly gifted at zeroing in on the essence of experiences & putting words to them & this is so helpful to me.
So often I’m not really clear about exactly what’s happen
ing inside me, & then I read a post of yours like this one & I
“get it”. Thank you from the bottom of my heart? for your work. I have also been working very hard to release my child
hood trauma & learn to love myself. It is hard work indeed & people like you help so much
by sharing your own path to
healing. I save all your posts &
will try to get back to some of the ones that particularly struck
home & comment on them as I
wanted to. My goal has always been to do what you’re doing so well now: be of help to those who have been thru
childhood trauma. But I always felt that I had to have “already
healed myself” b/4 I could do
this. What you show so beauti
fully is that not only is this not
necessary, but that sharing your actual journey of growth &
recovery is perhaps the very best way to help others.
Thank you Elizabeth for taking the time to respond to this post. And thank you for sharing your own journey with me. I am so glad I can help you by putting our experiences to words. And you are so right. The sharing of the journey is so important for our recovery.
Thank you to both Elizabeth and Elisabeth for your words!!! I feel the same-especially this week…and you both have put into words that which I hadn’t….many kind thoughts to both of you 🙂
Thank you Charlotte.
Hi Elisabeth,
I love your post! It’s scary yet so fulfilling to allow ourselves to shed our trauma and come home to ourselves. I fill my emptiness with loving light which comforts me until I can allow myself to feel my true self.
It’s wonderful hearing how you are healing and growing. Keep up the great work you are doing and thanks for sharing it with your readers.
Thank you Donna. I am so glad to hear your experiences are similar. Community helps.
hi Elisabeth,
Just wanted to say that I read your article about suicide a few days ago. My husband died many years ago, very suddenly due to an aneurysm in his aorta. A few days before Valentines day so I recognized/ relate much about the month februari. I survived the first months due to much dissociation and it has taken me many years to proces the difficult emotions regarding his death. I’m diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, not a full blown DID but a milder form of that. I can really say that I have worked through the mourning proces regarding his death. But just one “part of me” /a young child keeps a lot of anger/ allmost rage regarding his death.
And that part keeps me from really moving forward/ really letting people in. Having read your story I keep wondering/ thinking; how did you that, assuming you did… I really can’t imagine…
I really really understand if you don’t want to talk/ write about it. Greetings Sarah
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am sure that was extremely traumatic. I am still working on letting others in. It is an ongoing process but trauma recovery takes time. I am wondering if this inner child is also holding on to something from childhood (an abandonment, death or something similar) that makes it impossible for her to let go of your husband’s death. If something happened when she was very young, she may be holding on to some beliefs that are not realistic. For example, she may be blaming herself instead of understanding it is out of her control. That is just my initial thoughts.
Thank you very much for your reply Elisabeth!
Hi Elisabeth,
I woke up in the middle of the night, grapped my phone, read your reply, wanted to reply but got caught in so many thoughts.As an adult I feel blessed with all the years I had with him. I am truly thankfull. In the years before I met him I’ve met lots of nice people, I only could not let them in because I knew that they were just doing their job and I had to move etc.
With him I felt truly loved and save. The child-part in me thought I had “deserved this” after the first 20 “bad” years. (sort of magical thinking) Sometimes I was scared of losing him but I just thought that was just fear due to my past. As an adult, when he suddenly died, I “learned” that “bad” things can happen always to anyone and there is no such thing as “deserving”, it’s just life, good and bad things happen randomly.
I can accept this and truly think that I should be gratefull for so many loving and happy years.
But the child-part in me “keeps screaming” so it seams. it’s like she is stuck, she feels like there is no point in attaching to anyone. Something like that. But I know that I’m truly waisting years by thinking like that. I know I’ve to work through it because I learned that denying that childpart does not help either. I just have to find a way.. Before he died I just kept the painfull years behind/ really did not think about the abuse of my parents and the emotions of that time. Only focused on “here and now”. It was relatively easy to do. Now I feel that I can’t do that anymore due to so much unresolved anger. Something like that. greetings Sarah
I understand. Sometimes it takes a traumatic event to wake up the inner child emotions that need to be felt. I do have a guidance program that works with this process. Email me at beatingtrauma@gmail.com if you would like to explore that.
Hi Elisabeth,
thanks very much for your last post about suicidal ideation! The approaches and the way you describe them, very good and understandable ! thank you ! Greetings Sarah
I am so glad to hear that. Thank you.
This is very timely, Elisabeth. Sometimes I spend too much time trying to analyze that empty feeling, worry it’s familiar step backward coming. So, I’ll try sitting with it, realize there more in there to heal. In time. Thank you <3
Thank you Mandy! I hope it helps.
Thank you Elisabeth! Thank you for shining a light on what I have been going through. Living with that emptiness has been a very tough road.
It is so difficult Stanley. Thank you for your comment.
I so feel this right now after all the grief work recently! There’s not such intense reactions to every little thing….life seems a little flat. But a nice normal. I feel like there’s space now to recover my spirited, (grounded) self!
I love this Hannah!
A beautiful and helpful text 💗