I Am Glad To Have Met You
Over the past 6 years, I have been blessed to meet you and learn from you. While I didn’t know about you for many years, I have learned that you are those parts of me that separated during my traumatic childhood. While you used to sabotage my every move and infiltrate my fleeting peaceful moments, we have a different relationship now, a much healthier relationship.
This healing spiral we have been traveling has brought us through some rough memories and emotions. You have been brave in your willingness to share information, express deep emotional pain, and help me question the world around me. While you have been highly motivated to let go of your pain, you have been less motivated to trust, and that makes sense. But you keep considering the possibilities that I bring to you and for that, I am grateful.
That One Thing
There is one stopping point on this healing spiral that brings the most pain, the most resistance. While letting go of the betrayals by friends, the years of trafficking and the sex abuse has been possible, you still can’t let go of the parents. It isn’t that you can’t let go of those particular parents. You just can’t let go of the idea that you deserve parents, real parents, unconditionally loving parents.
And you are right. You do deserve it. You did deserve it. You deserved parents that didn’t manipulate you, sell you, rape you, and tell you how worthless you were. But you didn’t get that. And you won’t get that in this lifetime. They aren’t changing now. They are too entrenched in their defenses. There will be no apology. There will be no sudden shift in their perspective. You already personally know how long and complicated that journey can be.
And there aren’t replacements for them either, not really. There will be others in your life who will treat you well and try to give you the family you never had. They may invite you to Thanksgiving dinners and beach vacations. They may take the children on outings and bring them thoughtful gifts. And they are wonderful people who bring healing, who allow you to consider trusting others again. But they can’t replace what never happened. They can’t be the family you never had … not exactly.
There Is Always Love
And so we have to find another way. The love you want is available, but not from others. While you may have never been shown love by others in childhood, you know it. You can feel it. You know it because it has always been a part of you, running deep in that place in your heart that didn’t harden from your pain. That place in your heart that is still connected to source, to the current of love that runs within everyone, is the only place you will find it now.
We must let go of the possibility that there will be parents in this lifetime. We must let go of the possibility that there will be unconditional love from the biologically-connected humans that were responsible for the birth of that baby 43 years ago. We must let go of the Hallmark card extended family that the media shoves in our face every year during the holiday season. It is not ours to have.
You didn’t get chosen for that. You were chosen for something different, something braver, something that would transcend the experience of human love. And you were not chosen because you are better. You aren’t. Everyone has their pain to transcend and this is yours.
And so I ask you to let go of the Earthly parents and allow us to move to a deeper level of love, a universal love, and unconditional godly love that cannot be felt by desperately holding on to an image of what might be. I ask you to let go of what you wanted, so that we can live the rest of this life with something far better, far greater. I know you can’t see what that is. Neither can I. But I know it will be wonderful. And it won’t come with the weight of the past, the weight of expectations.
That life is done for us. There is nothing left to wean from it except lessons and insights that help us and others grow. Otherwise, it is time to move on from that place. It is time to start anew. It is time for a new beginning, a life lived the way we had always hoped. It is like being a newborn at 43 years old, but with a ton of life experience and education. How could that possibly be bad?
So let go my dears.
Let go and be free.
Let go and find real love.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.