I Am Glad To Have Met You
Over the past 6 years, I have been blessed to meet you and learn from you. While I didn’t know about you for many years, I have learned that you are those parts of me that separated during my traumatic childhood. While you used to sabotage my every move and infiltrate my fleeting peaceful moments, we have a different relationship now, a much healthier relationship.
This healing spiral we have been traveling has brought us through some rough memories and emotions. You have been brave in your willingness to share information, express deep emotional pain, and help me question the world around me. While you have been highly motivated to let go of your pain, you have been less motivated to trust, and that makes sense. But you keep considering the possibilities that I bring to you and for that, I am grateful.
That One Thing
There is one stopping point on this healing spiral that brings the most pain, the most resistance. While letting go of the betrayals by friends, the years of trafficking and the sex abuse has been possible, you still can’t let go of the parents. It isn’t that you can’t let go of those particular parents. You just can’t let go of the idea that you deserve parents, real parents, unconditionally loving parents.
And you are right. You do deserve it. You did deserve it. You deserved parents that didn’t manipulate you, sell you, rape you, and tell you how worthless you were. But you didn’t get that. And you won’t get that in this lifetime. They aren’t changing now. They are too entrenched in their defenses. There will be no apology. There will be no sudden shift in their perspective. You already personally know how long and complicated that journey can be.
And there aren’t replacements for them either, not really. There will be others in your life who will treat you well and try to give you the family you never had. They may invite you to Thanksgiving dinners and beach vacations. They may take the children on outings and bring them thoughtful gifts. And they are wonderful people who bring healing, who allow you to consider trusting others again. But they can’t replace what never happened. They can’t be the family you never had … not exactly.
There Is Always Love
And so we have to find another way. The love you want is available, but not from others. While you may have never been shown love by others in childhood, you know it. You can feel it. You know it because it has always been a part of you, running deep in that place in your heart that didn’t harden from your pain. That place in your heart that is still connected to source, to the current of love that runs within everyone, is the only place you will find it now.
We must let go of the possibility that there will be parents in this lifetime. We must let go of the possibility that there will be unconditional love from the biologically-connected humans that were responsible for the birth of that baby 43 years ago. We must let go of the Hallmark card extended family that the media shoves in our face every year during the holiday season. It is not ours to have.
You didn’t get chosen for that. You were chosen for something different, something braver, something that would transcend the experience of human love. And you were not chosen because you are better. You aren’t. Everyone has their pain to transcend and this is yours.
And so I ask you to let go of the Earthly parents and allow us to move to a deeper level of love, a universal love, and unconditional godly love that cannot be felt by desperately holding on to an image of what might be. I ask you to let go of what you wanted, so that we can live the rest of this life with something far better, far greater. I know you can’t see what that is. Neither can I. But I know it will be wonderful. And it won’t come with the weight of the past, the weight of expectations.
That life is done for us. There is nothing left to wean from it except lessons and insights that help us and others grow. Otherwise, it is time to move on from that place. It is time to start anew. It is time for a new beginning, a life lived the way we had always hoped. It is like being a newborn at 43 years old, but with a ton of life experience and education. How could that possibly be bad?
So let go my dears.
Let go and be free.
Let go and find real love.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I promise.
I lost my parents at 2 and 3 years old and totally identify with this. Thank you.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. Mine are still alive but it feels like they are not. I am glad I could write this in a way that spoke to you too.
Thank you again Elisabeth! Would you believe that just this morning I was writing in my journal (before I got your essay in my inbox). I wrote this: “My heart is wounded, weakened, scared and bleeding. But my heart KNOWS love. Through Source. I must have once been loved, because I KNOW love. I don’t trust love. I am afraid to trust love, but I have known it. I know it exists.”
As I was reading your essay, I could hardly believe that you happened to touch upon this exact topic this very day!
I really love what you write about letting go of our earthly parents and for choosing to believe in something greater. It totally resonates with me. I am starting to believe in the idea of a source, even though of course there’s a part in me that is skeptical and thinks I’m starting to veer into the land of “woo woo”.
When we are ready for a certain message, that message tends to come through in every way possible. I have found myself being inundated with certain messages at certain times. And sometimes messages are coming at a global level too. Oh, and I feel like I permanently live in the land of “woo woo”. 🙂
Elisabeth – That’s so great that you feel whole-heartedly at ease with the spiritual side of things. Was it always like this for you – that you always felt a connection to Source? Or did it develop gradually over the years as you stayed on the path of healing?
I am definitely not at ease with it. Sometimes, I embrace it. Sometimes, I think I am crazy. It depends on the day. 🙂 But I do think I have become more comfortable with it as my faith has improved gradually over time.
I see. That makes perfect sense! I guess it is normal for us to have these conflicting feelings about such a controversial subject. I always feel like I have to be firmly on one side of every debate.
I think trauma can make it difficult for us to be firmly on one side of any debate (even within ourselves). I find that trauma causes swings, both cognitive and emotional. It is normal to do that.
Today is exactly that moment for me! I have read this aloud to myself several times just now. The only difference is I am 57. Once I stopped crying, because this is so pure and raw, the beginnings of a calm have begun to enfold me-unlike anything I’ve felt in a long, long time. There will be many more moments like this until the words make a permanent impression on my heart. Thank you for sharing your gifts!
Wow Jana! I am so glad to hear this is speaking so deeply to you. I am grateful that you are open to it in this way. Sending you love and light.
I’m crying tears of deeply relating to what you wrote about. My Little Donna self kept waiting & waiting for mommy to mother her the way she needed to be loved. Thank God, I discovered inner child work and became my child self’s mother. No, it’s not the same as if it were my biological mother. You are so right about that, but thank goodness for work arounds like loving & protecting ourselves in the way our child self needs to be loved. Yes, I agree with you, we all have our true self, our spiritual self which is the pure loving light of God. When we can open our heart to that presence within us, we can heal deeply. Thank you for the reminder Elisabeth.
Thank you Donna! I am so glad you found inner child work and that this piece spoke to you. It is amazing the healing that happens when we access our true self. It is life changing work.
Wow…so needed to read this today. As I have been battling the internal torment of “needing a mom” I have also been working hard at coming to a place of peace about it and acceptance. Knowing that I’m not “less than” because I don’t have a mom who loves me.
It’s a tough reality but I realize that the truth is exactly what will set us free and although it hurts like hell, I’m thankful for the possibility of freedom.
Hi Janet, Thank you for your comment. I am so glad to hear this helped. And it sounds like you are doing so well in your own journey.
I think now that “letting go” is a nicer way of “stop having inconvenient emotions.” When the sadness of the betrayal is felt as deeply as it needs to be felt, and one can look at idealized, Hallmark families and feel that familiar twinge of what might have been and can allow that sadness to be there rather than trying to wish it away, then I think life starts to become richer. Trauma isn’t a wound that will heal or a prison to be liberated from. It is a difficult stallion you learn to ride gracefully.
My thoughts, anyway.
I have to emphatically disagree. The art of letting go is not a silencing of the trauma, but a processing of the trauma. It is inevitably tied to the deep expression of repressed emotions, memories and beliefs. Letting go cannot and will not happen while emotions are unexpressed. While I am not suggesting that trauma can be completely healed, it is not something to be lived with or worked around. While I am not suggesting the feelings of sadness would ever go away, they can be expressed with hope of a future that cannot be imagined through the trauma lens.
Wow! This is so moving and impactful. I will be a newborn at 60. Still better now than never.
You are doing a great service through your work.
Absolutely! Better now than never. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Elisabeth,I totally love your work.I feel so helped after finding you.Everything you share makes a difference for me.Your way of expressing yourself feels soulful,accurate, authentic,grounded,careful.. (Sorry,I wanted so much to say these things!)
What if someone has all the symptoms and feelings of trauma,but cannot understand the ‘source’ of it?
(Someone told me that I may even have been abused in my childhood and I can’t remember..).Could a distanced,not so tender and kind,father cause trauma to his daughter? Can the source of trauma be found in more recent experiences,or does it have more connection with parental dysfunctions?
I feel concerned about this sadness that doesn’t go away..after so much work with myself! Happy moments feel so superficial,’not me’,’fake’ to me!
(I will look forward for your answer!)
Hi Joy, Thank you so much. There could be two things causing your feelings. First, I like to say that trauma doesn’t mean drama. In other words, trauma doesn’t always have to be something we would think of as horrific. It could be a lack of love or a lack of a voice. This is also traumatic. That said, it is also important to consider the second scenario, which was the case with me. I did not remember my childhood – only a few fleeting memories. I once told my Dad that I could not remember ever living in the same house with him and he acted as if he had no idea why. Of course, he knew why. I always sensed that something was wrong. I was never really happy and always anxious, but didn’t understand the source either. I ended up in a support group of people with childhood trauma and didn’t know why I was there, but their approaches to life made so much sense to me. When my memories started to come back at the age of 38, it was finally clear. So consider these two possibilities. And I can offer you a free consultation if you would like to discuss it with me by phone. Just let me know.
I am not sure I understand what ‘lack of voice’ is referring to. If it refers to absence,he rarely was at home during my childhood(because of his job),and I can remember only a few things from then.
Sorry for not answering sooner,but I didn’t know what to tell about the session via the phone.Of course I am interested in talking with you,but I live in a different country,and I don’t know how it works in this case..I am a little bit conscious about my English,too,as I write in English very often,but I haven’t spoken in English for years! 🙂
Hi Joy, Thank you for responding. I appreciate it. When I say “lack of voice”, I am referring to children feeling unable to express themselves. In the U.S., there is a popular phrase (which is dying away thank goodness). “Children should be seen and not heard.” That phrase is traumatic because it shuts the child down. In regards to the consultation, I work with clients in other countries all the time. And we can work around the language. I actually encourage my clients to write in their native language and then translate it for me. We can access our inner parts better in our first language. Email me any time.
I can really relate to this post. Thank you.
Thank you!
“It is like being a newborn at 43* years old, but with a ton of life experience and education” is going to be an all time forever favorite idea for me (*although I turn 60 this year;-) This so perfectly describes what I am/have been experiencing. It is so hopeful and positive, and every single part of me embraces it. It gives confidence and optimism to little ones inside, and it gives protectors a loving and constructive way to be helpful. As always, you are a perfect messenger for things I need to hear. Thanks again, Elizabeth.
Thank you Diana. I am so happy to hear it spoke to your little ones.
It’s like being newborn at 53 for me. This speaks volume to me Elizabeth. Thank you for confirming what it is I am truly experiencing with my recent argument with mom today, tonight, at midnight. Awakened once again by my emotions in remembering the argument, It was a horrible experience, this recent argument with mom. It brought back so many ugly memories of my childhood experiences living in a dysfunctional family setting with her being our tribal narcissistic leader. She entrenched her unhealthy footprint in all of us. We learned the best from her. My father was physically abusive to my older siblings and verbally and emotionally abusive toward all of us including mom. He was a raging alcoholic. But I would’ve taken his abuse any day over what my mom would bring to the table as far as emotional abuse is concerned. Mom was the best. The best at teaching us how to lie, how to manipulate, how to guilt people, how to guilt each other. How to be loyal to the dysfunction. How to gaslight. She was good at showing us how to play victim and how not to accept responsibility for our own actions. She was good at showing us how to compromise our integrity. I say us and ours because even though I may not have the right to say how my siblings feel, I did witness them destroy their own lives, some to the point of death because of the demands she brought to our dysfunctional table setting of a family. She choked us all with her demands. Her manipulative ways. It was always about her and her needs.
You’re words here Elizabeth is exactly what I needed to hear. This is confirmation and validating of what I’m feeling after the recent argument with mom.
This argument we had has somehow allowed me to release her of the expectations of the ideal mother I will never have and I guess for her the ideal daughter she will never have, sadly. I always wanted to believe that I was born into an unconditional love environment. This was not the case. She admitingly so, has shared how she tried to get rid of me by drinking herbal teas while I lay resting in her womb. And how my birth was an inconvenience. She also shared how she thought and came close to killing all of us kids by blowing all of us up with a gas stove when we were kids. This is an event she shared when I was actually finally starting to stand up for myself and confront her manipulative, narcissistic ways in my life. And that was her comeback. How’s that for motherhood at its finest. Imagine, I’m at the peak of a breakdown and she comes at me with that news. How hurtful and angry that makes me now as o write this.
Thurs recent argument. I’m glad I had it. It’s given me a sense of solemn peace that allows me to release the constant unrealistic expectations of what I expected from my earthly mother. I am discovering that she is only human. She has her own horror story of a childhood that she lived and in the process, we, her children, got caught in her survival web of manipulation and emotional abuse. A survival technique that she embraced in order to keep her own head above water. But guess what, I’m no longer responsible for her sadness, for her life or what she lacks. I know longer have to be that clown doing flips for her. I get to set my boundaries. She doesn’t get to drain every ounce of my being anymore with her unrealistic selfish demands. I am worthy. Maybe not to her because she’s incapable of acknowledging even her own worth much less her children’s. Snd the hurt of knowing this is definitely there.
I’m glad I had that argument. I’m glad I had the opportunity to confront mother at the age of 53. It may have gone to a deaf ear but I’ll take what I can get to get off my chest what I’ve bottled up inside for 53 years. You can no longer bully me mother. You have no authority over me anymore. That argument, that confrontation, set me free in a sense. It made me realize and see who you truly are in my adulthood. This argument has allowed me to see now what I couldn’t see in my childhood because I was too busy trying to survive your dysfunction. I was trying to keep my own head above water in my childhood. And I still am at times with you still living with me unfortunately. This argument brought up the mother I saw in my childhood, your true manipulative ways in action, the “denying for your own actions” and “not taking any responsibility for your own actions,” mother I saw growing up. And you couldn’t hide mom. You knew I could see right through you and you squirmed when I called you out almost in disbelief you glared at me, desperately trying to hold onto any piece of manipulation and guilt tactic that you possibly could. But I didn’t let you. I called you out and you couldn’t run for cover in your lies because I know you. I’ve lived it. All of this, in this argument, has released me from what I expected from you as a parent. You delivered pain of rejection. You delivered guilt and harsh judgment. You delivered hate. You delivered ridiculousness. You delivered hurt and shame and blame. And I’ve accepted my pain in your life. But now, you no longer reside in my life. The pain may be there but it will no longer define who I am. Seeing your true colors again, at 53, is exactly what I needed so i could let go of that expectation i had in you as a mother. A true and painful blessing in disguise. Sad but freeing truth. God sees me. He knows what I need better than I know myself. I trust that. And I choose to trust Him and build relationship with Him because He’s the only true unconditional love and loving parent I’ve ever known and that’s great enough for me. Thank You Jesus. He loves me and all my flaws. He loves mom too and all of her flaws and I’m good with that too. He doesn’t reject me or count me unworthy. You’re a human form of a parent mom. But He is my God almighty, greater than what any biological parent can bring to the table of my life. He knows what I need and I trust His plan as painful as that may seem at times, I still choose to trust Him. He knows you mom and what hell I’ve been through growing and living with you as my mother and He knows what hell you’ve been through as well growing up half orphaned with a father who didn’t care because of his own incapabilities of love in not dealing with his own rejectful pain in life. Generational curses. That’s what it comes down to, generational curses. Thank for this graceful vine of healing these generational curses Lord through Elizabeth Corey’s program. As ugly as this healing process is, the argument this time, it is a true example of tee ugly that needs to be faced and that needs to happen in order to be released from the expectations that I carry around in my heart of what I never had. A healing process and all its challenges that come along with it. A conditional love from a biological mother incapable of loving herself to the point that she chooses to remain in her same broken space because it’s familiar and unhealthily comfortable, comfortable with the pain. Thank you Elizabeth. This opens a huge door for me in healing here. Releasing the expectation of what I never will had growing up. And in realizing this, I can let go and slowly begin to open my heart to new beginnings of a new love. A love that comes from and for within. That’s where it starts. God, thank you for opening this painful door for me because in doing so, the door to forgiveness and the release of bitterness I can begin to slowly begin to open those doors as well and begin to embrace them as well with all of my heart, truly and slowly. Not only forgiveness toward mom even though her footprint of emotional abuse will continue and the scar in my heart will always be there, I know I can release that pain to you and in doing so, in truly trusting You my Lord, You show me how to love and forgive myself.