I have moved past the point in my life where I describe myself by what I do for a living, but if I had to, I would say I’m a program manager. By nature, program managers are highly organized (if they are any good). I am also finishing three years of school with a master’s degree. And I am a single mother. I manage to balance my multi-faceted life with my recovery process. Generally, this happens without the world caving in around me. I can manage a very busy life. As a matter of a fact, that is my favorite defense mechanism. If I am busy, I don’t have to stop and look at all the stuff from my past. This defense mechanism was particularly helpful when I was still repressing the entirety of my childhood experiences.
What I am trying to say is that I am not easily overwhelmed. I am not usually frazzled by a busy life. And yet today, I am. It isn’t that I have more tasks than usual. I don’t. It is just that the tasks are huge. Each task is so impactful that it feels overwhelming to tackle any one of them. Here is my list:
1) Finish my internship and complete my master’s degree.
2) Finish my final class and complete my master’s certificate (because one degree is not enough).
3) Complete my resume (which has to explain my background in finance, information technology and social work as well as my passion for trauma work in less than two pages).
4) Find a job that combines all those elements before the money runs out.
5) Continue my blog so that I can continue healing and making a difference for others.
6) Oh, and raise my kids.
It’s not a long list really. And I am not complaining. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I chose to be right here, right now. That’s a beautiful thing.
The struggle is that feeling overwhelmed with a past full of trauma can create something I hate more than anything: paralysis. Paralysis is my worst enemy. For me, there is nothing worse than not functioning. I have high standards. I need to make things happen in my normal willful way. I must be progressing at all times. I feel that slowing down means that I am losing the fight against those that tried to oppress me. Hence the challenge. I find myself in conflict between my “busy-holic” self and my paralyzed self.
So, once again, I am faced with finding balance between my two defense mechanisms: stuck and 300 miles per hour. So how do I find the place in the middle where the flow happens? You know that place where the willfulness and the magic of the universe can come together in perfect harmony. This is the time in my life for that. The big stuff won’t happen any other way.