I thought about writing Jim instead. That is your name. It has been a while since I have thought of you as more than the person who spread his seed. That certainly doesn’t make you a father. You were never a father. Sure. You spent some of your precious money on me. You used my successes to brag. You were even a little proud when I blew up at your parents. But you were never a father. I know that now and I have stopped expecting to have a father in this lifetime. This may sadden you to know (or maybe not) that I rarely ever think about it anymore. It feels like many lifetimes ago when we shared the same space. I don’t really feel like anything is missing at this point. But that’s not true.
Something is missing. I am not concerned about the lack of positive memories as a father and daughter. I don’t really need those now. I am not concerned with the loss of your entire extended family who rejected me the minute I confronted you. I don’t miss those incredibly awkward family gatherings with a bunch of pedophiles and their victims. I am not concerned with the heritage or the name sake or other crap that society tells me I should care about. I can be Irish without your help. And I long since parted with your last name and have not considered it a loss.
But something is missing. Something is missing from my current life and it is mostly because of you. It is not that I don’t take responsibility for my healing, but you are the reason I have to heal. And on the really bad days, I hate you for it. I hate that I can’t have the life I want after living in hell with you for all those years. And while I don’t miss you one iota, I do miss what is missing. You took it from me. And while I work hard every single day to get it back, it is a slow process for which I don’t always have the patience. I want a new life and I want it now.
Don’t get me wrong, I know you weren’t trying to take them from me. You were trying to find a release for your pain at my expense. You were trying to feel okay by having power over me for a few minutes. And I understand where it came from. Your mother sexually abused you horribly. Your father disappeared. I know he was still at home, but he was gone emotionally and he was working all the time. You went through hell at the hands of that horrific woman while your father looked the other way. I get it. But you never made an effort to stop that cycle with you. You rained your pain down upon everyone else. You unleashed your hatred of your mother on to all the women in your life. And I was at the forefront.
What did you take from me?
You took love from me. I don’t mean that I loved you. I actually never really felt that for you. I know. I know. I was your daughter. I must have felt it. But you were so incredibly nasty that even my most loving inner child likened you to a dragon in my unconscious … and not the friendly kind. You were the devil to even my youngest inner parts. There was no love there. There was only fear. There was terror. But there was no love. Maybe that is why I never grieved your loss. I grieved mother (and she was no saint). I grieved others who I had to leave behind. But it has never been there for you. I mean something different when I say you took love from me. I mean you took away my ability to access my own love. I had to shut it all down. Love was too dangerous. Love wasn’t vigilant enough. Love was rest. And I could not risk that.
You took connection from me. My isolator exists because you are a human being who walks this earth (unfortunately still). I struggle to allow anyone close. I connect on some level and then my isolator starts to scream. Don’t get me wrong, this is getting better all the time. But the resistance to connecting with others is incredibly strong. And this is 100 times worse when that other is a potential intimate partner. How can I trust another man in that way? How can I see other men as reasonable after all the betrayal, the pain, the violence, the rape, the trafficking, the suffocation, the head injuries, the lies, the intimidation from the man who biologically created me? I’ll tell you what. It’s really freaking hard. I work at it. But you have made it hard.
You took away my peace. I remember that day you sat down at the restaurant table, looked me straight in the eye without one ounce of shame, and had the nerve to tell me I was too anxious. You actually told me I needed to calm down. I may have repressed all memory of our time together, but I still knew that was the most hypocritical thing you could say. I needed to calm down after years of questioning if I would survive the night. Seriously? Even now, I am not sure if you will hire someone to intimidate me like you did when I was a child … twice. Worse, I do not know if you will hire someone to kill me. Even worse, I am not sure you will stay away from my kids. But so far, you have. You have disappeared off the face of the earth because you know I speak the truth. But can I ever really know you will stay gone? No. I can’t know that. But I do check the obits every few months.
So as Father’s Day approaches, I have nothing to give you. I have no gifts, no love, no grief, no apologies, no nothing. You proved there are monsters in the world. You showed me this world was not safe. You taught me not to trust. You taught me I wasn’t worth anything to the person who was supposed to be the most important man in my childhood. And now I work hard to put those missing pieces back into my heart so I can live a real life without you. I will have the things you took. I am determined. But in the end, it will be no thanks to you.
Elisabeth
I hate Father’s Day. My father was always angry and abusive. I lived in fear of him. I can so relate to a lot of your letter Elisabeth! The trauma I endured from this man still affects my life today. I was teased unmercifully by my siblings and the day my Father joined in with them against me was such a betrayal! Thank you for writing this letter though. It helps to know that I’m not alone with this pain.
I am so sorry you relate Bonnie! It is truly horrible that we were not able to rely on our fathers for the love we deserved.
Hello Elisabeth,
I’m so sorry for your pain and your losses. Much of your pain resonates. I can empathise with your pain, your sense of betrayal, with never feeling safe, with not even wanting a father anymore because the trust was violated at such a basic level that all feelings were shut down. I hated my father with such ferocity, it left an indelible trace.
I applaud you for your courage, for speaking out, for keeping up the struggle, every single day of your life.
I have the greatest respect for you.
With love,
Christine
Thank you Christine. I appreciate your words of encouragement so much. I wish you the kind of healing that brings you emotional distance from your father and the love you have always deserved from others.
Christine and those who feel paralyzed by the fear:
I am currently exposing my serial child rapist (old crime, svu case, sadistic oral rape pattern w/facial abuse). I’m a psychologist, a mom, a teacher, a wife…..but my current job is to stop a child rapist from harming other girls. The expert believe I am his first victim and he could have 300+ victims (it’s the MO) and he’s had 30 years to rape. I know where he lives and what he is (a sadistic serial child-rapist), my mother abondened me as did all ‘family’ except the one a created (and has been impacted terribly (but not unmendably) from my child rapist’s acts. However, Im the person who told the truth and started unraveling patriarchy (starting with the complicit). I know and I believe Elisabeth is alignment with this: CPTSD (if we are in this group, we know who we are) is a non-linear healing process. It’s okay to feel anything that your body and brain can handle…this is almost impossible to do all alone. We need tools|humans to keep ourselves alive and always moving (babystepping daily, toward well-being and that means, not feeling or perceiving FEAR).
We got to tell people and scream it to people “WE are of equal value to YOU”.
Crimes against children are always crimes.
The child is always innocent. These horrible feelings are justified because we survived horrors. Anne Lamott says’perhaps you should have treated me better when you had the chance”. Let us talk and witness…..so that we can help the collective we as women ~ heal.
Know, Your body and your brain are in pain for reason. Our Fear response kept us alive. For most of us fear doesn’t help us live more authentically in this world make us better drivers (which is a real world fear). We are brave, we have survived the worst things in the world, as children. Move yourself gently through this healing process, get help that loves you (or a therapist….I love everyone~sans people who hurt children). I don’t want to be afraid when I know what the crime is and who the criminal is. I want to work from a place of love, knowing that what motivates me is not baggage wrapped in fear, but fuel, that I simply burn to work in alignment with the greater good. Prayers of healing light and brave courage✌🏽💜💫
I love you. Please keep talking.
~
Another Elizabeth
Thank you for these powerful words Elizabeth! I can feel your strength in them. That Anne Lamott quote is one of my favorites.
I too can relate. We all lived in fear of my Dad. He’s been dead 15 years now but I’m still affected and it affects the way I parent my boys. I’m getting there though. Thankyou for all you do.
I am sorry you can relate. I am sending you love and light as you heal.
oh my god Elisabeth….I cried reading this. Especially “You took love from me.” That paragraph had me pause. Your parts see him as a monster…made me think of the dream of the figure chasing me and my sister. I just can’t…I’m speechless at how evil they were
Thank you for sharing with us again it means so much. <3
Thank you Zeinab! Love to you as you deal with your own monster.
Many, many tears of recognition 🙁
In my last conversation with my father (we are estranged) when I finally had the courage to let him know I remembered the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, he had the nerve to say…”don’t make me take this to my grave.” F*$! YOU!!!! I don’t take responsibility for that – that is yours to OWN and yours ONLY. I have already accounted for my responsibility in it and still work on that daily – AS A CONSTANT REMINDER I MIGHT ADD!
Awwwww! Poor Man! Can’t even take responsibility for his own feelings – enough so that he needs a child to do it for you. I give that back to you!
Oh boy! There’s the anger! I haven’t actually explored this too much.
It has been two years and he has not taken any accountability (nor do I expect him to). I was ‘extra’ sensitive to the fact (even before becoming aware of my repressed memories) that my father would always send me the sappiest cards for Christmas, or other holidays but the underlying FEELING, the underlying message was always….send the sentiment back to me so that I can feel better about myself. I felt that soooo strongly. I also knew because when I sent my typical – Merry Christmas, blow it out your ear kind of card – he would express his disappointment because I did not make him feel better about himself and his atrocities. (A part of me would not allow me to send cards that expressed sentiment I never felt –thank you.)
When you have repressed memory, yet there is something inside you that makes the ‘I love yous’ and the expression of sentiment feel hollow – there is a reason for it.
That is my truth and I have to live with it every day. There will be no celebration in my home.
I really get this anger Wendy. My father’s response to my confrontation was that I was inconveniencing him on that particular day. He was indicating that if I had confronted him on another day, it would have worked better for him. Ugh! Furious!
Thank you Elizabeth for being a voice for all of us who have survived abuse from our Father’s and or Mother’s. Your courage is both inspiring and motivating. The suffering you describe is unbearable and so many of us who read this post I believe can relate strongly and personally. May your healing and restoration and that of your readers move forward with each passing day. Warm Regards to all.
Thank you so much Torah! I hate that there are so many others who can relate. But I am glad that we can all feel a little less alone now. It is where the healing is.
I’m sitting here in floods of tears. I could have written that letter almost word for word. I’m broken and I’m having to face the trauma and abuse head on but I’m tired and don’t want to keep fighting. But thank you so much for the courage to write things that none of my friends or people in my life can ever understand. And almost resolutely refuse to understand. Until recently I was a high functioning person forcing the pain down inside me but now I can’t do it anymore and I have had to stop and look the ugliness of what my father has done to me and confront it and strike back. I don’t know where to get the strength from. But thank you again and again for showing me I’m not alone and I’m not weak for failing to just get over it like most people in my circle seem to think. Thank you. I wish everyone who experience this emotional torture the strength and resilience to rebuild and go on to soar and live life free from this anguish.
The strength can be so hard to see when we are inundated with so many traumatic emotions, but I promise, it is there within you. It might be a small flicker right now, but you can work to access it and build it up. Love and light to you.
Oh, Elisabeth! I just want to hug you. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself all of the time. Not being able to trust the adults in our life was so unfair to us…and so hard now to be “normal” after that… and not trust people…and assume everyone thinks I’m not good enough unless it benefits them to make me think they do. Thanks for always helping me to feel less alone. Sending you love ❤
Thank you Victoria! Trust is so so difficult after all that betrayal. Sending you love on your healing journey too.
Okay, I guess Mean Kid is on a rant! My father also expressed that I should have GRATITUDE for the major hip surgery that I had to have because of him because if I didn’t have the surgery I would not be able to snowboard and walk or play the sports I love. He never owned that if he hadn’t done what he did I would not have needed the hip surgery.
No wonder I had trouble with Gratitude for so long – well I still struggle sometimes.
That just shows how warped he is. Please let your mean kid go on a rant. Give them as much space to express as you can.
Wow! (first I will apologize ahead for monopolizing this blog topic).
I felt I had to come back to share that after going away and writing on this subject I found what the biggest underlying rage was about. It was screaming at me from the page and I felt I had to share as it will probably resonate with many.
‘My parents in their maladjustment, ignorance, pain-ridden, self-centeredness and immaturity…had unprotected sex and CREATED A LIFE THAT THEY HAD NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER OF BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR.’
There is the anger!!!! the hurt!!!! the pain.
I thank them for my life…the rest I leave with them.
There is a foundational truth that is so infuriating!
Bowing to you Elisabeth a heroine in this world and lifetime
That is so kind Kate! Love to you!
Thank you so much for writing this. It resonates on so many levels and helps me to connect to the reality of the pain inside which I have spent years denying and hiding away.
Thank you too to the brave people who also share their stories here. It helps to know that I am not alone, that my inner children are not alone, that there is hope for the future and life can and will be very different step by step, day by day.
Thank you so much Andi!! I am glad you are using your courage to connect in with your pain. It is so difficult to do.
Dearest Elisabeth
My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry for all you have been true.
My story is very diffently but I can som much relate to the things we lost with our traumas….our peace, love to ourselfs, trust to the world.
No question what your life purpose is, and I am so thankful that I crossed your path/beating trauma in Facebook ❤
Thank you so much for your kind words Tina!
I am so sorry for what you went through at the hands of your own father! I didn’t meet my dad until I was 17 years old and because we lived across the entire country from each other, he in Oregon and me in SC, I only saw him a few times in my life, and thus could never relate to him as my father. However, I am thankful that I did not know him when I was growing up, because I know that his other 2 daughters, my half-sisters wouldn’t have anything to do with him for the last 15 years of his life and it has been indicated to me that there was some level of fondling sexual abuse. But, that wasn’t the only problem with him, unfortunately, the man was just not mentally well.
I never had a father, but I did have a series of stepfathers who abused me sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and any other way that a child/person can be abused, though not so horrifically and constantly as you were. However, I know the loss that you feel.
It is my understanding that it is up to the parents to instill self-worth and self-love into the child. In the absence of that imperative need, the child is left empty and abandoned. I believe this to be true. I believe that there is an emptiness, a void, that I wasn’t aware of for most of my life, that I now seek to fill. But, I am not sure how to do it. It is like a puzzle that is missing it’s central piece that makes the picture make sense and makes the picture complete.
I feel stupid, retarded, disabled, confused, fragmented, dissociated… I am not even sure of what the word is that describes the empty pain filled central core of my being is. It is like a ‘black hole’ that sucks everything in, but has no molecular fabric. It doesn’t catch hold of anything, it remains empty.
I continually work to access whatever fragments, pieces, particles… that come within my grasp. It is my hope that some day I will fill this void and be whole. It is my hope that all of us who are so fragmented will lay hold of these missing pieces or be able to build them from some mysterious elements that are missing from our consciousness.
I am so glad that I found you. It was really kind of an accident that I did find you. But, it happened and I am so grateful. Because, in finding you, I have found sanity! It has been so hard to go through these last 61 years without finding 1 person who could really relate. Yes, I have found people who were abused and damaged, but so many of them are into filling their voids with sex and drugs, and are not on the journey to healing; that is the difference.
I believe that we will make it to healing some day, and that will be a very good day!
Love to you,
B
Thank you Beth for sharing your story and for your very kind words about finding me. Unfortunately there are so many of us out there, but not enough are working to heal our pain. The more we speak about this, the more we can change that. I am glad you are on this journey too.
Elisabeth,
Thank you for your timely Fathers Day comments.
I appreciate your candor.
I’m replying because your comment regarding extended family rejection upon confronting your father happened to me as well.
It came across to me like shoot the messenger or defend the abuser.
Kind of like insult added to injury.
Ironically, taking back our power and choosing a saner more serene way of life come with a cost I dis not anticipate. I’m not sure if your father played himself up to extended family as a victim but mine did. It looks much like a self pity / victim act. It is astonishing how family can see only one side???
Someone once said to me that I had a choice to be right or to be happy.
This is one of my triggers regarding my truth not being heard and validated by my family members.
Frankly, when my father began to repeat his abusive pattern with my now 16 year old son, that was the end for me. I have zero desire to have any relationship with my father while he is still living.
About 2 weeks ago this resulted in about 70 texts from my sister defending him and asking me questions like why I hurt my parents.
Her texts began at 4:45 am and ended 2 1/2 hours later after I finally had enough of her rant. Much of the texts related to her questioning me about incidents where she was nor present.
My son was abused. The dog we got them was abused. My father showed up at a court hearing and had to be restrained by 3 county sheriff’s inside the courtroom after making a scene and disturbing court proceedings.
In the past I enabled their abusive behavior and was told that I could not feel the way that I did.
It used to get me to a point of doubting my own sanity and what had actually happened.
I no longer feel that I have anything to prove nor do I need written or recorded proof regarding actual events.
For me today it is about walking down another street choosing peace of mind and happiness instead of drama and accusations…
Much of what you said reminds me of how much there has been to grieve and losses to move forward from.
It helps me feel normal to hear of your and others experiences in dealing with abusive and rejecting family members…
Sincerely,
Paul
Thank you Paul. I am both sorry you experienced this and glad my words helped you feel less alone. I believe my family may have seen him as a victim in some respects. I also think they were unconsciously terrified of him. He had taken out his rage on everyone at one point or another. I think they supported him because it felt safer than standing with me. They didn’t want his wrath to rain down upon them. They chose the easy way out. And that’s what abusers hope will happen.
I found my power when I was 15. I told my father I hated him and he said I know you do. I told told him I was going to tell on him and I saw the fear in his eyes. He always used my Mother to keep me in check. Mother would say Please Louise just get along so the rest of us can live. She didn’t realize what she was asking. I left home at 16. My family dissolved when I was 20. By then I was married and had two kids. My Mother ran off with my father’s first cousin. My two younger brothers came to live with me and then later one of my younger sisters. I thought I escaped the nightmare. My husband rescued me. Later that same husband raped both our daughters. He was sexually molested when he was a child too. I never understood how he could damage our children that way. He died young of a heart attack, I said the guilt killed him. He confessed to the police what he did, said it was under the influence of alcohol and got a lousy 6 months that he could do on weekends. My girls were never the same. My one daughter tries to take it out on me, she can be very hurtful. There are days I wish I never had children. I don’t want to be responsible for any child’s hurt. I did 7 yrs of family therapy and a couple of years of personal therapy but there are still days that I could just sit and cry.
I am so sorry you had to go through hell twice. I truly hope you and your daughters are able to find the healing you need after so much abuse.
Elisabeth & all survivors:
I applaud your bravery and hopefulness. All of us are heroes.
We are heroes!
I can relate to the majority of your letter, my dad was my hero at first, then he became my nightmare. He took my love for him and turned it against me, used me, verbally, sexually abused me. My siblings also
He has been gone almost 20 yrs and I still am haunted by him. Much love and prayers for all of us dealing with this.
I am so sorry you went through all of that too.
I have the same also
verbal and physical abuse fir the feedbacks he heard from other persons that I am a bad girl and a ****
I never did any but always had all the abuse for what the others told him
he never doubted their saying, but doubting me swearing to God Thousand times
I feel that I am not allowed to love a man properly or get love back, like it’s forbidden by him not by God
I always have the distancing from every man I get attached to him, as I see it as a threat, that he will suspect that I slept with him even when I don’t have any intention of any physical interaction
I am cold and have lot of blockage
I just need any man to propose to get married, independently of who he is, how bad ot toxic he is, but also in the end I ran away every time and block everything
I am going crazy for these, I am 31 and can not establish or build any healthy relationship
I think of suicides many times, but I didn’t have the courage to do it yet
It’s the relief from him, but I didn’t have the chance to live my LIFE, I am living just as a slave with his master
I feel I am always traced, on my phone, on the street, everywhere
I am truly sorry your father did this to you. Your inner parts have become so protective of your system to keep you safe. That is a natural response to so much abuse. Let them express in writing about how they feel. That will help so much.
if it wasnt for fathers abuse by his mother it could be my story not only did mine turn it on me and in doing so made me a liar to my family but made most of my brothers like him my niece was horribly abused by her father my brother and at least 2 more became like him my niece and i speak because i know her reality and she knows mine but the rest of the brothers and sister and their families dont have anything to do with us im not saying they werent abused but its easier to believe we are wrong than to admit it screwed us all up my mother knew about it to but chose to believe the abuser i stopped any comunication after my mother died to him and sister and brothers didnt like it and pushed me to keep in touch with him nope he died alone a few years ago i can honestly say it took a weight off my shoulders and i miss neither of them
You taught me I wasn’t anything to the person who was supposed to be the most important man in my life . What a powerful mouthful of a sentence. 💔
I am so sorry for all you have endured at the man who was supposed to protect yo from all the bad in the world.
I hope you find the healing you need to move on, and realise you are worthy of being loved unconditionally.
I am so sorry this happened to you but I can completely relate to this and I understand your frustrations around father’s day. I have only just been able to bring myself to read through this as it was the first fathers day and first anniversary of my dad’s death this year. It has been so hard because I can’t get answers and will never be able to confront him about what he did to me and I have now got to heal from all of the trauma alone.
I’m sorry you are going through this too. We almost never get closure from our childhood abusers. There is nothing fair about this. It is definitely not fair to travel our healing journey alone, but it is possible to heal on our own. There is empowerment in knowing we are not reliant on anyone else to heal.
i stopped contact with my father in all ways after he tried to get me to leave my husband course my mother had died and he wanted someone to take care of him . he made me not wanting to be touched by anyone i dont trust and i didnt have much of a reltionship with my mother she would always go along with him . i understand it was easier for her but idont understand how she could do it for him he was abusive mentally, verbally,phyically and sexually.my siblings all blamed me for leaving the home at 19 i abandoned them to his abuse. really i guess i was supposed to take it all for the team ,yeah no im sorry that you went through it too takes away alot from us thank god my mothers parents were good people or id have been screwed up worse