Mother’s Day is here again. This will be my 7th Mother’s Day without a mother. That isn’t true, is it? It has been 7 years since I cut you off. But I never really had a mother. This year, I want to do something for you. I’m not giving you a gift. I haven’t done that in ages. And I am sure you will use this Mother’s Day to play the victim to the world, telling everyone how your mean daughter cut you off from your grandchildren. Maybe this opportunity is a gift from me. You get another reason to play the victim. Lucky you!
This year, I want to give you something practical. I want to help you with your unconscious narrative. I know it has been so hard to keep that story going when you have a daughter who blasts your behavior all over the internet. I know that must be so hard for you. But I am sure you are managing. Honestly, I know you don’t read this stuff. Your defenses would never be able to withstand it. But you have an extra hard job covering up your abuses. And your story must be feeling a bit like Swiss cheese these days. So here goes:
I know it’s hard to justify the times you traded me to those babysitters and swim coaches. But you can let people know that you were just trying to give me the life you never had. It wasn’t the same as when my dad trafficked me. He made real money. You can tell folks that it was much more important that I get the opportunity to swim than to feel safe in my own body. You can let them know that swimming mattered so much to me and you couldn’t find the money to pay for it. There were just too many of your own shopping trips adding up on the credit cards. So you let me have my dream. Isn’t that a great thing?
It must be so difficult to explain how you held me down while I was raped by my stepfather. I know you wanted that pristine reputation that so many abusive mothers want. You know the one: that you had no idea what was happening behind those closed doors? You blew your cover that day because I fought back and you had to get involved. You were pissed too. I could tell. But there’s always a way to justify it. You could just let people know you were forced. You could just let them know you had to do it or your husband would have raped or beat you. It was a sacrifice you had to make to keep yourself safe. You were the victim. It doesn’t matter if it’s the truth right? What matters is your story. You really need that story to be believable, right?
It must be so difficult for you to deal with the sexual abuse. I mean really. That’s supposed to be what men do to little girls. Women are innocent. Women never hurt children. Women would never sexually abuse their children. But you can just tell people you were trying to teach me. You were just a woman teaching her daughter how the female body works. Isn’t that what you told me? That should work for everyone else, right?
I know it is complicated to explain why you stayed married to a violent pedophile for all those years. He beat us. He raped us. But you stayed. You kept us in the direct line of fire while encouraging and enabling his behavior. But you could say society gave you no choice. You could tell people you could not have financially survived on your own. You could just say that this is what women and children have to put up with from men. It is just how life works. That is what you told me, so that should work, right? Just blame it on society. That way, you don’t have to make any difficult choices. You don’t have to be responsible for your actions.
I am sure it is so challenging to face your physical and emotional abuse of your own daughter. Coming to terms with how you manipulated and neglected me must be so difficult for you. When you used to hit me so hard with the hairbrush that it left marks, it was just spanking, right? When you destroyed and threw away my most beloved toy, that was just a normal punishment for a young child. I am sure it was. When you left me for the entire day with no food so you could go to the mall, it was something all mothers do when they need a break. Right? How could these things really be that bad? I was just a rotten kid. Maybe you can just tell them I was a rotten kid. Who am I kidding? You already have.
I know these things are tough to explain away. It is hard to keep up the lies in your own head, let alone with others. And I know it is so hard to keep track of what you tell each person. It must be so confusing. So I hope these suggestions will help you get back on track with your narrative. I am sure you will continue to perfect it. I know your stories about the horrible child I was will get better and more elaborate. And the more your grandchildren thrive without you, the more your story of victimization will grow amongst all your acquaintances. Who am I kidding? You will be just fine.
Oh, Elisabeth! None of that is ok. I am sending you so much love right now ❤
Thank you Victoria!!
God Bless you and heal your mind, thanks for speaking out and helping others to heal.
Thank you Lesley!
Thank you for being so brave to share this with the rest of us. I can relate to some of it. My mother is now in a nursing home and has dementia. She is very pleasant and not at all demanding anymore.
I am glad she has become pleasant. With dementia, it can go either way.
Yep. That’s how it’s gone for my maternal grandmother. But I have no idea how it will be for her daughter, my mother. Mom has Parkinson’s right now. Lots of intergenerational abuse in my family, not just through them, but quite a bit there.
Wow!! How do you get over that, deal with that, live with that???Sending love your way!!
Thank you Lin. I have worked at my recovery for many years. Developing self-compassion and allowing my emotions to express has been key to my healing.
You are an outstanding and amazing person to have been able to reach deep inside yourself and find your own internal mother to connect with and act from despite never having any of that role modelled to you and to be able to pass this on to your thriving kids is a miracle and a truely beautiful thing in life. Your mother is a sick, dissociated and robotic women who has lost her soul. Thankfully we have access to an education and social media so we don’t need to take any of this abuse. We are free.
Thank you Kate! I love that we have social media to help us connect today. It has been such an important part of my healing to see that I am not alone.
The Swiss cheese has totally curdled and stinks! There is no place ‘they’ ‘she’ can hide with your succinct and astute understanding of what programmes run…Boom! there it is outed! There you are despite the henious abuse, ‘becoming,’ and being the best version of you for You and as Mum to your own kids in the face of it all, fighting and winning!. All the while paving the road for others to help themselves be free <3 So much thanks and love <3
Thank you so much for you kind words Anita! Sending my love to you!
I am sorry that this happened to you!
I know that my narcissist mother was more interested in what society thought of her, than what I thought of her. She was a confused mess who destroyed both of her kids. And, I know that she was truly horrified by the children she raised, because we have had such dysfunctional lives, and she could not hold us up for public viewing to be proud of us. We were just messed up kids and adults, that she was ashamed of. That was really hard for her! And, I know that she knew that it was her fault.
I was caught up in the grip of trauma bonding and was not able to escape her until she died. I am so happy for you that you are able to be out of the loop and are not exposing your children to this vile creature.
Thank you Beth! I am so sorry for the abuse you went through at your own mother’s hands.
Wow! The MOTHERLOAD! No pun intended 🙂 How open, how raw, how bold and brave! You pave a path so others can step into that courage, than tenacity, that strength!
I think my mother and yours are related 🙂 When I resolved to speak the truth with my mother all she could say was….”I’m blocked…I’m blocked…I’m blocked”. (Definitely disassociated)
I bet your @#@ you are blocked because taking ownership of that s@#t must be difficult!! Taking responsibility for YOUR choices must be challenging to say the least (as I say this to my mother).
Horrah for all the brave souls who walked through the darkness! My tiger is roaring!
This mother’s day I intend (yes, I didn’t capitalize that for a reason 😉 ) to honour the divine mother and mother in me. I am taking time to be mother to all my parts, give them the hugs and kisses they sooo deserve and treat my inner mother to sanctuary, peace, love and whatever her heart desires.
Thank you to the beautiful mother in me and in you! Love and hugs for doing the hard work. This mother’s day I encourage everyone to honour the mother WITHIN.
That is such an important message Wendy. Thank you! The most important thing we can do is mother our own parts.
So inspired and impressed with the amount of work you have done to heal from your abusive childhood. It brings to mind traveling the high road or a golden path.
Thank you so much Jeff!
My mother gave me alcoholic shooters with candy in them to make me more pliable to the men she ‘loaned’ me to. Of course….she is “blocked” and her memory fails her. My mother also watched a man choke me unconscious before panicking when she realized she would have to explain how her child died and they worked on resuscitating me back to consciousness.
Not all mothers are the glorious pictures we envision in our heads. Nor deserving of the pedestals we put them on.
I will no longer remain silent or pretend for society’s sake that nothing happened. That is also honouring the mother within me – my rightful mother.
Our mothers do sound related. I have been fed alcohol in similar situations too and I know my mother was involved. But my father gets the credit for the strangulation (he hired someone to do it to scare me). We certainly have been surrounded by winners. Now we can take our lives (and stories) back and really win.
Dearest Elizabeth,
Once again your words like a golden arrow dipped in honey finds its way to my heart. The words are painful and beautiful!! I commend you for your bravery and fighting for your truth. This inspired me to write a mother day letter to my mom!! Mothers day is always painful and no one seems to remember the unmothered daughters and the demented mothers but when mothers day rolls around, so much more. Would live if there was a support group for Unmothered Daughters. The amount of work it takes to raise oneself (from the dead) when our basic human right (A happy and healthy childhood) robs us of the very foundation we need for life. People simply do not understand the time, tears and tenacity it takes to build our very own inner castle, when we constantly have to build and fortify the very foundations to our existence!!
Thank you for giving yourself a voice and for liberating our own selves by knowing we are not alone!!
Xoxo
Thank you LFlower. It is an incredible amount of healing work to unravel the web of dysfunction that comes from a lack of a mother. I do have a One Voice support group available to anyone who purchases my book. It is not specific to unmothered daughters, but there are many of us in there.
Wow You are amazing. Your clarity and honesty is completely mind-blowing. I bow to you…. I’m so sorry you went through that shit . . . . . . but what an incredible path you tread upon now ….and with a bravery and honesty and rawness that speaks to the very core of me …. I can only sit here in complete awe…. Elisabeth… wow… what a human you are… thankyou for the inspiration you give me….words cannot describe. Your heart is healing me.
Thank you for these beautiful words Ninja! I draw strength from everything you say here.
Elisabeth, I had to read this twice and I’ll probably read it again. I thought I was in awe of your openness and honesty… but, after reading this, I have even more respect and admiration for how you share so authentically with us. Thank you so much. The difference between you and that woman are lightyears apart. Thank you for all the hard work that brought you to this place today.
Thank you so much Zeinab!
No words
But I must comment and echo what others have so eloquently expressed-
You are a hero. A ray of light, of strength, of beauty, goodness, nurturing.. for us And as you give us this healing , May this continue to reflect back at you and bring ever deeper healing.
No words..
you’ve touched me to find a strength I didn’t know possible within my human spirit… rather than allow myself to continue to buckle under my load..
Thank you so much Pearl! You are so kind! It sounds like you have found strength in your own journey. I am glad we are traveling together.
*Hugs to you* Reading this broke my heart because though I don’t have all my memories, my mother and father trafficked me out as a child for their vacations. There is no deeper pain in my life than be sold and deemed “worthless” only for sex. Your sarcasm toward your mother made me grin, perhaps another part telling me something? Ha! Thank you for your vulnerability and rawness to bare your soul,it helps open the windows of truth and allowing healing and wholeness.
So many parts of this narrative resonate with us, in fact I attempted to write my mother a letter only it’s a resume of her accomplishments in the destruction of me. I hope you mail this to your mother! Where do they get off writing us off after using us like trash and we are the stinking mess? We’re the failed daughters? You’ve given us strength to continue the resume for my mother who has done all of these things to us and hidden behind a church as an elder with her evil child raping husband. I guess it’s easy for them to turn a blind eye and live in their own little world. As for my mom, she lives near the golden child sis, never abused who was able to have a life and kids for them and perpetuate “normal.” Lots of love to you and you are light years ahead of what your mother will ever be and an example of fortitude and strength to others and you kids.
I am so sorry for your horribly abusive experiences Kris. I will say that my freedom fighters and mean kid wrote this piece, so I am sure C and Karma could relate. I won’t send this to my mother. She would not be able to take this in. She would just dissociate every time she tried to read it. That’s why my family don’t read my blog. I wrote this for me. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for a generation of survivors who are waking up and looking for permission to express emotions and stand up to their abusers. Love to you!
Thankyou Elisabeth for sharing this. Our children are such triggers to our own buried abuse. Abusers are victims carrying out their own abused childhood and the cycle of victim and abuser continues until an “”awakening”. The denial of an abuser can frustrate to no end. After reading the mind set of a Narcissistic Abuser I came to realize they themselves cannot bare the monster inside, they dislike themselves and they live a life seperated and masked off to the world, so they cant admit it for they will annihilate inside. They themselves are still traumitized and unrecovered. Now…. for the big ask…we must rise above all the pain and anguish…. let go of our feelings of vengence and…. forgive them. As Jesus said…..””forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing””. These words are to be taken seriously and are no easy feat, but until we do, our hearts will never be free and truely loving. We must let it go…free ourselves….truely forgive them…. and start a brand new day…..
I am aware of how generational trauma manifests within an abuser. I have done years of excavation through emotional expression and trauma research. I was also abused by some of the same people who abused my parents. I do get how it all works.
But please, please, please don’t lecture complex trauma survivors about forgiveness. This word is often used by abusers and people who are uncomfortable with emotional expression (controller-enmeshed as I call them) to shut down the valid and justified emotions of survivors. Forgiveness is not a decision we make in the head. Ironically, it is the emotional expression we shut down with discussions of forgiveness that actually leads to the real organic letting go of our past (which is what forgiveness really is).
And don’t use Jesus to shut down emotional expression. He was well known for his ability to express his anger. He flipped the tables. He never put his Earthly parents above his purpose. He was no doormat.
You rock Elisabeth. Thank you.
Thank you Elaina!
I too, can attest to the fact that forgiveness is not a decision that can be made in the head and anyone telling us to do so is actually creating more damage than good – even if that is not the intention. Many spiritual based groups will try to tell you that you MUST forgive. NOTICE the word “must” and that will tell you something. There is NO ‘must’, ‘should’, ‘expectation’.
FORGIVENESS is a process!!!! It will evolve on its own as we come home to ourselves – only then. It is NOT to be rushed, it is NOT to be forced. There can be no agenda. It will come naturally as we let go, step into our empowerment, into the TRUTH of who we should be. Only then will forgiveness present itself like an unfolding leaf opening to the sun.
Oops, correct – I meant to say – into the TRUTH of who we are (not should be).
And in addition, I think it is important to add, and I think I speak for many others – it is not about vengeance. It never was. It is about coming home to self. The self we lost along the way. I don’t give rats ass about my parents and what they are choosing to do or not do. My intent is to come home to myself and my fullest expression. What they choose to do is their journey and choice, however, I CHOSE for it to NO LONGER AFFECT ME and that is MY choice. Yeah me!!!
Thank you, Wendy.. You’ve summed it up so well for me. It IS a struggle with so many other survivors I’ve spoken to, sometimes for the EXACT reasons Elisabeth speaks of. I remember one said he prayed just to be able to forgive, because he didn’t feel he had any ability to.
Thank you for this, it has helped so much. My children never celebrate Mothers day for me, not even when they were little.I hate all these made up commercially driven “Holidays” They know I prefer them to show me they love me all year round and they do in lots of little ways that mean so much to me.
Your children will love you for who you are and they will show it even when they are grown and move away.
My children and I were just talking about that yesterday. As a single mother, it isn’t logistically possible to do anything significant. But I told them I just want their love everyday. I know they will make me cards and I will love them. But we do our own thing.
My heart cries for all the hurt and violence your dear, sweet, innocent child went through. That should have never happened. You have emerged an amazing, strong woman and a mentor to so many. Blessings.
Thank you Joan!!
Dear Elisabeth
I could barely breathe reading your truth…the courage you
have to free yourself and your inner child shows the great
strength and love you now have for yourself. Thank you
for coming into my life and to all those who trust you also.
Thank you so much Carole!!
I am not sure what to say, except you, Elizabeth, are my hero. Happy Mothers Day!
Thank you Jodee!!
I found out early that my Mother had no more status in our family than any of us children, she couldn’t help us. I was the eldest, I was the rebel, I wanted to free her. My scariest moment as a child was when my Mom stopped me from leaving the bedroom saying I would have to kiss her first! (she had read somewhere that mothers who kiss their children live longer) I was terrified that she was going to abuse me. My father had been abusing me since I was 4 and now at 12, I thought she was going to begin too. I told her when I was grown up how much that scared me. I can’t imagine my Mom as an abuser, she was always going along to get along because my father would threaten to hurt one of us. Now I really can’t stand going along to get along. It hurts my soul to read all your stories about your terrible mothers. It must hurt you so much, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine a worse betrayal than your Mother being in on the abuse. I’m pretty sure my Mother had an inkling to what was happening even though she says she doesn’t, but I also know she had no power. The saddest part is that my own daughters were abused by their father and he was the one who basically rescued me. I don’t trust any men, they are all pigs. I know that’s not totally true as I have a wonderful son but I think if you start with that premise, you are more likely not to go wrong.
I am so sorry for all of your experiences Louise. This is all so difficult to navigate when we are supposed to be able to trust those that we love.
How remarkably brave to tell your story. I am so sorry for what you have endured as an innocent child. My mother abused me in cunning ways. She would send me to our pedophile neighbour’s home to make his work lunch. Only for him to try molesting me. Luckily I got away. She had an affair with this man in secret. Only one of many of her sick mind games. My gentle father endured so much abuse at her hands. I gave her so many chances, but have finally realised that to cut her off(although not easy)is the only way. Thanks to her I have BPD. Thank you for showing me that I have done this for me. She will keep playing the victim.
I am so sorry you had a mother like that. You are so right about her continuing to play the victim. It is best that you allow yourself that space away from her so you can heal.
I am so sorry to hear what you had to experience as a child growing up..Helping others helps you heal in the process..I hope that eventually you’ll be able to forgive yourself for what happened not just for your sake but for your generation sake. Forgive yourself & love yourself because you weren’t meant to carry your mother’s burdens. You’ve proved to yourself that you’re not your mother by making a difference and helping others. Thank you for your bravery and thank you for sharing. (Big hug)
Thank you Leonie!
it took me a long time to understand why my mother never stopped my father or why she stayed with him i used to think it cuz she was afraid of him but now many years later i feel she just didnt want to believe he could be the way he was i was the sacrificial goat athough she never believed he would do anything to the rest of my siblings .so they pretend it was a normal natural childhood ok then i didnt see most of this while she was alive even if i didnt understand why she always made believe she thought i was truthful it took me sitting down to analyze some of the stuff that happened and i broke contact with him shortly after i had sibling doing hes your father crap when i did break the connection. its been a frustrating life coming forward with the abuse when shed look at me and agree but the proof is in the pudding as they say and hersticking by himfor 50+ years was hard to understand i feel more anger at my mother than my abuser
While some of your stories resonate, some of it doesn’t, but what really does, is how hard it was to disengage and stop the relationship with my mother for my own sake. It has been several years since we have spoken. I have a difficult time with Mother’s Day, as so many of us do because it just reminds me of how broken my family is, and how it won’t ever truly heal. But, I am doing the best I can to recover from the abuses by my mother and by others and make some difference in the world. Thank you for speaking your truth and being brave.